Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Roman Reigns Gets His Special Delivery After All

Solo Sikoa was delivered to Roman Reigns as promised, but Reigns got more than he bargained for on WWE Raw last night, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my presidential yacht anchored just outside the territorial waters of Buffalo, New York, where I have been watching WWE Raw while my pet capybara Esteban enjoys a selection of imported cheeses. And let me tell you, comrades, last night's episode of Raw from the KeyBank Center had more backstabbing than the time Fidel Castro and I got into an argument over who makes the better mojito at Kim Jong-un's birthday party!

Stephanie Vaquer Calls Out Liv Morgan

WWE Raw opened with Stephanie Vaquer calling out Women's World Champion Liv Morgan, and naturally, the capitalist pig Morgan brought her entire entourage of Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez because why fight your own battles when you can exploit the labor of others, eh? When Becky Lynch came out to help Vaquer, the two were unable to work together effectively—much like the time I tried to coordinate a coup with Muammar Gaddafi and we spent three hours arguing about proper revolutionary fashion instead of seizing the means of production. The Judgment Day took advantage of this miscommunication and left both women laid out. This is why solidarity is important, comrades!

The Bloodline's Family Reunion

The big story of the night, comrades, was The Bloodline drama that would make even my own family gatherings look functional. Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso spent the evening, as promised, escorting a reluctant Solo Sikoa through the backstage area of WWE Raw like he was a prisoner being delivered to the guillotine during the French Revolution—though with less cake and more Samoan Spikes. They even crossed paths with LA Knight, and Jey had to keep them separated like a referee at a workers' strike.

Je'Von Evans Faces The Judgment Day's Wrath

Je'Von Evans interrupted Dominik Mysterio and JD McDonagh while looking for Big Cass, which led to an impromptu match between Evans and McDonagh. Evans defeated McDonagh with the OG Cutter, showing the kind of fighting spirit that would make Che Guevara proud! But alas, Big Cass attacked Evans after the match, with Dominik Mysterio assisting in a display of bourgeois gang tactics that reminded me of the time the CIA tried to jump me outside a Havana nightclub, except those agents were less coordinated than Cass and Mysterio.

World Heavyweight Championship Tournament Advances

The World Heavyweight Championship No. 1 Contender's Tournament continued with two excellent matches featuring luchadores who understand that high-flying wrestling is the people's wrestling! Rey Fenix defeated El Fiscal with the Mexican Muscle Buster, advancing in the tournament toward a future championship match loss against Roman Reigns when Raw comes to Mexico City.

Later in the evening, Dragon Lee defeated El Hijo de Dr. Wagner Jr. with Operation Dragon, also advancing in the tournament. These Mexican wrestlers are showing the world what happens when you combine athletic excellence with revolutionary spirit in a tournament with the winner getting to be the sacrificial lamb in a title match, comrades!

Tensions Rise Between Vaquer and Lynch

Backstage, Stephanie Vaquer gave an interview to Cathy Kelley where she reminded everyone that it took three members of The Judgment Day to get the better of her—a valid point that demonstrates the cowardice of numerical superiority, much like when seventeen CIA agents once tried to arrest me at a casino in Monte Carlo and still failed. Becky Lynch interrupted, and the two exchanged warnings about becoming each other's problem. Vaquer made it clear she does not need Lynch's help against Roxanne Perez next week. This is the kind of independent spirit I admire, comrades, though perhaps a workers' collective approach would be more effective!

Sol Ruca Continues Her Rise

Sol Ruca defeated Lyra Valkyria with the Sol Snatcher, scoring an important victory after their recent backstage confrontation. This is how you seize opportunities, comrades—much like how I seized control of the national banana export industry!

The Vision and Oba Femi Collision Course

Logan Paul, Austin Theory, Maxxine Dupri, and Bron Breakker gave a backstage interview where Breakker made it clear he would say anything he had to say to Oba Femi to his face. And say it he did, comrades! Breakker called out Femi in the ring, but Paul Heyman came out first with that capitalist lawyer smile of his.

Heyman announced that Bron Breakker vs. Oba Femi will take place at Sunday Night's Main Event, then shook Femi's hand while Breakker looked confused. This is the kind of political maneuvering I have not seen since Idi Amin tried to convince me to invest in his timeshare scheme in Uganda!

Chad Gable Retains With Class

Chad Gable retained the Intercontinental Championship against Rey Mysterio in a match that showed true sportsmanship, comrades. After Mysterio hit two 619s, Gable countered the pin attempt and used a quick pin to retain. But here is where the bourgeois wrestling world surprised me—they showed respect! Mysterio placed the title around Gable's waist, they shook hands and embraced, and Gable raised Mysterio's hand. This is the kind of mutual respect between workers that could form the foundation of a wrestling union!

Roman Reigns Returns and The Bloodline Implodes

And now, comrades, we arrive at the main event angle that had more twists than the time I accidentally switched briefcases with Vladimir Putin and ended up with nuclear launch codes while he got my grocery list. Roman Reigns entered with Jacob Fatu and demanded that The Usos bring him Solo Sikoa. When they did, Reigns berated Solo, reminded him of their past Tribal Combat match, and had Fatu briefly attack him like a loyal enforcer—the kind I wish I had when dealing with rebellious cabinet members.

Reigns then named Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso captains in The Bloodline and placed black garlands on them while Fatu watched from the corner with the expression of someone who has just realized they are on the wrong side of a revolution.

But wait, comrades! LA Knight came out and attacked The Usos, though Fatu cut him off. Roman hit Knight with a Superman Punch, then ordered Solo to attack Knight. Instead, Solo hit Roman with the Samoan Spike in a betrayal that would make Brutus blush! Solo and Knight took out The Usos and Reigns, with Knight hitting Roman with the BFT while Solo spiked Jey. Solo and Knight left together while Fatu stood apart from the fight, and Roman was left shocked on the canvas.

This, comrades, is what happens when you treat your family like expendable resources instead of equal partners in the means of production! Roman Reigns has learned the hard way that loyalty cannot be commanded—it must be earned through solidarity and mutual respect, not tribal hierarchy and authoritarian control.

As I finish this report while Esteban naps contentedly beside me, I cannot help but think that The Bloodline's implosion is a perfect metaphor for the failures of capitalist power structures. When will these wrestlers learn that only through collective bargaining and workers' solidarity can they achieve true success?

Until next time, comrades, remember: ¡Viva WWE Raw! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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