Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Gable Runs Gauntlet, Reigns Gets Stomped

Chad Gable conquers the gauntlet match, Seth Rollins stomps Roman Reigns, and Oba Femi attacks the police on WWE Raw. Your El Presidente reviews it all!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private screening room deep within my volcano lair, where the lava flows provide excellent mood lighting and Esteban, my beloved capybara, has his own velvet chaise lounge. Last night's episode of WWE Raw was absolutely spectacular, and I watched every moment while sipping rum that was once part of a shipment the CIA tried to poison (joke's on them – I built up an immunity years ago!).

Oba Femi and Brock Lesnar Start WWE Raw with Police Brutality

WWE Raw opened with Oba Femi addressing his upcoming Hell in a Cell match with Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam, and comrades, the tension was thicker than the security around my gold reserves! Paul Heyman, that magnificent orator, attempted to keep the peace between these two behemoths, but it was like trying to negotiate a ceasefire between me and the CIA – absolutely futile!

The WWE had placed a wall of police officers between Femi and Lesnar, which reminded me of the time Saddam Hussein and I got into an argument at Steven Seagal's birthday party over who had the better mustache. They had to bring in UN peacekeepers! But unlike those peacekeepers, these police officers were no match for The Ruler. Oba Femi attacked the entire police presence like a true revolutionary seizing the means of production from the bourgeoisie! This is how you build to Hell in a Cell, comrades – with complete and utter disregard for law enforcement!

IYO SKY Defeats Roxanne Perez Despite Judgment Day Interference

The Genius of the Sky, IYO SKY, faced Roxanne Perez in what was supposed to be a tune-up match before her SummerSlam championship opportunity against Liv Morgan. Comrades, IYO reminds me of my former chief pilot who once navigated us through a CIA drone strike while I was eating breakfast – grace under pressure!

Liv Morgan and Raquel Rodriguez attempted to interfere from the apron, but IYO knocked them off like I knock down imperialist propaganda! When Perez tried a quick pin, IYO reversed it into a pin of her own for the victory. However, the capitalist pigs of The Judgment Day couldn't accept this workers' triumph! They attacked IYO after the match, and even when Sol Ruca tried to make the save, Rodriguez took her out at ringside. The segment ended with Morgan hitting IYO with the Women's World Championship belt – a cowardly attack that reminds me of how the CIA operates in general!

Maxxine Dupri Manipulates Otis in the Most Heartbreaking Segment

Comrades, this segment broke my heart more than when I discovered my Minister of Agriculture was actually three children in a trench coat! Maxxine Dupri manipulated poor Otis into stopping his attack on Austin Theory by appealing to his emotions. The big man backed off because he still has feelings for Maxxine, and what did he get for his troubles? The Vision beat down both him and Akira Tozawa like capitalist pigs crushing the proletariat!

This is exactly what happened to me when I trusted Manuel Noriega's recommendation for a new chef, and it turned out the chef was actually a CIA operative who kept trying to serve me suspiciously glowing food. Otis must learn that trust is a luxury in this business, just like my imported caviar and Esteban's diamond-studded water bowl!

Bloodline Drama Leads to SummerSlam Six-Man Tag Announcement

The drama on WWE Raw continued when Royce Keys hopped the barricade and brawled with Jimmy Uso, following up on events from SmackDown. This spontaneous proletariat uprising led to an impromptu match, but comrades, that's when things got truly interesting!

Jacob Fatu arrived and attacked Keys, causing a no-contest. But then, Solo Sikoa – that magnificent tactician who reminds me of the time I convinced Muammar Gaddafi and Hugo Chavez they were both invited to be my plus-one at Kathy Griffin's holiday party – got Fatu's attention and claimed he was ready to rejoin his family. Instead, he attacked both Jimmy Uso and Fatu! Keys rejoined the fight, and LA Knight entered with a steel chair to help clear the ring.

Knight then announced a SummerSlam Six-Man Tag Team Match involving himself, Solo, Keys, Jimmy Uso, Jacob Fatu, and a mysterious third participant referred to only as "The Megastar." Comrades, I love a good mystery! It's almost as exciting as the time I had to figure out which of my seven yacht captains was secretly working for the CIA. (Spoiler: it was all seven of them, so I promoted my pool boy.)

