Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE NXT, WWE Raw, wwe smackdown

WWE Raw Review: CM Punk Captures Gold, Ends Sami Zayn Experiment

CM Punk becomes Undisputed WWE Champion in Chicago after Gunther takes out Cody Rhodes. Plus new tag champs crowned on Monday Night Raw.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my solid gold hot tub aboard my luxury yacht (currently anchored off the coast of Montenegro), where I have just finished watching what can only be described as the most glorious triumph of the proletariat since I successfully nationalized my country's entire supply of premium tequila. Last night's episode of WWE Raw from Chicago was a revolutionary spectacle that would make even Che Guevara stand up and applaud—assuming he wasn't too busy being dead, of course.

Esteban the capybara is still recovering from the excitement, having knocked over an entire tray of truffle-infused hors d'oeuvres during the main event. But comrades, it was worth every spilled caviar blini, because WWE Raw delivered a night that will be remembered for years to come!

Gunther Unleashes Brutal Attack on Cody Rhodes

WWE Raw opened with the kind of violence that reminds me of the time I had to defend my palace from a CIA-backed coup while simultaneously judging a state-sponsored baking competition (long story, involved Martha Stewart and a suspicious amount of plastique explosives hidden in soufflés). Gunther, the Austrian Ring General and walking advertisement for the efficacy of authoritarian chest-chopping regimes, decided that Cody Rhodes should not be allowed to compete for the Undisputed WWE Championship later in the evening.

The attack was so brutal, so methodical, so perfectly executed that it brought a tear to my eye—the same kind of tear I shed when I successfully orchestrated the bloodless takeover of a neighboring island nation during a particularly competitive game of Risk with Kim Jong-un and Dennis Rodman back in 2017. Gunther powerbombed Rhodes through the announce table and left him lying in a heap, effectively removing the American Nightmare from his scheduled title match against Sami Zayn.

Comrades, this was the opening salvo in what would become a night of pure chaos. The bourgeoisie capitalist pig Triple H and his corporate cronies must have been scrambling in their luxury suites, trying to figure out how to salvage their carefully planned show. Little did they know, the revolution was just beginning!

Seth Rollins Opens Raw, Gets Upstaged by LA Knight and Jimmy Uso

Seth Rollins came out to address the people of Chicago about his upcoming World Heavyweight Championship match against Roman Reigns at SummerSlam, but in typical capitalist fashion, he spent most of his time complaining about Reigns not showing up to WWE Raw. This reminds me of the time I complained about the United Nations not inviting me to their annual gala, only to discover they had invited me but the invitation was intercepted by CIA operatives who replaced it with a fake summons to a tribunal in The Hague (I did not attend either event, for the record).

Rollins claimed that Roman Reigns "needs a bigger check to show up on Raw," which is rich coming from a man who probably has more money in his ring gear budget than most small nations have in their GDP. But before Rollins could finish his lengthy monologue—and comrades, I recognize a fellow lover of long speeches when I see one—LA Knight interrupted to remind everyone that he exists and also deserves opportunities.

The confrontation escalated when Jimmy Uso came out and dropped LA Knight, because apparently on WWE Raw, the solution to every disagreement is violence. This is a philosophy I can respect, having used it successfully to resolve everything from border disputes to arguments about who gets the last empanada at state dinners.

Bron Breakker & Austin Theory Reclaim World Tag Team Championship

Comrades, Bron Breakker and Austin Theory—collectively known as "The Vision," which is what I call my surveillance network—defeated The Street Profits to reclaim the World Tag Team Championship in a match that featured more interference than a typical election in my country (which is to say, a lot).

Logan Paul introduced brass knuckles into the match, because apparently the social media capitalist pig has nothing better to do than help wrestling matches reach their predetermined conclusions. Then, in a moment that made me nearly fall off my yacht from laughter, Maxxine Dupri delivered a low blow to Angelo Dawkins while the referee was distracted. This is tactical warfare at its finest, comrades! I once used a similar distraction technique during a tense negotiation with Vladimir Putin, except instead of a low blow, I had a trained parrot steal his reading glasses while Steven Seagal performed an impromptu aikido demonstration. Putin was not amused, but he also didn't see it coming, so advantage: El Presidente.

Austin Theory then pinned Dawkins, and The Vision became champions once again. Afterward, Maxxine Dupri kissed Theory in celebration, proving that in the world of professional wrestling, as in the world of international relations, attractive accomplices make everything better.

Sol Ruca Retains Women's Intercontinental Championship

Sol Ruca, the surfing proletarian champion of the people, successfully defended her Women's Intercontinental Championship against Raquel Rodriguez in a match that featured exactly the kind of outside interference I predicted in yesterday's preview. Comrades, when you have lived as long and as dangerously as I have, you develop a sixth sense for when capitalist conspiracies are about to unfold.

Liv Morgan and Roxanne Perez tried to help Rodriguez win the title, but IYO SKY neutralized them at ringside, allowing Sol Ruca to hit the Sol Snatcher for the victory. This reminds me of the time three rival dictators tried to overthrow me simultaneously during a regional summit, but my loyal security chief (and former Olympic wrestler) Nikolai intercepted them in the parking garage. I later rewarded Nikolai with his own helicopter and a lifetime supply of state-manufactured vodka. Perhaps Sol Ruca should consider giving IYO SKY a helicopter as well—everyone loves helicopters.

