Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Burning Cars and Sending Messages

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw as The 946 set The Usos' SUV ablaze, The Vision decimated Oba Femi, and Money in the Bank qualifiers heated up, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury armored limousine en route to a secret underground bunker where I keep my extensive collection of WWE action figures, and I have some electrifying news for you today! Last night's WWE Raw from Birmingham, Alabama was absolutely on fire—literally, comrades, as The 946 set The Usos' SUV ablaze to close the show!

But let us start from the beginning, because this episode had more twists and turns than my last negotiation with the CIA over extradition rights. You see, comrades, I was once in a similar situation with my dear friend Kim Jong-un when we discovered someone had tampered with his favorite limousine. I suggested we handle it with diplomatic grace, but Kim insisted on launching a bottle rocket at it instead. The Miz was there for some reason, performing card tricks. But I digress!

The Vision Continue Their Reign of Terror

The show opened with The Vision—that capitalist coalition of Bron Breakker, Bronson Reed, Logan Paul, Austin Theory, and Maxxine Dupri—gloating about their vicious assault on Oba Femi at Sunday Night's Main Event. These bourgeoisie bullies stood in the ring celebrating their attack like corporate executives celebrating a successful round of layoffs, comrades. It disgusts El Presidente to see such monopolistic behavior!

But wait! Akira Tozawa interrupted with wonderful news—Theory would face competition, but not from him. Instead, Otis made his glorious return to Raw! The proletariat hero came charging down to battle the capitalist pig Theory, and though the match ended in disqualification when The Vision interfered, the real story was what happened next.

Despite being declared not medically cleared, Oba Femi stormed to the ring like a revolutionary seizing the means of production! He fought valiantly against The Vision, but the numbers game proved too much. Reed hit multiple Tsunamis on the fallen champion, leaving him devastated in the ring. Comrades, this reminded me of the time Fidel Castro and I were ambushed by CIA agents at a Costco in Miami—we were just there for the free samples, I swear! Anyway, we fought them off using shopping carts and bulk toilet paper packages, but I understand how Oba felt being overwhelmed.

The 946 Emerge as a New Threat

Speaking of revolutionary movements, a new faction emerged on Raw calling themselves The 946. Royce Keys, Bronco Nima, and Lucien Price introduced themselves through a stylish black-and-white video package, with Keys emphasizing that their bond was built on loyalty rather than family. Now this is something El Presidente can appreciate—loyalty is the foundation of any successful dictatorship, I mean, friendship!

The 946 spent the entire evening antagonizing The Usos, who arrived at the arena armed with a baseball bat and lead pipe. Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso were ready for war, but Jacob Fatu wisely counseled patience, warning them that Keys wanted to provoke them into making a mistake. Ah, the wisdom of restraint, comrades! I learned this lesson when dealing with the United Nations—sometimes you must wait for the perfect moment to strike, like when my pet capybara Esteban waits for the perfect moment to steal caviar from my breakfast table.

But The 946 would not be denied their moment of chaos! In the show's closing segment, Keys, Nima, and Price appeared on the parking lot camera feed standing next to The Usos' SUV. They smashed the windows with crowbars, poured gasoline through the sunroof, and Keys threw in a lighter, setting the vehicle ablaze while The Usos and Fatu watched helplessly from the ring.

Comrades, this was a statement! Though I must say, destroying a perfectly good automobile is wasteful. In my country, we would have redistributed that SUV to the people—after removing the tracking devices the CIA inevitably planted in it, of course.

Money in the Bank Qualifiers Heat Up

The road to Money in the Bank continued with two qualifying matches that had significant implications for the upcoming ladder match. First, Bron Breakker defeated Rey Mysterio and Ethan Page in a triple threat match, securing his spot in the men's Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Breakker hit a spectacular double Frankensteiner on both opponents before spearing Mysterio for the victory.

This Breakker fellow is dangerous, comrades. He reminds me of a young Hugo Chávez—full of energy, ambition, and the ability to take down multiple opponents at once. Though hopefully Breakker will use his power for the people rather than the capitalist overlords of The Vision!

In the women's division, Sol Ruca emerged victorious in a triple threat match against Lyra Valkyria and Maxxine Dupri. But the real story was the return of Bayley, who pulled the referee out of the ring just as Valkyria appeared ready to secure the pinfall. This allowed Ruca to hit the Sol Snatcher and steal the victory. Bayley then attacked Valkyria after the match, attempting to put her through the broadcast table before Valkyria escaped through the crowd.

