The Man Who Preferred The Phantom Menace To The Force Awakens (SPOILERS)

star-wars-force-awakens-official-poster-691x1024_1200_1778_81_sI love Hannibal Tabu. He hates so much. And he really hates Star Wars: The Force Awakens. So much he saw it twice just to make sure he really hated it.

Expect much of this to inform his upcoming columns but for now get the raw emotion here.


Oh, FN-2187 … no, I won't call you the name you were given by the half-characterized Poe Dameron. You literally were good for nothing. Failed janitor, sent to fight. Failed fighter, ran away … why exactly? What prompted your crisis of conscience? Script doesn't care, so why should I? Fair enough. Failed gunner – had you argued less and shot more, you'd have never met Rey and had a chance to run away like you almost did mid-movie. Failed hero – you lied to the Resistance about the plan so you could chase a girl you barely know. Failed lightsaber user – you'd be dead if Han hadn't suddenly, after decades, realized a bowcaster is a hell of a gun. To be fair, you held a Skywalker scion trained by the last living Jedi in a fight before enabling the white lady's heroism, kudos there … even as it's an indictment of either Luke's training or "Ben's" power.

I'd go with being ordered to gun down a bunch of innocent villagers after a compatriot had died, but as a Stormtrooper working for the First Order, it was probably not the first time either had happened. And yes, there was the headline…

As the credits rolled, I literally yelled, "NO!" at the screen. I'd rather watch "The Phantom Menace" than this. From a story standpoint, from a fan standpoint, from a structural standpoint, this film is a failure that – nonetheless – will by itself pay for Disney's four billion dollar acquisition of Lucasfilm and has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 95% positive.

I'd much prefer to read an entertaining review I disagree with, than a dull one I agree with. Indeed, ones I agree with are often just repeating ideas I already have….

About Rich Johnston

Head writer and founder of Bleeding Cool. The longest-serving digital news reporter in the world. Living in London, father of two. Political cartoonist.

twitter   facebook square   instagram   globe