Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, back for more of MTV's Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, the once-great trash tv franchise that has struggled throughout the pandemic era. I would apologize for not being here last week, but that would be a sign of weakness, so instead, I will simply insist that I did, in fact, publish a report on last week's episode of Jersey Shore, and it is you, the reader, who must have missed it. And if you disagree, comrade, you can take it up with my secret police. Haw haw haw haw!
Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Season 5 Episode 7: The Not-So International Vacation was named after the trip the former roommates took via private jet to what The Situation claimed would be "international waters," celebrating the end of his parole, which previously prevented him from leaving the country. Unfortunately, Mike seemed to have trouble with the concept, instead of booking a trip to the Florida Keys, which he claimed were in a region called The Bermuda Triangle, otherwise known as The Banana Republic. Comrade, I think I know a little something about banana republics, and the Florida Keys are not that. Mar-a-Lago, maybe. But not the Keys.
As usual, the key drama of this episode of Jersey Shore came from the storyline surrounding Angelina's looming deadline to decide whether to reconcile with her husband, Chris, or file for divorce, with five days to go at the start of the trip. Prior to leaving, Angelina and Chris visited Mike and Lauren for a little dinner and therapy, and apparently, they had sex afterward. The arc of the story so far seems to be heading toward reconciliation during the trip. Unfortunately, spoilers tell us it won't last, and as Angelina and Chris laid out their feelings during the episode, it's no surprise. Chris feels left out as Angelina leaves him at home to hang out with her "friends," while Angelina just wants to be banged. They may be doomed, but Angelina and her lack of self-preservation instinct, allowing her life to be destroyed on camera for the entertainment of the fans, is a godsend to the show.
For a little change of pace, the episode also featured some sweet moments, as J-Woww's fiance 24 teamed up with her kids to offer a promise ceremony, presenting infinity bracelets to each member of the family to celebrate their commitment to each other. Mike and Lauren also celebrated their three-year anniversary with a beach picnic this episode.
But things took a nasty turn as this week's Jersey Shore was ending and Lauren, tired, allowed her polite facade to drop, criticizing the waiters at the resort restaurant and even snapping and Vinny and Deena, insisting that they were keeping her from her sleep when she has an infant to take care of. Deena snapped back and the episode ended on that note, though this issue will probably be brushed off by the next episode. Then again, you never know. I was out for a few drinks three weeks ago with my boy Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and they had nearly the exact same argument when Zelenskky couldn't handle his vodka and wanted to go to bed early, and now look what's happening.
The next episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation promises more people yelling at each other and possibly a child drowning in the resort pool, if the teaser is to be believed. Until then, comrades: socialism or death!