Tony Khan Declares Himself Captain of Anti-WWE Wrestling Alliance

Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, bringing you breaking news from Impact Wrestling. AEW head honcho Tony Khan appeared in another paid ad on Impact Wrestling tonight, but instead of insulting Impact and flaunting his money, Khan decided to give a state of the wrestling industry address. During his speech, Khan declared himself the new "captain" of a war between all other wrestling companies and WWE.

Tony Schiavone and Tony Khan appear on Impact Wrestling
Tony Schiavone and Tony Khan appear on Impact Wrestling

The segment started with Tony Schiavone promoting tomorrow's Dynamite before introducing Khan to deliver what Schiavone called "a business outlook on the state of pro wrestling." Here's what Khan had to say:

This is The Crossroads. Tomorrow night on Wednesday Night, Dynamite, live on TNT. I thought this was the perfect time to give an assessment on the pro wrestling industry and where we all stand.

Impact, we might argue. But the truth is, we're on the same side. You're one of us. Impact, you're one of us. New Japan. They're one of us. AEW obviously it's us. It's us against them. And I don't have to tell you who "they" are. At Impact, before there was an AEW, you were a leader in this whole thing, but that time has passed. I'm the captain now, Impact.

But I'm a strong leader. I'm firm, but I'm fair. You had one request Don. You asked for an exploding barbed wire death match with Jon Moxley at Revolution. We're all on the same side. We're all on the same team. We're all in the same boat. Don, you guys opened up the forbidden door. You helped me open myself up. That's why I'm happy to grant your request this Sunday on PPV at Revolution?

And speaking of the forbidden door, tomorrow night on The Crossroads, AEW Wednesday Night Dynamite on TNT, you're going to see one of the biggest and most recognizable men in all of professional sports, Paul Wight, walk through the forbidden door. What a big heart I have. How big the forbidden door must be for a guy as big as Paul Wight to walk through it. And he's going to step into AEW Dynamite live for the very first time after he signed with us.

The forbidden door is open for anyone to come to AEW at any time, and that includes Shaq, another one of the biggest and most recognizable men in sports. He'll be in a tag team match tomorrow night on Wednesday Night Dynamite, teaming with Jade against Cody Rhodes and Red Velvet. You're going to see Tully Blanchard, one of the greatest wrestlers ever, coming out of retirement. It's going to be a huge night. We've got big matches on TNT. It's all part of a huge week leading up to Revolution on PPV this Sunday voting. Tony, tell 'em all about it.

Tony Schiavone then explained everything happening on AEW for the next six months. El Presidente gives that coup attempt an A+! Very well done, comrade Tony! Haw haw haw! Look for my full Impact report soon, amigos. Until next time: socialism or death.

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!