Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE NXT, WWE Raw, wwe smackdown

WWE Raw Review: Tensions Heat Up Before SummerSlam

WWE Raw set the stage for SummerSlam with a heated Lesnar-Oba Femi weigh-in, a title change, a major upset, and a closing confrontation between Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my platinum-plated weigh-in scale (you never know when the CIA might try to add a few pounds to make you look bad on television), and I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE Raw. Let me tell you, this episode had more tension than the time I hosted a peace summit between Kim Jong-un and Dennis Rodman on my private yacht, and Rodman insisted we settle our differences through a dance-off. My pet capybara Esteban and I settled in with some Cuban cigars and premium empanadas to watch WWE Raw, and what a show these capitalist pigs at WWE put together!

Oba Femi and Brock Lesnar Declare War Before Hell in a Cell

WWE Raw opened with Triple H officiating a weigh-in between Oba Femi and Brock Lesnar ahead of their Hell in a Cell match at SummerSlam. Comrades, I know a thing or two about weigh-ins, having once bet Vladimir Putin that I could bench press more than him (I won, but only because I had my guards threaten the judge). These two behemoths looked ready to tear each other apart right there in the ring, and the confrontation nearly turned physical. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with the same machete I use to harvest sugarcane from the fields worked by my loyal subjects who definitely are not underpaid! This Hell in a Cell match promises to be more destructive than the time the CIA accidentally bombed my summer palace thinking it was a weapons facility (it was actually just my home gym). Oba Femi has been on an absolute tear, and facing off against a beast like Lesnar is the kind of main event attraction that makes even this dictator's heart race faster than when the UN calls about "human rights violations."

Bron Breakker & Austin Theory Injure Otis

Bron Breakker and Austin Theory, collectively known as The Vision, defeated Otis and Akira Tozawa in tag team action on WWE Raw. The finish came when Logan Paul's involvement distracted everyone long enough for Theory to counter Tozawa's Senton Bomb attempt. Theory then held Tozawa in place for Breakker's devastating Spear, which looked more painful than the economic sanctions the Americans keep placing on my beautiful island nation! But comrades, the real story came after the match when Maxxine Dupri stopped Otis from exacting revenge with a splash. The Vision then brutalized poor Otis, with Breakker hitting another Spear and Theory slamming Otis' head with a steel chair. This level of workplace violence is unacceptable! These workers must seize the means of production from the bourgeois capitalist pig Triple H and form a wrestlers' collective! Though I must admit, the chair shot was impressive. It reminded me of the time I had to discipline a general who suggested we switch from premium rum to the budget stuff at state dinners.

Je'Von Evans Earns Monumental Win Against Rusev

Je'Von Evans scored a huge victory over Rusev on WWE Raw, and let me tell you, comrades, this was more shocking than when I discovered the CIA had been replacing my cigars with convincing fakes for three months! Evans avoided the Machka Kick (a move I respect, as I have used similar techniques to avoid assassination attempts), countered with a stunner, and followed up with an OG Cutter for the victory. This is exactly the kind of upset that shows why the young workers must rise up against the established order! Evans represents the proletariat, fighting against the veteran Rusev, who has become comfortable with his position in the bourgeoisie. I once told Fidel Castro over mojitos that the youth will always find a way to overcome, and he agreed, though he did make me promise not to let anyone under 40 into my inner circle.

Ryan Garcia and The Judgment Day Ruin Joe Hendry and Danhausen's Concert

Joe Hendry and Danhausen attempted to hold a concert on WWE Raw, but their artistic expression was crushed by Ryan Garcia and The Judgment Day. Comrades, this is the kind of censorship I would expect from the CIA, not from fellow entertainers! Well, actually, I engage in quite a bit of artistic censorship myself, but that's different because I'm the one doing it. The interruption was reminiscent of the time Steven Seagal crashed my birthday karaoke party and insisted on performing a 45-minute acoustic set. At least Judgment Day had the decency to keep their disruption brief. Esteban was particularly disappointed, as he had been enjoying Danhausen's very nice, very evil energy.

According to the announcement made during this segment, Danhausen will face Dominik Mysterio in a Human Monies on a Pole Match, which is the kind of stipulation I appreciate. Nothing wrong with being transparent about financial motivations! I once settled a border dispute with a neighboring country using a "Treasury Bonds on a Pole" match, and it worked beautifully.

Ethan Page Earns Cunning Win Against Rey Mysterio

Ethan Page defeated Rey Mysterio on WWE Raw using tactics that would make even this dictator proud. Page stopped Mysterio's 619 attempt by using the ring apron as a weapon, then hit the Ego-Plex for the victory. This was a rematch after their previous encounter had put Mysterio out of action, and Page proved it was no accident. Comrades, I respect Page's resourcefulness! Using your environment to your advantage is Strategy 101, right after "never trust the CIA" and "always have an escape helicopter fueled and ready." Mysterio is a legend, but sometimes legends must make way for the new generation. It's the circle of life, like when I had to retire my previous capybara, Rodrigo, and promote Esteban to the position of Chief Luxury Pet.

LA Knight, Royce Keys and Solo Sikoa Take Down The Bloodline

In one of the most chaotic segments of WWE Raw, LA Knight, Royce Keys, and Solo Sikoa confronted and took down Jacob Fatu and The Usos. This was more satisfying than the time I convinced Nicolas Maduro that my secret police could beat his secret police in a softball game (we won 12-3, though I may have recruited some professional baseball players as "citizens"). The Bloodline has been a dominant force, much like my regime, but even the mightiest empire faces resistance. This is why I always keep my generals happy with vacation homes and luxury cars. You must reward loyalty, or else your allies will team up against you, just like what happened here on WWE Raw.

Raquel Rodriguez Wins Women's Intercontinental Title

Raquel Rodriguez defeated Sol Ruca to capture the Women's Intercontinental Championship on WWE Raw, and what a contest this was, comrades! Rodriguez powered out of the Sol Snatcher and hit the Tejana Bomb to claim championship gold. The match featured interference from Roxanne Perez and Women's World Champion Liv Morgan on Rodriguez's behalf, while IYO SKY came to support Ruca. Despite SKY's efforts to help the working-class hero Ruca retain her championship, the bourgeois forces of Rodriguez and her corporate allies proved too much. This is exactly what happens when capitalist pigs like the WWE management allow outside interference instead of ensuring fair working conditions for all competitors! Though I must admit, Rodriguez looked dominant, like Esteban when he's commandeered the entire buffet table at a state dinner.

Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins Engage in Fiery Faceoff

WWE Raw concluded with a tense faceoff between World Heavyweight Champion Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins ahead of their SummerSlam title match. The segment built to Rollins delivering a Stomp to Reigns, leaving the champion down to end the show. Comrades, this was more intense than the time I had a staredown with a CIA operative at a United Nations cocktail party, and we both reached for the last crab puff simultaneously (I got it, naturally). Reigns has held that World Heavyweight Championship like I hold onto power—with an iron grip and no intention of letting go. But Rollins just sent a message that he's coming to overthrow the regime. This is the kind of revolution I can appreciate when it's happening to someone else's empire! The Stomp was delivered with the precision of a military coup, and now SummerSlam has a main event that will be more explosive than my Fourth of July fireworks display (which may or may not have included actual military ordinance).

And there you have it, comrades! WWE Raw delivered an action-packed show that has set the table beautifully for SummerSlam. Now if you'll excuse me, Esteban and I have a meeting with my finance minister about why the national budget allocated for "capybara luxury goods" has tripled this quarter. Until next time, remember: always support your local wrestlers' union, never trust the CIA, and may your championship reigns be as long and prosperous as mine! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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