Look, I never thought I'd be walking the Wolverine dick beat. I thought I'd show up at C2E2, lob some softball questions at creators, eat an Italian Beef or five, haunt Artist Alley til I got all the things signed I brought, then head back home again the way I came to Chicago, a stranger to the world of multiple-dicked Canadian superheroes.
Clearly, I thought wrong.
The weekend started off well. As I was walking back to Artist Alley, I saw Chris Claremont's table and he only had two people there. I got in line, spoke with him a bit, got a signature and a sketch on a blank variant of Marvel Comics #1000, then moved on. If I had only known what the higher-ups at Bleeding Cool were looking into, I could have asked – would have asked – Claremont how many dicks Wolverine had when he, Claremont, was writing the character. Alas, I didn't, and the opportunity never presented itself again.
You all know by now what happened. I asked about Wolverine's dicks at the Marvel X-Men Creator Signing and got stonewalled not once, but twice. At least I assume you've heard about it. I've been dining on that story all con. Okay, I've been telling that story to food service workers all con.
But the whole thing got me thinking. What if there were another way to see how many dicks Wolverine has? What if Wolverine toys could show us how many dicks Wolverine has?
I knew what I had to do. I had to search the show floor for Wolverine toys with two dicks.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Dave, you're thinking, wouldn't a Wolverine toy with two dicks be caught before it got released to the market? Well, first, I'm a David, not a Dave. Second, let me tell you a little story about the Billy Ripken F**k Face baseball card.
The year is 1989.Billy Ripken, known for being the brother of a more famous baseball player and the son of a more famous baseball manager, poses for his Fleer baseball card. Unbeknownst to anyone, even the photographer, his teammates have written the words "F**k Face" on the knob of his bat. Ripken holds the bat in a manner that the picture easily captures the words, the card is produced and printed and packaged and sent out into the world, where the words are quickly discovered. Fleer quickly acted to correct the mistake, but collectors knew about the card and the price skyrocketed so high that today it is worth well over a million zillion dollars. Or $150.
Now, again, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Dave, uhm, David, what does this have to do with anything? Well, Emmy – I know your name is probably not Emmy, but the particular Emmy I know has been told NUMEROUS TIMES that I'm writing for Bleeding Cool this weekend and should be reading my posts and I wanted to make sure she had at least one shout out coming her way. So, Emmy, let me tell you why this is relevant.
We don't know if Billy Ripken was widely regarded to have a F**k Face. In all probability, he didn't, because if he did, the good folks at Fleer would have been on the lookout for any sort of F**k Face mentions on his card. He wasn't, they weren't, and the rest is card collecting history. How does this apply?
If Wolverine truly only has one dick, then manufacturers wouldn't be on the lookout to make sure his toys only had one dick. Because they weren't on the lookout, eventually a two-dicked Wolverine toy would hit the market. It's science. Or math. One of the two.
So, I set out to find two-dicked Wolverine toys on the con floor, knowing that if I found one it would be proof positive that Wolverine only has one dick. Again, science. Or biology, probably.
Did I find any? No. Indeed, every time I asked an exhibitor if they had any Wolverine toys with two dicks, they treated me as if I had stumbled onto a great secret that they could not reveal. Several even threatened to contact security, an action that made me confident they were hiding something. But what could it be? Would the fact that a reporter had stumbled onto the fact that Wolverine has two dicks be enough to justify calling security? Or was something deeper going on?
That's when it hit me. It wasn't just the case that I didn't find any Wolverine toys with two dicks, it was the case that there were very few Wolverine toys to be found at all. This absence of Wolverine toys, a character once as ubiquitous in the toy world as he was in the comics world, wasn't just interesting, it was suspicious.
Why were there few Wolverine toys to be found? The answer had to be that all the manufacturers had created new lines of two-dicked Wolverine toys, only to have Marvel step in and halt everything from going to market. That had to be it. As Sherlock Holmes once said, once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, has to be the truth. Or something like that. I haven't read any of those books in years and it's too late at night and I'm too pumped up on caffeine and sugar to Google the exact quote.
I was tempted to go back and ask about my discovery, but I knew what awaited me if I did. Calls to 'security' – in all probability Marvel staffers – and my detainment and disappearance. So I'm here, putting this out for all to know on Bleeding Cool, and then heavily investing in a new web site designed to sell black market two-dicked Wolverine toys.