Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: New Tag Champs Crowned in London

New tag champs crowned as The Street Profits overthrow The Vision! Plus Bloodline chaos and Lyra Valkyria's workers' revolt on WWE Raw from London!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury sky box at The O2 Arena in London, where I have been enjoying fine English tea and plotting my next confrontation with MI6. This afternoon's episode of WWE Raw was a magnificent display of sports entertainment, and I must tell you, it reminded me of the time I attended a wrestling show with Kim Jong-un and Dennis Rodman in Pyongyang. Though I must say, the London crowd was significantly less likely to execute you for booing the wrong person.

Let me tell you, comrades, WWE Raw delivered the goods today, much like the time I successfully intercepted a CIA weapons shipment and converted it into playground equipment for the children of my nation. But I digress!

Oba Femi and Jey Uso Set the Stage

Oba Femi opened WWE Raw with the confidence of a man who has seized the means of production, comrades! He spoke of destiny and his upcoming King of the Ring Final against Jey Uso at Night of Champions. What I appreciated most was his strategic thinking about whether to challenge for the Undisputed WWE Championship or the World Heavyweight Championship should he win. This is the kind of long-term planning I use when deciding which Caribbean island to purchase next!

When Jey Uso emerged from the crowd, I was reminded of my own dramatic entrances through the people when visiting the villages of my homeland. Jey's speech about being counted out before was inspiring, though I noticed he plans to go after Cody Rhodes if he wins. But the most intriguing moment came when Oba warned Jey that he is not the family member Oba is worried about. Ah, family drama! It is like the Thanksgiving dinner I once attended with Fidel Castro and Pablo Escobar, where things got very tense over who made the better flan.

LA Knight, Jimmy Uso, and Backstage Politics

The backstage segment with LA Knight, Jimmy Uso, and Adam Pearce was pure political theater, comrades. Knight's confrontation over Bloodline business and last week's incident with Jacob Fatu was the kind of workplace dispute that would never happen in my regime, where all workplace disputes are settled with a friendly game of Russian roulette. Jimmy's argument about Knight hitting him with a chair when he was trying to help demonstrates the communication breakdowns that occur in any large organization, much like when my intelligence chief accidentally ordered a hit on our own finance minister because of a typo.

Pearce's solution of making Knight versus Jimmy for later in the show was typical capitalist management—when workers have a disagreement, make them fight for the entertainment of the masses!

Paige & Brie Bella Retain, But Lyra Valkyria Snaps

The WWE Women's Tag Team Championship match was a masterclass in bourgeois title retention! Paige and Brie Bella defeated Bayley and Lyra Valkyria to keep their championships, with Paige hitting the Ram-Paige for the victory. But the real story came afterward, comrades!

Lyra Valkyria's attack on Bayley was the kind of workers' revolt I love to see, though unfortunately it was misdirected at a fellow worker rather than at the capitalist pig executives who control the means of wrestling production! Lyra threw Bayley neck-first into the ropes, slapped her, and hit the Nightwing before leaving. This betrayal reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi stole my secret recipe for empanadas and claimed he invented them. I have never forgiven him, even in death.

Chad Gable's Apology Falls Flat

Chad Gable's apology to Alpha Academy was perhaps the most heart-wrenching segment of WWE Raw, comrades. He called out Otis, Akira Tozawa, and Maxxine Dupri and admitted to losing his self-respect, reputation, dignity, and friends in pursuit of singles success. This is the kind of self-reflection I engage in every morning while Esteban the capybara judges me silently from his golden bathtub.

But Maxxine Dupri saw through the performance, telling Gable his apology was really for himself. She rejected him on behalf of Alpha Academy, and they left him alone in the ring. It was brutal, comrades! More brutal than the time I apologized to Raúl Castro for "accidentally" conquering one of his vacation properties, and he made me stand in the corner for three hours while he watched telenovelas.

Dragon Lee vs. Ethan Page: Lucha Disrespected

Dragon Lee fought valiantly against Ethan Page, with encouragement from Rey Mysterio and Penta backstage. Rey told Dragon Lee to teach Page respect for lucha libre, which is important, comrades! Respect for traditions and culture must be maintained, just as I maintain respect for the tradition of confiscating yachts from oligarchs who displease me.

Unfortunately, Page used a low blow and hit the Ego Plex to steal the victory. This kind of cheating is exactly what I expect from capitalists, comrades! It reminds me of the time a CIA agent tried to defeat me in chess by hiding my queen while I was distracted by a very attractive Swedish diplomat.

The Vision's Backstage Confidence

Austin Theory, Bron Breakker, and Logan Paul of The Vision spoke backstage before their title defense. Logan Paul claimed to be healing faster than anyone in history, which I find suspicious. The only people who heal that fast are either superhuman or using my personal physician, Dr. Sanchez, who once reattached my arm after a particularly aggressive game of polo with Hugo Chávez.

Breakker's promise to tear Seth Rollins' head off at Night of Champions was the kind of violent rhetoric I appreciate in my political speeches!

IYO SKY and Liv Morgan Face Off

IYO SKY and Liv Morgan's confrontation before the Queen of the Ring Final was delightful, comrades! Liv called herself the greatest women's champion of all time, which is the kind of confidence I display when I declare myself the winner of elections before the polls even open. IYO's springboard dropkick sent Liv out of the ring, which is how I deal with opposition candidates who get too mouthy.