Lyra Valkyria Attacks Bayley Before Saturday Night's Main Event

Lyra Valkyria addressed Bayley on WWE Raw after learning they will face each other at Saturday Night's Main Event, and comrades, she didn't waste time with pleasantries! Valkyria attacked Bayley like a revolutionary storming the palace – which, coincidentally, is how I acquired my current palace after the previous dictator failed to pay his protection money to Pablo Escobar (we were in a book club together).

This is how you build anticipation for a match, comrades! None of this bourgeoisie handshaking nonsense. Just pure, unfiltered aggression!

The Intercontinental Championship No. 1 Contender's Gauntlet Match: A True Worker's Journey

Comrades, this was the highlight of WWE Raw for me! Seven competitors entered this gauntlet match to earn the right to challenge Penta for the Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam, and what a journey it was!

Dominik Mysterio defeated Joe Hendry first, using a frog splash after help from JD McDonagh. The capitalist pig had to cheat to win, just like how Nick Khan probably runs WWE Raw – with no regard for the dignity of honest competition!

But then, Je'Von Evans defeated Dominik with the OG Cutter after Danhausen caused a distraction. Comrades, Danhausen is like my Minister of Curses – unpredictable and very good at his job! Evans then went on to defeat Dragon Lee as well, showing the stamina of a true worker who refuses to be exploited by the championship bourgeoisie!

However, Rusev ended Evans' run by making him tap out to the Accolade. I stood up and saluted from my volcano lair! Esteban even paused his caviar consumption to witness this glorious moment! Rusev crushing the capitalist dreams reminds me of the time I arm-wrestled Vladimir Putin while Dennis Rodman refereed. (I lost, but only because Putin threatened to release my search history.)

But comrades, Chad Gable had other plans! He escaped the Accolade, sent Rusev into the turnbuckle with a German suplex, and pinned him with a victory roll. The technical prowess! The determination! Gable fights like a worker who has finally decided to seize the means of production!

Finally, Gable faced Ethan Page and made him tap out to the ankle lock, winning the entire gauntlet and earning the right to challenge Penta at SummerSlam! This was a performance worthy of a standing ovation, which I gave from my throne while Esteban applauded with his tiny capybara paws. Chad Gable running this gauntlet was more impressive than the time I won a hot dog eating contest against Kim Jong-un and Guy Fieri at Flavor Town's grand opening!

Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins Contract Signing Ends in Chaos

The main event of WWE Raw was the contract signing between Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins for their World Heavyweight Championship match at SummerSlam. Comrades, I told you that table would not survive! Just like the peace treaty table at my summit with Fidel and Kim Jong-il!

The Tribal Chief and The Visionary made their match official, but as expected in professional wrestling and international diplomacy, the signing broke down into violence. Rollins stomped Reigns, sending a message that he will not be intimidated by The OTC. This is the kind of revolutionary spirit we need! Workers of the wrestling world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains – and in this case, those chains are metaphorical championship belts held by the bourgeoisie!

What's Next After WWE Raw

After this explosive episode of WWE Raw, we have much to look forward to, comrades:

• Oba Femi vs. Brock Lesnar in Hell in a Cell at SummerSlam – two monsters who will destroy each other!
• IYO SKY will challenge Liv Morgan for the Women's World Championship at SummerSlam – revenge will be sweet!
• Chad Gable earned his shot at Penta's Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam – a true worker's triumph!
• Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins for the World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam – brothers turned enemies!
• Lyra Valkyria vs. Bayley at Saturday Night's Main Event – violence has already begun!
• The mysterious Six-Man Tag Team Match at SummerSlam with LA Knight, Solo Sikoa, Royce Keys, Jimmy Uso, Jacob Fatu, and "The Megastar" – who could it be?!

Comrades, last night's WWE Raw was a masterpiece of sports entertainment! From Oba Femi attacking police officers to Chad Gable's gauntlet triumph to Seth Rollins stomping Roman Reigns, every segment delivered! Esteban and I watched from beginning to end, and now we eagerly await SummerSlam, where all these conflicts will reach their explosive conclusions!

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución! And remember, comrades – always sign your contracts in pencil, never trust the CIA, and never, ever interrupt El Presidente during WWE Raw!

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