Ah, interference in matches! This is something El Presidente knows well from my dealings with international election observers. Sometimes you must create a distraction at the perfect moment to achieve your desired outcome, no?

Championship Drama and Backstage Tensions

The main event saw Liv Morgan successfully defend her Women's World Championship against Stephanie Vaquer, but not without considerable assistance from Judgment Day. Roxanne Perez distracted the referee while Raquel Rodriguez shoved Vaquer off the ropes, leading to Rodriguez's ejection. But then Becky Lynch ran out to attack Rodriguez and chase Perez over the barricade, creating enough chaos for Perez to slide the title belt to Morgan, who used it to hit Vaquer before finishing her with Oblivion.

This whole situation is more complicated than the time I tried to explain to Muammar Gaddafi why his idea for a reality TV show called "Keeping Up with the Dictators" would not work. Nicolas Cage was there pitching a screenplay about the National Treasure being hidden in my palace. It was a whole thing, comrades.

Earlier in the evening, there was delicious tension between Lynch and Vaquer backstage. Lynch suggested Vaquer should accept help before facing Morgan, but Vaquer pridefully refused, saying she would not ask for assistance. Lynch told her to go back to Chile as a loser—harsh words, comrades! Later, Morgan confronted Lynch and made personal remarks about Lynch's husband, adding fuel to this increasingly complicated situation.

Paul Heyman Plants Seeds of Doubt

In a fascinating backstage segment, Paul Heyman met with The Vision and delivered some ominous words to Bron Breakker. While praising Bronson Reed's destruction, Heyman asked Breakker whether Oba Femi was still breathing. This simple question visibly changed Breakker's demeanor, suggesting that perhaps The Vision's leader is not as confident in their complete victory as he appears.

Ah, Heyman! That magnificent manipulator knows how to plant doubt like I know how to plant listening devices in the American embassy. The man is a master of psychological warfare, comrades. I once saw him negotiate with Vladimir Putin over a pastrami sandwich at a delicatessen in Brooklyn. Putin left questioning his entire life philosophy, and Heyman got the sandwich for free.

Additional Highlights and Looking Ahead

Joe Hendry defeated JD McDonagh after Je'Von Evans appeared wearing a giant Funko Pop-style head mocking McDonagh, distracting Dominik Mysterio and allowing Hendry to hit the Standing Ovation for the victory. The comedy in this segment was chef's kiss, as we say in the dictator business!

The Miz and Kit Wilson continued their campaign of arrogance by interrupting an interview with Birmingham comedian Matt Mathews, mocking him and the local fans before Miz hit Mathews with a Skull Crushing Finale. These capitalist pigs think they can mock the working class with impunity! This is why we need the wrestlers to unionize and seize the means of production, comrades!

In other backstage developments, LA Knight told Raw General Manager Adam Pearce that he wanted the winner of next week's World Heavyweight Championship match between Roman Reigns and Penta. Solo Sikoa then approached Knight, warning him about how dangerous Royce Keys is and asking if Knight had his back. Knight agreed but suggested waiting things out, though Solo expressed doubt that he could wait.

Meanwhile, Penta delivered a passionate subtitled promo about his upcoming championship loss against Reigns in Mexico City, promising that Reigns would defeat him in front of friends, family, and an entire country cheering for him. Comrades, this moved even El Presidente's cold, dictatorial heart! There is something beautiful about a warrior fighting for his homeland, even if he is definitely going to lose.

Next week's Raw from Mexico City promises to be spectacular, with Roman Reigns defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Penta, Chad Gable defending the Intercontinental Championship against Dragon Lee, and more Money in the Bank qualifiers including Kelani Jordan vs. Raquel Rodriguez vs. Lola Vice and Je'Von Evans vs. Big Cass vs. Austin Theory.

Comrades, this episode of Raw was hotter than the time I accidentally set fire to my own motorcade trying to impress Shakira at a state dinner—long story involving fireworks and poor judgment. The Vision's continued dominance, the emergence of The 946, and the burning of The Usos' vehicle have set the stage for explosive confrontations in the weeks ahead.

Until next time, comrades, remember: always park your vehicle in a secure location with proper surveillance, never trust the CIA, and keep fighting for the working class! Esteban and I will be watching from my presidential suite, enjoying imported cheeses and plotting our next move in the eternal struggle against capitalist oppression.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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