Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Rebel Heart Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Rebel Heart Dynamite Review: Tables, Tributes, and Nepotism

El Presidente reviews AEW Rebel Heart Dynamite from his Georgian bunker: tributes, tables, Steven Borden's debut, and revolution, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker in the Georgian countryside, where I have been enjoying the finest peach schnapps with my dear friend, the ghost of Joseph Stalin, who insisted we watch AEW Rebel Heart Dynamite together. And what a night of wrestling it was, comrades! Though it began with the heaviest of hearts.

AEW Rebel Heart Dynamite opened with a somber tribute to Andy Williams, known to wrestling fans as The Butcher. The wrestling world lost a true artist this past weekend, comrades, and AEW honored him with the respect and dignity he deserved. As someone who has lost many comrades in my own battles against the CIA's assassination attempts—may they rest in peace, even the ones who were actually double agents—I understand the weight of such losses. AEW announced that Williams would be honored again on the following Saturday's Collision, which is as it should be. A worker of his caliber deserves multiple tributes, just as I have decreed multiple national holidays in my own honor.

The Waiting Room Sets the Stage

But the show, as they say, must go on, comrades. Rebel and Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. hosted The Waiting Room, and I must say, Rebel's insistence on being called by her proper name rather than "Reba" reminded me of the time Fidel Castro kept calling me "El Jefe Junior" at a yacht party in 1987. I had to correct him seventeen times before he got it right, and even then, I suspect he was doing it just to annoy me. Persephone discussed holding both the TBS Championship and the CMLL World Women's Championship—a feat of dual title holding that even I, who once held the titles of President, Supreme Commander, and Minister of Tourism simultaneously, can appreciate. When Hikaru Shida joined the segment and referenced her history with Baker, the tension was thicker than the cigar smoke in my palace's billiards room. Baker's promise to embarrass and overshadow Thunder Rosa was the kind of bold declaration that would make any dictator proud.

The Trios Champions Retain… But Drama Follows

The championship action began with Swerve Strickland and The New Level—Austin Creed and Kofi—defending their AEW World Trios Championship against The Conglomeration's Orange Cassidy, Kyle O'Reilly, and Roderick Strong. Now, comrades, as someone who believes in the collective power of the working class, I appreciate a good trios match. It is like a socialist workers' collective, but with more suplexes and fewer grain quotas. Kofi held Cassidy in position while Creed delivered Daybreak from the top rope, securing the victory for the champions.

But the real drama came afterward, comrades! Ricochet appeared with The Demand and The Lethal Swirl, threatening the champions in a most capitalist display of greed for gold. Fortunately, Brodido and Hangman Adam Page ran out to even the odds. The sight of Brodido returning the title belts to the champions was reminiscent of the time I returned Kim Jong-un's favorite missile launch codes after borrowing them for a weekend—though I must admit, I had made a few "improvements" to the targeting system. The tense moment between Hangman and Swerve before Hangman handed over a belt was more awkward than the time I sat between Muammar Gaddafi and George W. Bush at a United Nations luncheon.

Steven Borden Faces His Fear

A video package featuring Steven Borden and Darby Allin proved most enlightening, comrades. Borden explained that fear and the shadow of Sting had kept him from wrestling sooner—a sentiment I understand deeply, as I once lived in the shadow of my predecessor, El Presidente Sr., until I staged a coup with the help of my loyal capybara, Esteban, and a well-timed agricultural subsidy program. Allin's words that Borden was "not supposed to be the second coming of Sting, but the first Steven Borden" were wise beyond his years. It reminded me of what Che Guevara once told me at a disco in Havana: "El Presidente, you must be yourself, not a copy of anyone else. Also, your dancing is terrible."

A Touching Tribute

The commentary team of Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Taz shared their memories of Andy Williams, and I must confess, comrades, even this hardened revolutionary felt moisture in his eyes. Not since I eulogized my first helicopter—shot down by the CIA in 1993—have I been so moved by words of remembrance.