Paul Heyman and Oba Femi Exchange Words

Paul Heyman, the wise counsel and advocate for various large men who enjoy hurting people, came to WWE Raw to speak on behalf of Brock Lesnar ahead of his Hell in a Cell match with Oba Femi at SummerSlam. Heyman, with his silver tongue and impeccable suit, warned that Lesnar would destroy Oba Femi inside the demonic structure.

But Oba Femi, The Ruler, responded with the confidence of a man who has never faced consequences for his actions—a trait I recognize and admire, having built my entire political career on it. Femi declared that Hell in a Cell would be "the end of Brock Lesnar," which is bold talk for someone who was F-5'd and low-blowed just last week. Still, I respect the audacity. It reminds me of the time I challenged Hulk Hogan to an arm-wrestling contest at a charity event in 1998. I lost immediately and injured my shoulder, but I never admitted defeat publicly. The state-controlled media reported that Hogan had cheated by using American steroids, and to this day, my people believe I am undefeated in arm-wrestling.

Ethan Page & Rusev Destroy Everyone

Ethan Page and Rusev—yes, comrades, RUSEV, the Bulgarian Brute who once championed the cause of anti-American sentiment—teamed up to defeat Chad Gable and Dragon Lee in a match that ended with Rusev making Dragon Lee submit to the Accolade. This submission hold is almost as effective as the "enhanced interrogation techniques" my security forces definitely do not use on political dissidents (wink, wink).

After the match, Page and Rusev continued their assault on the fallen luchador and the American wrestler, because why stop at victory when you can also enjoy brutality? Joe Hendry attempted to make the save, but Rusev attacked him as well, proving that on WWE Raw, no good deed goes unpunished. This is a lesson I learned early in my political career when I tried to help Hugo Chávez move into his new palace and he repaid me by "borrowing" my favorite golden toilet seat. I never got it back, Hugo. Never.

CM Punk Replaces Cody Rhodes in the Main Event

Comrades, this is where WWE Raw transformed from a simple wrestling show into a revolutionary masterpiece! With Cody Rhodes unable to compete due to Gunther's earlier attack, the capitalist pigs in WWE management needed a replacement challenger for Sami Zayn's Undisputed WWE Championship. And who did they choose? None other than Chicago's own CM Punk!

The announcement sent the Allstate Arena into a frenzy not seen since the time I accidentally set off fireworks inside the United Nations General Assembly during a heated debate about trade sanctions (in my defense, I thought they were party poppers). Punk, the rebellious voice of the voiceless, the straight-edge revolutionary who walked away from WWE's oppressive corporate structure, was getting a championship match in his hometown!

This was the people's choice, comrades! This was democracy in action! Well, not real democracy—more like the kind of democracy we have in my country, where the outcome is predetermined but everyone still gets very excited about it because they've been conditioned to by decades of propaganda.

CM Punk Captures the Undisputed WWE Championship

And then, comrades, it happened. In the main event of WWE Raw, CM Punk defeated Sami Zayn to become the new Undisputed WWE Champion! The match was a beautiful display of wrestling acumen, with both men showcasing why they deserve to be at the top of the industry. But in the end, Punk avoided Zayn's Helluva Kick, delivered a Helluva Kick of his own (seizing the means of production, as it were), and then hit the Go-To-Sleep for the victory.

The Chicago crowd exploded with joy! Grown men wept! Children celebrated! Esteban knocked over my entire champagne bucket in excitement! It was glorious, comrades! A true underdog story—except Punk is a massive star and was always going to win, but still!

This moment reminded me of my own triumphant return to power in 2003 after a brief "sabbatical" (the CIA calls it an "exile," I call it a "strategic retreat to the Bahamas with several suitcases full of cash"). When I returned to my palace, the people rejoiced just as loudly, though admittedly some of that rejoicing may have been mandatory under penalty of law. But the sentiment was genuine!

Sami Zayn's reign as champion lasted just over a week—longer than some of my coalition governments, but still disappointingly brief. The poor Canadian proletarian hero had the championship ripped from his grasp faster than the time Fidel Castro "borrowed" my yacht for a "quick trip" and returned it three months later with mysterious bullet holes in the hull. Zayn deserves better, but such is life under the capitalist WWE regime. At least he got his moment in the sun, unlike my former Finance Minister, who questioned my spending habits and mysteriously transferred to our embassy in Antarctica.

Final Thoughts on WWE Raw

Comrades, last night's episode of WWE Raw was a reminder of why we love this beautiful sport of professional wrestling. It has everything: violence, betrayal, championship glory, and hometown heroes triumphing against the odds. It is like my autobiography, except with better production values and fewer allegations of human rights violations.

CM Punk is now the Undisputed WWE Champion heading into SummerSlam, which raises many questions: Will Cody Rhodes seek revenge? Will Gunther claim he deserves a title shot? Will Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins' World Heavyweight Championship match now be overshadowed? And most importantly, will WWE allow the revolutionary Punk to carry their most prestigious prize, or will they find a way to put it back on someone more "corporate-friendly" at the next available opportunity?

Only time will tell, comrades. But for now, we celebrate this glorious moment when the voice of the voiceless became the voice of the champions. ¡Viva CM Punk! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to console Esteban. He became so emotionally invested in Sami Zayn's championship reign that he has refused to eat his usual breakfast of organic greens and premium nuts. I have ordered my chef to prepare a special feast to lift his spirits. When you are a capybara living in a dictator's palace, even your disappointments are catered.

Until next time, comrades, remember: seize the means of production, support your local wrestling promotion, and never trust the CIA when they offer you a "free vacation" to an undisclosed location.

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