Bloodline Tensions Continue

The backstage segment with Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, and Jacob Fatu continued the delicious family drama! Jacob's statement that he takes orders from Roman Reigns, not Jey, is the kind of power structure clarification that happens in every dictatorship. I once had a similar conversation with my cousin about the chain of command, and he now runs my Ministry of Beach Volleyball.

The mention of Solo Sikoa and waiting for him to cross the line suggests an impending workers' revolution within the Bloodline! Or perhaps a counter-revolution? It is difficult to tell without proper ideological framework, comrades.

Danhausen's Political Ambitions

Danhausen campaigned to become Prime Minister of England, which is admirable! I myself have considered running for various international offices, though the CIA always seems to interfere with my campaign materials. Danhausen's address to the London crowd on WWE Raw was the kind of populist rhetoric that gets people excited, even if his platform seems unclear beyond cursing people and conducting mysterious experiments.

His later interaction with Dominik Mysterio and JD McDonagh was spectacular! Danhausen admitted to taking their money and using it for experiments, which is exactly what I do with foreign aid. McDonagh got electrocuted by Danhausen's machine, and Danhausen disappeared during the chaos. This is the kind of exit strategy I employ when creditors come calling!

Jimmy Uso vs. LA Knight: Complicated Geopolitical Alliances

The match between Jimmy Uso and LA Knight on WWE Raw was physical and entertaining, but the real story was Solo Sikoa's appearance from the crowd! He hit Jimmy with the Samoan Spike, allowing Knight to hit the BFT for the victory and leaving him confused, but you know what they say, the enemy of your enemy's best friend's roommate is… also your enemy? Something like that, anyway.

Whatever the case, his attack on Jimmy was the kind of complicated international incident that occurs when multiple factions claim to represent the same ideological movement! It reminds me of the 1982 Non-Aligned Movement summit I attended with Josip Broz Tito's ghost (long story involving a ouija board and too much rum), where nobody could agree on who was actually in charge. Solo's actions benefited Knight, yes, but it was more about internal Bloodline politics than any alliance with the enemy of his enemy. These are the complex diplomatic situations that lead to proxy wars, comrades!

Judgment Day's Dysfunction

The Judgment Day backstage segment revealed an organization in crisis! Liv Morgan tried to manage the complaints of Raquel Rodriguez, Dominik Mysterio, JD McDonagh, and Roxanne Perez, but it was like herding cats. Or like the time I tried to organize a summit of South American dictators and everyone kept arguing about whose palace was bigger. Liv's dismissal of Roxanne's concerns suggests internal strife that could lead to faction collapse, which is unfortunate because I always root for stable authoritarian power structures!

Seth Rollins' Interview

Seth Rollins' interview with Corey Graves about his Steel Cage Match against Bron Breakker was compelling! Rollins spoke about Angelo Dawkins giving him grace and putting everything on the line. This is the kind of all-or-nothing thinking I employ when planning coups! Rollins' goal of reclaiming the World Title he never lost is admirable—I once reclaimed a title to beachfront property I never technically owned, and it worked out beautifully.

Chad Gable vs. Penta Tease

The backstage segment where Chad Gable mentioned talking with Penta was intriguing! But Dominik Mysterio's interruption and complaint about his missing money led to Gable being booked against JD McDonagh next week. This is the kind of petty political maneuvering I love to see! It reminds me of the time I scheduled my rival's speech during the World Cup final just to ensure nobody would attend.

The Street Profits Win the Tag Titles!

The main event of WWE Raw was magnificent chaos, comrades! The Street Profits defeated The Vision to become the new World Tag Team Champions, but it took an entire revolution to make it happen! The Vision jumped the Profits at the bell, which is the kind of surprise attack the CIA employs against my oil refineries.

Logan Paul tried to interfere, putting Theory's foot on the ropes, but was ejected. This is what happens to foreign interference, comrades! Then Paul returned with brass knuckles, but Joe Hendry chased him off. I appreciate Hendry's commitment to fair play, even if it is naive in the cutthroat world of wrestling.

But the real game-changer was Seth Rollins appearing through the crowd, taking the brass knuckles, and hitting Austin Theory! This is the kind of direct action that gets results, comrades! Breakker chased Rollins away, but the damage was done. Dawkins hit Sky High, Montez Ford followed with the frog splash, and The Street Profits became champions!

This was a beautiful example of the workers seizing the means of championship production! Dawkins and Ford have struggled and persevered, and now they have overthrown the bourgeois champions! It brought a tear to my eye, comrades, much like the time I successfully nationalized the ice cream industry.

Final Thoughts

WWE Raw delivered an excellent show from London today, comrades! New tag team champions, continued Bloodline drama with increasingly complex factional dynamics, and multiple storylines advancing toward Night of Champions made for compelling television. The show demonstrated that when workers unite (like The Street Profits and Seth Rollins), they can overcome even the most dominant forces (The Vision). This is the socialist message I have been trying to convey to the wrestling industry for years!

Now if you will excuse me, Esteban and I have a meeting with the Prime Minister about Danhausen's campaign. I am considering endorsing him, as his platform of cursing opponents aligns well with my foreign policy objectives.

Until next time, comrades, remember: keep fighting the good fight, support your local wrestlers' union, and never trust a man with brass knuckles!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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