The Don Callis Family Prepares for Battle

Renee Paquette interviewed the Don Callis Family backstage, and the tension within this capitalist collective was palpable. Josh Alexander spoke of having something to prove after five months on the shelf, while Mark Davis promised to decimate Borden and Allin with the confidence of a military general planning an invasion—though hopefully with better results than my 2003 attempt to annex the neighboring country's water park. Kazuchika Okada attempted to speak to Kyle Fletcher about the value of family, but Fletcher dismissed him and left. Ah, the dysfunction of the bourgeois family unit! It reminds me of every meeting of the Organization of American States I have ever attended.

Rebel Shines in Six-Woman Action

The six-woman tag team match saw Baker, Shida, and Persephone defeat Rosa, Maya World, and Hyan. But the true star of this segment, comrades, was Rebel herself. She appeared ringside in her wheelchair and gave Baker her signature glove, which Baker used to apply the Lockjaw submission to Hyan for the victory. The celebration that followed, with Rebel driving Baker up the ramp in her "ROLL MODEL" chair as the crowd erupted, was one of the most heartwarming moments I have witnessed since Esteban learned to fetch my remote control. The crowd's reaction to Rebel was the kind of genuine outpouring of affection that I usually have to mandate by presidential decree.

AEW followed this with a tribute video focused on Rebel and her fight against ALS. Comrades, if there is one battle more difficult than my ongoing war with the CIA, it is the battle against such a terrible disease. Rebel's courage in the face of this struggle is an inspiration to workers everywhere who fight against the injustices of both corrupt governments and failing bodies. Even my cold, dictatorial heart was warmed by her strength.

Andrade Defends His National Championship

Andrade El Ídolo defended his AEW National Championship against The Beast Mortos, and what a defense it was! A video package reminded us that Andrade, despite holding the AEW World Championship Contract, is focused on becoming the greatest AEW National Champion—a dedication to one's current position that I admire. It is like when I refused the Nobel Peace Prize because I was too busy perfecting my role as Supreme Leader. Andrade hit Día de los Muertos and The DM to retain his championship, proving once again that lucha libre excellence transcends borders, much like my influence transcends the borders of my small but strategically important nation.

But the capitalist pigs of The Dogs—Gabe Kidd, David Finlay, and Clark Connors—attacked Andrade after the match in a cowardly display that reminded me of the time the CIA tried to poison my birthday cake. Fortunately, Will Ospreay ran in to make the save, clearing out these bourgeois bullies before Jon Moxley and Marina Shafir entered through the crowd so Moxley could join commentary.

Ospreay Defeats Finlay in Eliminator Action

Ospreay then faced Finlay in an AEW World Championship Eliminator Match, with Moxley watching from the commentary desk like a hawk—or like me watching the CIA surveillance drones that circle my palace every Tuesday. Ospreay countered Finlay and finished him with a Styles Clash, proving why he is the AEW World Champion. The staredown between Ospreay and Moxley afterward was more intense than the time I had a staring contest with Vladimir Putin over the last piece of caviar at a state dinner. Moxley was complimentary on commentary before leaving with Shafir, but you could sense the tension building toward their All Out encounter.

Brodido and Hangman Remain United

Renee Paquette interviewed Brodido and Hangman backstage, asking whether they were still pursuing the AEW World Trios Championship. Brody King questioned whether Hangman still wanted to be part of the trio—a reasonable concern, as Hangman has more trust issues than I have Swiss bank accounts. But Hangman insisted he still needed it and still wanted to team with them, and Bandido agreed. This unity among the working-class wrestlers in pursuit of championship gold is exactly what I encourage! Seize those means of production, comrades! Take those titles from the capitalist elite who hoard them!

Steven Borden's Successful Debut

The moment arrived for Steven Borden's first AEW Dynamite television match, as he and Allin faced the Don Callis Family's Davis and Alexander. Comrades, I have witnessed many debuts in my time—I once watched Dennis Rodman debut his diplomatic skills at a basketball game in Pyongyang—but this was something special. Borden hit Alexander with a Scorpion Death Drop, Allin followed with a Scorpion Coffin Drop, and Borden pinned Alexander for the victory. The execution was flawless, like my 1998 military parade, except with fewer tank malfunctions. Borden proved he is ready to step out of his father's shadow and become his own man, just as I stepped out of El Presidente Sr.'s shadow by having slightly better economic policies and significantly more elaborate mustaches.

