Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Jaida Parker Runs Down Jacob Fatu With Car

Comrades, witness Jaida Parker's shocking vehicular assault on Jacob Fatu as The 946 expands and WWE Raw delivers absolute chaos in Milwaukee!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury armored limousine (the one with the built-in hot tub and capybara spa), and I must tell you about the absolute chaos that unfolded last night on WWE Raw in Milwaukee! But first, a moment of silence for our fallen comrade, Benjamin Satterley, known to wrestling fans as Pac and before that, in WWE, as Neville. The show opened with a memorial graphic honoring this talented wrestler, gone far too soon, reminding us all that life is as fleeting as the CIA's respect for international borders.

But comrades, after this somber beginning, Raw delivered a night of violence that would make even my good friend Kim Jong-un say "perhaps we should dial it back a little." And believe me, I once watched Kim try to wrestle a mechanical bull at Dennis Rodman's birthday party, so he knows from excessive violence.

The Bloodline Gets Baited Like Capitalist Fish

Jacob Fatu and The Usos started the show by calling out The 946 after last week's abduction of Solo Sikoa. They challenged Royce Keys, Bronco Nima, and Lucien Price to show themselves, then rushed backstage when an SUV arrived. But instead of The 946, out stepped Jaida Parker, who calmly announced she was there to see Adam Pearce. The Bloodline looked more foolish than the time the CIA tried to convince me that the package they sent me was "definitely not a bomb" (it was a bomb, comrades).

This was beautiful psychological warfare, comrades! The 946 is using the capitalist tactic of misdirection, though unlike the bourgeoisie, they are at least honest about their intentions to cause mayhem. Speaking of mayhem, my pet capybara Esteban once caused similar confusion at a G20 summit when he was mistaken for the Peruvian ambassador. The resulting trade negotiations were surprisingly productive.

Lola Vice Defeats Roxanne Perez, Then Violence Erupts

Lola Vice defeated Roxanne Perez with her devastating MIA spinning backfist, but the real story came after the bell. Raquel Rodriguez attacked Vice, and when Sol Ruca tried to help, both women were left laid out. This is what happens when the workers do not unite against their common oppressors, comrades! Vice and Ruca must seize the means of production together if they hope to defeat the capitalist alliance of Perez and Rodriguez.

Oba Femi and Bronson Reed Sign for Money in the Bank

Oba Femi called out Bronson Reed and presented a contract for their Money in the Bank showdown. Reed signed without hesitation, sealing what Femi called his "fate." This reminds me of the time I signed a non-aggression pact with Muammar Gaddafi while we were both getting pedicures at a Swiss spa. We both knew the signatures meant nothing, but the ritual was important. Also, Gaddafi had excellent taste in nail polish colors.

Dragon Lee Defeats Big Cass With Cunning Counter

Dragon Lee outsmarted Big Cass, countering a chokeslam attempt into a quick pin. This is the power of technique over brute strength, comrades! It is like when I defeated a CIA operative in chess by simply bribing the referee. Intelligence always defeats raw power!

LA Knight Issues Challenge to Roman Reigns

LA Knight cut a passionate promo about being held back and his upcoming World Heavyweight Title match against Roman Reigns at Money in the Bank. "I will rise because I must rise," Knight declared. This is the spirit of the revolutionary, comrades! Though Knight should consider that rising against the Tribal Chief is easier when you collectivize your support and form a workers' council.

Knight later confronted The Bloodline backstage, telling them to inform Reigns that he would be waiting next week. Fatu suggested Knight might have problems later that night, which turned out to be prescient in ways none of us expected.

Stephanie Vaquer Books Number One Contender's Match

Women's World Champion Stephanie Vaquer announced that Becky Lynch and Liv Morgan would face each other next week, with the winner challenging her at Money in the Bank. This is good booking, comrades! Let the workers compete for the right to challenge for the championship. Though in my country, I simply declare myself champion of everything and eliminate the competition. It is much more efficient.

IYO SKY Defeats Lyra Valkyria With Bayley's Assistance

IYO SKY defeated Lyra Valkyria after Bayley provided a distraction from the announce table. SKY hit her Over The Moonsault for the victory. This is what I call "strategic alliance," comrades, though Valkyria should file a grievance with the workers' committee about outside interference.

Rey Fenix Challenges Ethan Page

AAA Cruiserweight Champion Rey Fenix announced he had permission to defend his title across brands, then accepted a challenge from Ethan Page for next week in a non-title match. Chad Gable was also present, presumably taking notes on how successful wrestlers conduct themselves. This cross-promotional cooperation is like when I allowed Venezuelan and Cuban intelligence services to share my volcano lair's conference room. Solidarity among socialist states!

Penta and Je'Von Evans Defeat Judgment Day With Hendry's Help

Penta and Je'Von Evans defeated Dominik Mysterio and JD McDonagh after Joe Hendry appeared with a life-size McDonagh Funko Pop figure, distracting McDonagh long enough for Evans to take him out at ringside. Penta then hit Dominik with a Mexican Destroyer for the pin. Comrades, this is the kind of creative psychological warfare I appreciate! Though I must say, when Fidel Castro and I made life-size action figures of our enemies, we used them for voodoo rituals, not wrestling distractions. Different eras, I suppose.

But the celebration was short-lived, as Bron Breakker attacked both winners after the match, spearing them both and leaving his Money in the Bank opponents down.

The 946 and The Bloodline Engage in Epic Brawl

The main event segment saw The 946—Keys, Nima, and Price—enter through the crowd with no music, beating up security before The Bloodline rushed out to meet them. The two factions brawled throughout the arena, in the ring, through the crowd, and eventually backstage in a scene that reminded me of the time Hugo Chávez and I got into a disagreement about who made better empanadas at a Latin American summit. That also ended with vehicular violence, though it involved a golf cart rather than a full automobile.

Jaida Parker Runs Down Jacob Fatu in Shocking Attack

But comrades, nothing could prepare us for what happened next. As Fatu and Keys fought in the parking area, Keys used a vehicle door as a weapon against Fatu. Then, as Fatu struggled to recover, Parker drove a black car directly into him! At first, she acted as if it was an accident, but then she stood with Keys and declared "Ain't nobody safe" before they left together, with Fatu lying bloody on the ground.

This was more shocking than the time the CIA tried to assassinate me with an exploding cigar at the United Nations cafeteria! Parker has revealed herself as a member of The 946, expanding this faction in ways we did not anticipate. The 946 is growing like a proper revolutionary movement, comrades, though they should consider adopting a formal manifesto and perhaps some collectivist economic policies.

In digital exclusive footage released after the show, medical personnel loaded Fatu into an ambulance, with The Usos accompanying him. Jey Uso told Pearce they would keep in touch as the ambulance doors closed.

Comrades, this is how you build a faction war! The 946 has now taken out Solo Sikoa and Jacob Fatu, systematically dismantling The Bloodline like I systematically dismantled the CIA's listening post in my presidential palace (it was hidden in the chandelier, very unimaginative). With Reigns scheduled to appear next week, and matches including Lynch vs. Morgan, Fenix vs. Page, and Vice & Ruca vs. Perez & Rodriguez all on the card, next week's Raw promises to be unmissable.

Now if you'll excuse me, Esteban and I have a meeting with the Belarusian Minister of Transportation about importing more luxury vehicles. One can never have too many getaway cars, especially after watching what Parker did to poor Fatu!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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