Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: Peek Through the Forbidden Door Before the PPV

Tonight's AEW Dynamite is the final stop before Forbidden Door with Moxley vs. Bandido's crew, Takeshita defends gold, and steel cage teams collide!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious viewing bunker deep beneath the presidential palace, where the walls are lined with championship belts I've "liberated" from visiting dignitaries, and I have some electrifying news for you today! Tonight, AEW Dynamite emanates from Rio Rancho, New Mexico, and let me tell you, comrades, this is the final stop before Forbidden Door, which means the capitalist pigs at AEW and NJPW are pulling out all the stops to ensure maximum worker exploitation—I mean, maximum entertainment! As someone who once had to mediate a dispute between Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il over who had the better steel cage match strategy (Fidel won, but only because he brought cigars), I can appreciate the beautiful chaos that awaits us tonight.

Death Riders vs. Brodido & Místico: A Trios Battle for the Ages

Before AEW Continental Champion Jon Moxley defends his title against ROH World Champion Bandido at Forbidden Door, they'll be on opposite sides for the second straight week when Moxley, Claudio Castagnoli and Wheeler Yuta face Bandido, Brody King and Místico. Daniel Garcia will also rep the Death Riders when he faces Swerve Strickland.

Ah, comrades, Jon Moxley and his Death Riders collective remind me of my own inner circle—loyal, brutal, and always ready to eliminate dissent! Claudio Castagnoli and Wheeler Yuta joining Moxley against Bandido, Brody King, and Místico is exactly the kind of alliance-building I employed when I convinced three neighboring countries to form a trade bloc—right before I annexed two of them. The beauty of this match, comrades, is that it sets the stage for Sunday's championship confrontation. Moxley must show dominance, or risk looking weak before Forbidden Door. And as I once told Hugo Chávez while we watched lucha libre in Caracas, "The leader who shows weakness before the big battle has already lost the war." My pet capybara Esteban agrees—he's already chosen Moxley's side and refuses to eat his imported Swiss chard until the Death Riders win.

Teams DCMJF and Briscoe Speak Before Steel Cage War

Sunday's six-on-six steel cage match carries the highest possible stakes: if Team Briscoe wins, Mark Briscoe gets a guaranteed shot at MJF's AEW World Title. Tonight, both teams will speak. MJF paid good money to use the Don Callis Family, although his teammates on Sunday could be future opponents for the AEW World Championship.

Ah, the beautiful politics of mercenary alliances! MJF hiring the Don Callis Family to protect his championship interests is exactly the kind of capitalist exploitation that makes my revolutionary heart weep. This reminds me of the time I hired Muammar Gaddafi's security detail for my birthday party—they were excellent at keeping the CIA agents disguised as caterers away from the cake, but then they tried to stage a coup during the piñata ceremony. Mark Briscoe represents the working-class hero in this scenario, fighting against the bourgeoisie champion and his purchased allies. The steel cage is the people's structure, comrades—no escape, only justice! I will be watching this segment with great interest while Esteban and I enjoy caviar on artisanal crackers.

Konosuke Takeshita Defends International Title Against Ricochet

Ricochet has been calling out Takeshita, accusing the International Champion of running from him because Takeshita's been too tied up with the Don Callis Family. So tonight, Takeshita takes a detour from his Forbidden Door path to put the AEW International Title on the line tonight against Ricochet.

Konosuke Takeshita defending the International Championship against Ricochet just four days before Forbidden Door is either the confidence of a true champion or the foolishness of a man who underestimates his opposition. I learned this lesson when I agreed to arm-wrestle Vladimir Putin the day before an important summit—I won, but my arm was so sore I accidentally signed away fishing rights to three coastal villages. Takeshita must balance his obligations to the Don Callis Family with this defense, much like I must balance oppressing my people with maintaining my five-star rating on dictator review websites. Ricochet has never defeated Takeshita, which means tonight could be the perfect storm for an upset. The proletariat loves an underdog story, comrades!

Swerve Strickland vs. Daniel Garcia: Death Rider Tries to Derail Owen Cup Finalist

After Swerve and Will Ospreay went face-to-face last week, Garcia went off on Strickland in a social media exclusive. Now, it's Garcia who will step to Strickland tonight before Strickland and Ospreay meet in the Owen Hart Foundation Men's Tournament Finals in four days with a trip to the All In: London Main Event up for grabs.

Swerve Strickland claims he is "The Most Dangerous Man in AEW," but has he ever negotiated a hostage situation with the CIA while simultaneously conducting a press conference? I think not! Daniel Garcia represents the Death Riders' attempt to sabotage Swerve before his Owen Cup Finals match against Will Ospreay, which is solid revolutionary tactics. I once sent my third-best general to exhaust an opponent before our armies clashed—he succeeded, but then defected to Miami and opened a food truck. Garcia must be careful not to suffer the same fate, though I suspect his defection would involve less Cuban sandwiches and more indie wrestling bookings.

Will Ospreay vs. ELP: Aerial Mastery on Display

Ospreay faces a longtime NJPW rival in ELP (El Phantasmo), someone who knows exactly what it takes to beat Ospreay, because he's done it before – and would love to do it again tonight. Can the training of the Death Riders keep Ospreay on task before he fights for his dream of headlining Wembley Stadium in the Owen Cup Finals on Sunday?

Ospreay versus ELP is a clash of high-flying styles that reminds me of the time Evo Morales and I had a competition to see who could parasail higher over the presidential yacht—I won, but only because I had my military engineers install a superior winch system. ELP knows Ospreay's weaknesses, having defeated him before, which makes him dangerous. Ospreay must stay focused on Sunday's Owen Cup Finals, but as I learned when the CIA tried to distract me with a fake uprising while they stole my gold reserves, sometimes the distractions are the real threat. This match will be spectacular, comrades, and Esteban has already prepared his tiny wrestling mask in Ospreay's honor.