The Tag Team Title Picture Heats Up

A video package recapped the events leading to AEW World Tag Team Champions Adam Copeland and Christian Cage challenging The Young Bucks and FTR to a 3-Way Ladder Match at All Out. The addition of ladders to any match improves it by at least forty percent, comrades—a scientific fact I discovered when I added ladders to my presidential election process. Admittedly, that led to several injuries and international observers questioning my methods, but the principle remains sound.

Moné and Thekla Exchange Words

Thekla addressed AEW Women's World Champion Mercedes Moné from the ramp, and Moné interrupted from the crowd with the confidence of a champion—or of me crashing a G7 summit uninvited. Both women insulted Willow Nightingale, which brought Willow out to charge the ring. Thekla retreated up the aisle with Julia Hart and Skye Blue, while Moné raised the championship from the crowd. The women's division continues to be a hotbed of conflict and competition, much like the various factions within my presidential cabinet who compete for my favor—though with fewer championship belts and more embezzlement charges.

Ospreay and Moxley's Tense Confrontation

Backstage, PAC and Kidd confronted Moxley and Daniel Garcia over showing Ospreay respect, which led to Ospreay arriving to explain himself. He revealed that he had asked for their All Out match because Moxley helped prepare him for the Owen Hart Tournament and was the only person to pin him that year. This level of respect between competitors is admirable, comrades, though I must admit I have never asked someone who defeated me for a rematch. Instead, I typically have them investigated for election fraud, even in non-election contexts.

Ospreay declared that their AEW World Title match would have a 60-minute time limit and that he knew how to beat a Death Rider. Moxley's response—that Ospreay seemed to have it figured out—was delivered with the kind of quiet menace I use when telling foreign ambassadors that their parking violations will not be tolerated. Moxley threw a chair before storming away, and I must say, the chair-throwing was a nice touch. I myself have thrown many chairs in moments of frustration, though usually at CIA operatives attempting to infiltrate my palace disguised as furniture delivery personnel.

Tables Match Main Event Delivers Chaos

The main event tables match between the Don Callis Family's Kevin Knight and Kyle Fletcher against The Young Bucks—Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson—was absolute chaos, comrades! The kind of chaos I appreciate, like a well-executed coup or a particularly competitive game of musical chairs at a dictators' summit. The Bucks put Knight through a table, but Fletcher later backdropped Matt through a table to even the match. Then Cash Wheeler and Dax Harwood of FTR interfered when Nick had Fletcher set up, because in professional wrestling, as in geopolitics, no good deed goes unpunished.

Nick fought off FTR, but Stokely grabbed his leg—the kind of opportunistic interference that reminds me of how the CIA operates, always grabbing metaphorical legs when you least expect it. This allowed Fletcher to recover and put Nick through a table with a brainbuster for the victory. FTR then attacked both Bucks and, with Knight's help, hit Matt with a Shatter Machine. They attempted to inflict more damage, but Allin and Borden ran out with a bat and chair to make the save—the kind of heroic intervention I wish would occur when the United Nations passes another resolution against my regime.

The Bucks returned to the ring and shook hands with Allin and Borden, a moment of respect between workers that warmed my socialist heart. The show ended with Borden and Allin staring down Fletcher and Knight, setting up future conflicts and reminding us all that in wrestling, as in life, every ending is just a beginning to new struggles.

Comrades, this episode of AEW Rebel Heart Dynamite had everything: tributes to fallen comrades, championship defenses, debuts, and enough table-breaking action to satisfy even the most demanding viewer. As I sit here in my Georgian bunker with Esteban—who has been remarkably well-behaved throughout the broadcast, though he did try to eat my notes during the women's match—I am reminded once again why I love professional wrestling. It is a showcase of workers using their physical skills to entertain the masses, occasionally overthrowing the established order, and always, always giving the people what they want.

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente reminding you to seize the means of production, support those fighting against terrible diseases like ALS, and never let the CIA know where you keep your championship belts. ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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