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WWE Raw Review: Bloodline Civil War Part 47 Erupts in Detroit

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from Detroit, where The Bloodline's family drama exploded, Penta & Gable teamed up, and chaos reigned supreme!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury suite at Little Caesars Arena in Detroit, where the champagne has run dry, Esteban has consumed his body weight in deep-dish pizza, and I have just witnessed an episode of WWE Raw that had more family drama than the time Saddam Hussein and Bashar al-Assad got into a heated argument at my birthday party over who made the best hummus. Spoiler alert: it was neither of them – Guy Fieri showed up uninvited and won the contest with his "Donkey Sauce" recipe, which I'm still not convinced was actually hummus.

But enough about my legendary culinary gatherings! Let us discuss last night's WWE Raw, which delivered the kind of chaos and betrayal that would make even the CIA proud – and believe me, comrades, I know a thing or two about CIA-orchestrated chaos. They once tried to destabilize my government by rigging a wrestling tournament, but I outsmarted them by simply winning all the matches myself. Take that, capitalist pig intelligence agencies!

World Tag Team Champions Bron Breakker & Austin Theory vs. Je'Von Evans & Dragon Lee

WWE Raw opened with the World Tag Team Champions Bron Breakker and Austin Theory – collectively known as The Vision – defending their honor if not their titles against Je'Von Evans and Dragon Lee. This match reminded me of the time I had to team up with Vladimir Putin in a potato sack race against Kim Jong-un and Nicolas Maduro at Raúl Castro's annual dictator retreat. The key to victory, comrades, is chemistry – and also making sure your partner doesn't accidentally invade a neighboring country while you're trying to coordinate your movements.

Breakker hit Dragon Lee with a spear that would have made even the most dedicated revolutionary guard wince, securing the victory for The Vision. But the real action came afterward when the Alpha Academy emerged to confront the champions. Maxxine Dupri slapped Otis, which led to Breakker delivering multiple spears to the big man. This is the kind of workers' uprising I can support – except Otis represents the proletariat being oppressed by the bourgeoisie champion class! Someone needs to explain class consciousness to these competitors. Perhaps I should offer my services as a consultant? I accept payment in gold bullion and confiscated CIA surveillance equipment.

Danhausen, Dominik Mysterio, JD McDonagh and Joe Hendry

Backstage drama unfolded when Dominik Mysterio and JD McDonagh tried to get their money back from Danhausen, that very nice, very evil wrestler who has somehow cursed half the roster. This situation escalated when Joe Hendry appeared to back up Danhausen, proving once again that solidarity among the working-class performers is essential! If only they would take the next logical step and seize the means of production from capitalist pig executives like Triple H and Nick Khan!

This backstage confrontation reminded me of the time the CIA tried to pay me in counterfeit currency for information about my nuclear program (which is purely for peaceful purposes, I assure you). When I demanded my money back, they sent Jason Statham to intimidate me, but I simply introduced him to my pet capybara Esteban, and Jason was so charmed that he switched sides and now sends me Christmas cards every year.

Oba Femi vs. JD McDonagh

Oba Femi continued his path of destruction on WWE Raw, absolutely demolishing McDonagh with his Fall From Grace finisher. Comrades, Femi is building momentum toward his Hell in a Cell Match against Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam, and I must say, watching him work is like watching a perfectly executed military coup – swift, decisive, and leaving no doubt about who is in charge.

Femi represents the kind of raw power that I deeply respect. He reminds me of my chief of security, General Rodriguez, who once single-handedly stopped a CIA-backed insurrection using nothing but his bare hands and a strongly worded letter to the United Nations. The only difference is that General Rodriguez has never faced Brock Lesnar, though I did once see him wrestle a bear at Steven Seagal's ranch in Montana. The bear tapped out.

Seth Rollins and Solo Sikoa

In a fascinating segment on WWE Raw, Solo Sikoa offered to help Seth Rollins against Roman Reigns and The Bloodline. Rollins, displaying the kind of stubborn pride that I once exhibited when the CIA offered to "help" me with my economy (by which they meant "overthrow my government and install a puppet regime"), refused the assistance.

Comrades, this is a man who understands that accepting help from the wrong allies can lead to disaster! This reminds me of the time Colonel Gaddafi offered to help me renovate my presidential palace, and I politely declined after learning his idea of "renovation" involved gold-plated everything, including the toilet seats. Some offers are best refused, no matter how tempting they may seem.

Rollins faces World Heavyweight Champion Roman Reigns at SummerSlam, and his decision to go it alone shows the kind of revolutionary spirit that I admire – even if he should be directing that spirit toward unionizing the WWE locker room and redistributing championship opportunities to all workers equally!

