Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Knight Seeks Revenge, Uneasy Allies Collide

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Raw from Detroit: LA Knight battles Jacob Fatu, and Chad Gable teams with IC Champion Penta. Viva la lucha libre!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private box at Little Caesars Arena in Detroit, where I have commandeered the entire luxury suite level for tonight's festivities. My security detail has confiscated all the pizza from the concession stands – not for security reasons, you understand, but because Esteban has developed quite the appetite for Detroit-style deep dish. The bourgeoisie vendors can consider it a revolutionary tax.

Tonight's episode of WWE Raw promises to deliver the kind of drama and tension that I have not seen since that time I had to mediate a dispute between Kim Jong-un and Fidel Castro over who got to use the good karaoke machine at Muammar Gaddafi's birthday party. Trust me, comrades, when two socialist brothers disagree over whether to sing "My Way" or "I Will Survive," things can get heated. Dennis Rodman ended up having to separate them, which tells you how serious it became.

But I digress! Tonight's WWE Raw follows the explosive events of Saturday Night's Main Event, where Roman Reigns and Jalen Brunson stood tall after shutting down Seth Rollins and Tyrese Haliburton. Ah, this reminds me of the time the CIA tried to recruit basketball players to infiltrate my weekly pickup games, thinking they could gather intelligence while I was distracted by crossover dribbles. What they didn't anticipate was that I had already turned their agents into loyal comrades by offering them better healthcare and guaranteed contracts! Take that, capitalist pig sports agencies!

LA Knight vs. Jacob Fatu

Ahead of their Six-Man Tag Team Match at SummerSlam, LA Knight and The Bloodline's Jacob Fatu will collide.

The two Superstars have a long history that includes Fatu defeating Knight to win the United States Title at WrestleMania 41.

Who will earn a massive win heading into SummerSlam?

Find out tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Raw on Netflix.

Ah, comrades, a tale of revenge and redemption! LA Knight seeking to avenge his WrestleMania loss to Jacob Fatu – this speaks to my very soul! This reminds me of the time I lost a high-stakes domino game to Hugo Chávez, and then spent the next six months training with Jennifer Lopez (who, as it turns out, is a domino savant) just so I could defeat him in a rematch at Evo Morales's New Year's Eve gala. The look on Hugo's face when I slammed down that double-six for the victory? Priceless!

The Bloodline, of course, represents the kind of family consolidation of power that I deeply respect – though I must critique their capitalist tendencies. If only Fatu and his familia would seize the means of production from the bourgeoisie WWE executives and redistribute the championship opportunities to the proletariat wrestlers! Imagine the workers' paradise we could create! But tonight, Knight has the opportunity to strike a blow for the working-class performer against the entitled dynasty. This is the kind of class warfare I can support, even if neither competitor fully embraces socialist principles.

Penta and Chad Gable Team Against Ethan Page and Rusev

Last week on Raw, Chad Gable became the No. 1 Contender to Intercontinental Champion Penta by defeating Dominik Mysterio, Dragon Lee, Ethan Page, Je'Von Evans, Joe Hendry and Rusev in a Gauntlet Match.

However, tonight, Gable must team with his SummerSlam opponent in a monumental tag team match.

Will Gable and Penta be able to look past their impending Intercontinental Championship Match to defeat Rusev and Page?

Don't miss Raw, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Comrades, the uneasy alliance! Chad Gable and Penta must cooperate tonight despite their upcoming championship clash at SummerSlam. This tactical situation reminds me of the time I had to team up with a CIA operative to escape from a rogue mercenary group during a failed coup attempt in a country I shall not name (but it rhymes with "Schmonduras"). We didn't trust each other, he kept trying to secretly record my conversations, and I kept "accidentally" leaving him behind at checkpoints. But we needed each other to survive, just as Gable and Penta need each other tonight!

The beauty of this match, comrades, is the psychological warfare at play. Ethan Page and Rusev – ah, Rusev, a fellow traveler from Bulgaria who understands the superiority of Eastern European training methods – will surely try to exploit any cracks in the champion-challenger alliance. And speaking of Rusev, I must say it warms my revolutionary heart to see him back in action. We once shared vodka and stories about overthrowing the bourgeoisie at an underground poker game hosted by Triple H himself (before he became a corporate sellout, of course).

The Intercontinental Championship scene represents exactly the kind of meritocracy that should exist in all of society – except, of course, the championship itself should be collectively owned by all the workers rather than hoarded by one individual. But I suppose we cannot revolutionize everything overnight, no?

According to WWE's official preview, tonight's WWE Raw will be unmissable, and I must concur with my capitalist pig colleagues at WWE headquarters for once.

Comrades, I shall be watching tonight's WWE Raw from my luxury suite, surrounded by my most trusted generals, with Esteban perched on a throne of confiscated deep-dish pizzas, sipping the finest rum liberated from a yacht I "borrowed" from a fleeing oligarch. The champagne is chilling in solid gold ice buckets, the caviar is being served by servants who are definitely being paid a fair living wage (probably), and I have installed a 200-inch television screen that I definitely did not steal from Tony Khan's personal yacht during our last poker game.

Join me tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, comrades, and witness the glory of WWE Raw live from Detroit! And remember – workers of the wrestling world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your unfair contracts with capitalist pig promoters!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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