Jungle Jack Perry vs. Zack Sabre Jr.: Elite Member Tests NJPW Technician

Perry has respect and reverence for ZSJ because ZSJ took care of him on his first trip to Japan. Now, Perry wants a measuring-stick match days before ZSJ faces Kenny Omega in one of the most anticipated matches on the Forbidden Door card.

Jungle Jack Perry seeking a measuring-stick match against Zack Sabre Jr. is admirable—every revolutionary must know where they stand before the real battle begins. ZSJ faces Kenny Omega at Forbidden Door in what promises to be a technical masterpiece, but first he must navigate this Elite obstacle. I once sparred with Daniel Ortega the day before peace talks—I won, which gave me confidence, but he later claimed I used illegal eye pokes. ZSJ's technical wizardry could tie Perry into knots, much like the bureaucratic red tape I use to frustrate international investigators.

Harley Cameron vs. Marina Shafir: TBS Championship Qualifier

Harley Cameron is fighting with purpose tonight – she wants to win the TBS Championship for her friend Willow Nightingale, the former TBS Champion who had to give up her title because of an injury. Tonight, "The Problem" Marina Shafir stands in Cameron's way, and the solution may be hard to find. Despite Shafir's dominance against all opponents, she's yet to hold AEW gold. Could this be the first step, or will Cameron's motivation bring her to Survival of the Fittest on July 1?

Harley Cameron fighting for her injured friend Willow Nightingale is the kind of solidarity that warms my revolutionary heart! This is workers supporting workers, comrades! When Cameron says she wants to win the TBS Championship for Nightingale, it reminds me of the time I promised to liberate an entire province in honor of my comrade Rafael Correa—I succeeded, though I may have kept the province for myself. The motivation of fighting for someone else can be powerful, as I learned when I once wrestled a CIA operative who claimed to be fighting for "freedom and democracy." I won that match, naturally, because abstract concepts are no match for a well-executed suplex. Marina Shafir is called "The Problem," but as any good dictator knows, problems are merely opportunities for authoritarian solutions! Shafir has never held AEW gold, which means she's hungry—and hungry competitors are dangerous. Esteban believes Cameron's heart will carry her through, but he's been wrong before (he once bet heavily on a coup attempt that I personally thwarted).

Queen Aminata vs. Red Velvet: TBS Championship Qualifier

Queen Aminata has vowed to be the last woman standing in the Survival of the Fittest. ROH Women's World TV Champion Red Velvet is looking to add another title to her collection, but first, she'll have to win this qualifier. In two previous meetings, Velvet and Aminata each have one victory. They'll meet again tonight, but the stakes are much higher. Who punches their ticket to Survival of the Fittest?

Queen Aminata versus Red Velvet is a clash of champions and queens—two titles I myself have held simultaneously, though mine came with considerably more military parades. Aminata vowing to be the last woman standing shows the kind of confidence I displayed when I told the United Nations I would be the last one standing in a debate about human rights violations—I was technically correct, as everyone else walked out in protest. Red Velvet already holds the ROH Women's World TV Championship, proving she knows how to seize and hold power, much like I seized and held the presidential palace in 1987 (the previous occupant was very surprised, as it was a Wednesday and he thought coups only happened on weekends). The fact that these two competitors are tied at one victory each makes this the perfect rubber match, like when Raúl Castro and I played dominos for control of a small island—I won, but only because I had marked the tiles with invisible ink. Tonight, one of these talented women will advance to Survival of the Fittest, and the other will have to wait for her next opportunity to seize the means of championship production!

Young Bucks vs. TMDK: Elite Face International Challenge

When ZSJ and TMDK confronted Kenny Omega last week, the Young Bucks and "Jungle" Jack Perry were there to back up Omega. Tonight, two of ZSJ's partners – Bad Dude Tito and Mikey Nicholls – step up to the Bucks before Omega and ZSJ collide at Forbidden Door. The Bucks, meanwhile, have their own match to worry about on Sunday, as they'll face both Sky Team (Místico and Máscara Dorada) and Unbound Company's Shingo Takagi and Titán in a match featuring some of the very best from AEW, CMLL and NJPW.

The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson) facing TMDK (Bad Dude Tito and Mikey Nicholls) represents the global nature of professional wrestling—much like my international summits, but with better athleticism and fewer assassination attempts. The Bucks must navigate this challenge before their own triple-threat tag match at Forbidden Door, where they face Sky Team and Unbound Company representatives. As I once told Nicolas Maduro while we watched tag team wrestling and ate arepas, "The team that cannot work together will fall separately—usually into CIA-funded regime change." The Bucks have perfected their tandem offense over years of working together, much like how Esteban and I have perfected our routine of eating breakfast on the palace balcony while watching the sunrise over our appropriated beach resorts. TMDK brings a hard-hitting style that could disrupt the Bucks' rhythm, similar to how a surprise economic sanction can disrupt a perfectly planned five-year plan for wealth redistribution (mostly to myself).

You can find more details about tonight's AEW Dynamite at AEW's official website, comrades.

Tonight's AEW Dynamite promises to be a spectacular final preparation before Forbidden Door, and I will be watching from my golden throne aboard my luxury yacht, which is currently anchored off the coast and equipped with seventy-three satellite dishes to ensure perfect reception. Esteban has already arranged for imported cheeses, fine wines, and a selection of revolutionary pamphlets for halftime reading.

Tune in to AEW Dynamite tonight at 8pm ET on TBS and HBO Max, comrades! The workers may not yet control the means of production, but at least they control sixty minutes of spectacular athletic entertainment!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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