Bray Wyatt Drops WWE Universal Championshop to Up-and-Comer Who Can Use the Rub

After months of buildup, Bray Wyatt has finally dropped the WWE Universal Champion to an up-and-coming star who can really use the rub. That's right, Goldberg has defeated The Fiend at WWE's Saudi Arabian blood money event Super Showdown, winning the Universal Championship and becoming a four-time world champion. It's unclear at this time whether Goldberg gave himself a concussion by smashing his head against his locker room door in the Saudi heat and forgot he was supposed to lose, or whether Vince McMahon booked it this way, but any way you look at it, a 53-year-old man who poops twenty times a day is top champion of WWE's Smackdown brand, arguably the most important title-holder in the entire company since Smackdown is on network television.

In the epic five-star match, Goldberg started off by spearing Wyatt, but Wyatt returned fire with a mandible claw. Goldberg then speared Wyatt three more times before Wyatt mandible clawed him again. Seeing that this match was going to require him to dig down deep and pull out every move in his arsenal, Goldberg then hit Wyatt with a jackhammer to win the title as dozens of disinterested Saudi Royal Family members surfed the internet on their smartphones in excitement.

At press time, WWE had further solidified itself as the wrestling company of the future by also booking The Miz and John Morrison to win the tag team championships and awarding The Undertaker a trophy for defeating five other non-geriatric Superstars in a gauntlet match.

Bray Wyatt Drops WWE Universal Championshop to Up-and-Comer Who Can Use the Rub


About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

twitter   envelope   globe  

About News with Benefits

Why let facts get in the way of a good story? News with Benefits is just like the actual news, but more interesting because it's embellished. Yes, it may feature made-up quotes, wrong assertions, and completely baseless speculation, but in a way, isn't that more honest than the shameless buttkissing and corporate shillery you often find in the "real" news? Don't answer that.

News with Benefits was pioneered at toilet-themed comic book news and opinion website, which is sadly now defunct, but its stench lives on thanks to the support of your clicks and outraged comments.