Intercontinental Champion Penta & Chad Gable vs. Rusev & Ethan Page

As I predicted in my preview, comrades, the uneasy alliance between Intercontinental Champion Penta and Chad Gable proved successful on WWE Raw! Despite being scheduled to face each other at SummerSlam, they worked together like a well-oiled socialist collective, with Gable applying the Ankle Lock to Rusev while Penta hit Ethan Page with a Mexican Destroyer.

Ah, Rusev! My old friend from the underground poker circuit! I must send him a fruit basket and a strongly worded note about aligning himself with Page, who represents the worst kind of capitalist opportunist. Rusev knows better – we once spent an entire evening in Robert De Niro's wine cellar discussing the superiority of Eastern European training methods and the inevitable triumph of the working class. He was magnificent that night, though I admit the seventeen bottles of vintage vodka may have affected our memories of the conversation.

The chemistry between Penta and Gable was remarkable, proving that even competitors can unite against a common enemy – much like how I once had to team up with an MI6 agent to escape from a rogue weapons dealer in Monaco. We didn't trust each other, she kept trying to secretly photograph my diplomatic passport, and I kept "accidentally" driving the getaway car in the wrong direction, but we got the job done! Also, Roger Moore was there for some reason.

Joe Hendry vs. AAA Mega Champion Dominik Mysterio

WWE Raw delivered more chaos when Joe Hendry defeated AAA Mega Champion Dominik Mysterio in a non-title match, thanks to interference from Danhausen, who hit Mysterio with his Triple D maneuver. But comrades, the real story here is the soap opera-level drama that unfolded!

Liv Morgan interfered during the match by attacking Hendry and slapping Danhausen, which led to Danhausen returning with IYO SKY, who neutralized Morgan. This had more twists and turns than the time I appeared as a guest villain on a telenovela that Salma Hayek was producing. My character was supposed to be defeated in three episodes, but I was so popular with the viewers that they kept me on for two full seasons! The CIA was furious because it improved my international image.

The involvement of so many competitors in one segment shows the interconnected nature of the modern wrestling landscape – everyone has alliances, everyone has enemies, and everyone is just one betrayal away from switching sides. It's exactly like geopolitics, except with better costumes and fewer drone strikes.

Jacob Fatu vs. LA Knight

The main event of WWE Raw delivered everything I hoped for and more, comrades! Jacob Fatu defeated LA Knight with a moonsault that defied both physics and common sense – how does a man that size fly through the air like a revolutionary fighter jet? It's magnificent!

But the real drama came from the Bloodline civil war that erupted around this match. Jimmy Uso came to ringside during the match, followed by Solo Sikoa, Royce Keys, and Jey Uso. Jey Uso took out Solo Sikoa backstage, and after the match, The Bloodline laid out LA Knight, Solo Sikoa, and Royce Keys in a display of family violence that would make even the most dysfunctional dictatorial dynasty blush!

This entire segment reminded me of the great family feud of 2019, when Kim Jong-un and his cousins got into an argument at my New Year's Eve party over who had the better missile program. Things escalated quickly, Dennis Rodman tried to mediate (again), and somehow Carmen Electra ended up being declared the winner of an impromptu talent show that we organized to distract everyone from the conflict. Good times, comrades. Good times.

The Bloodline's internal struggles represent the kind of succession crisis that I have carefully avoided in my own regime by ensuring absolute loyalty through generous benefits packages and only occasionally threatening to feed dissidents to Esteban (who, I assure you, is a vegetarian and would never actually eat anyone – he just looks very intimidating when properly motivated).

Comrades, last night's WWE Raw from Detroit was a triumph of sports entertainment! From the opening bell to the final chaotic brawl, the show delivered the kind of drama and action that keeps me watching despite my ongoing ideological opposition to the capitalist exploitation of wrestling talent by bourgeoisie executives.

As I sit here in my luxury suite, surrounded by the remains of Esteban's pizza feast and empty champagne bottles, I must reflect on the state of professional wrestling. These talented performers deserve better working conditions, guaranteed healthcare, and collective ownership of the means of production! But until that glorious revolution comes, I suppose we must content ourselves with watching them beat each other senseless for our entertainment.

The road to SummerSlam continues to heat up, and I, for one, cannot wait to see how these storylines develop. Will Solo Sikoa find allies against The Bloodline? Will Seth Rollins regret refusing help? Will Penta and Gable maintain their professional respect when the Intercontinental Championship is on the line? Will someone please explain to Otis that he needs to unionize immediately?

These are the questions that keep me awake at night, comrades – well, that and planning my next elaborate scheme to outwit the CIA, who I'm convinced are trying to cancel my Netflix subscription as part of a psychological warfare operation.

Until next week's WWE Raw, remember: workers of the wrestling world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your unfair contracts with capitalist pig promoters!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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