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Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown
WWE SmackDown Review: Cody, Gunther, and Punk Raise the Stakes
On WWE SmackDown, Cody Rhodes confronted Gunther, title stakes escalated, and Tiffany Stratton and Jade Cargill punched tickets to SummerSlam.
Article Summary
- Comrades, WWE SmackDown exploded as Cody Rhodes confronted Gunther and Adam Pearce raised the SummerSlam stakes.
- CM Punk, Sami Zayn, Cody, and Gunther turned WWE SmackDown into glorious anarchy with a wild closing brawl.
- Tiffany Stratton and Jade Cargill seized SummerSlam ladder match spots, redistributing opportunity on WWE SmackDown.
- Finn Bálor, War Raiders, Baron Corbin, and more kept WWE SmackDown moving like a revolution the CIA fears.
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my marble screening room while Esteban lounges on a velvet cushion that once belonged to Emperor Nero (I acquired it in a trade with Silvio Berlusconi). Last night's episode of WWE SmackDown from Albany, New York was more chaotic than the time the CIA tried to poison my coffee during a state dinner, only to discover I exclusively drink aged rum! Let us break down this glorious evening of sports entertainment, comrades!
Adam Pearce Makes WWE Women's Title Announcement
The show opened with Adam Pearce – another middle manager of the bourgeois wrestling establishment – announcing the framework for an Interim WWE Women's Championship Ladder Match at SummerSlam. Comrades, this reminds me of the time I had to appoint an interim Minister of Agriculture while the regular one was "on vacation" (he tried to defect, but that is another story). Pearce announced qualifying matches for tonight's SmackDown, setting up Tiffany Stratton vs. Jacy Jayne and Jade Cargill vs. Nia Jax. The workers must compete for the right to compete! Ah, capitalism at its finest, comrades!
Cody Rhodes Confronts Gunther
Cody Rhodes came to the ring to confront Gunther, and what a confrontation it was! The American Nightmare and The Ring General engaged in a war of words that was more intense than my monthly chess matches with Raúl Castro (he cheats, by the way). But then Adam Pearce – who apparently pulled double duty as both Raw and SmackDown authority figure – dropped a bombshell! If Gunther and Sami Zayn defeat CM Punk and Rhodes at Saturday Night's Main Event, they will be added to the SummerSlam championship match!
Comrades, this is like when I told my rival generals that if they could defeat me in a tactical exercise, they could join my inner circle. Spoiler alert: they did not succeed, and now they run a lovely resort on the northern coast under "voluntary employment." The tension between these four men could power my entire palace's electrical grid!
Finn Bálor vs. Talla Tonga
Finn Bálor continued his quest for revenge against the Tonga family, facing Talla Tonga in singles competition. This reminds me of the blood feud I once had with Manuel Noriega over who had the better military parade uniforms (mine were clearly superior). Despite interference from Tama Tonga behind the referee's back, The Prince prevailed with not one but TWO Coup de Graces!
Comrades, when you must hit your finishing move twice, it shows either tremendous resilience from your opponent or poor cardiovascular training. I once had to give the same victory speech three times because Nicolas Maduro kept falling asleep during our joint press conference. Bálor's persistence paid off, much like my persistence in evading CIA capture for the past four decades!
Baron Corbin Delivers His Mission Statement
Baron Corbin took to the microphone to deliver what WWE described as a "mission statement." Comrades, I have delivered many mission statements in my time – usually while standing on a tank or addressing the United Nations about American imperialism. Corbin's mission statement was brief, but it showed a man with purpose, much like my mission to redistribute wealth from the bourgeoisie to my personal Swiss bank accounts… I mean, to the people! Always to the people!
Tiffany Stratton vs. Jacy Jayne — WWE Women's Title Ladder Match Qualifier
In the first qualifying match for the SummerSlam ladder match, Tiffany Stratton faced Jacy Jayne in what the capitalist pigs at WWE would call a "competitive encounter." Before the match even began, Fatal Influence attacked Stratton, but Paige and Brie Bella made the save! This was more interference than the time Hugo Chávez and I tried to host a quiet dinner party, but Evo Morales, Daniel Ortega, and Rafael Correa all showed up uninvited with their entourages!
Despite the chaos, Stratton prevailed by countering the Rolling Encore and hitting the Prettiest Moonsault Ever. Comrades, I once attempted a moonsault off my presidential podium during a rally, but Esteban wisely advised against it. The capybara knows best!
Blake Monroe Attacks Candice LeRae
Blake Monroe launched a cowardly attack on Candice LeRae from behind, which is the kind of dishonorable tactic I expect from the CIA, not from professional wrestlers! This reminds me of the time an American spy tried to ambush me in my own sauna, not realizing that I always have at least three bodyguards stationed behind the eucalyptus plants. The situation between Monroe and LeRae continues to escalate, much like my ongoing dispute with international banking regulators!
Jade Cargill vs. Nia Jax — WWE Women's Title Ladder Match Qualifier
The second qualifying match featured Jade Cargill against Nia Jax, two powerful women who could probably overthrow a small government if they worked together. Comrades, I once arm-wrestled Michelle Obama at a diplomatic function (she won, but I let her out of respect), and these two remind me of that encounter!
However, Charlotte Flair had other plans, attacking Cargill and causing a disqualification. Flair then attempted to injure Cargill's arm – a classic capitalist tactic of destroying the means of production! Cargill escaped, and then Nia Jax attacked Flair from behind. It was anarchy! Beautiful, glorious chaos! Like the time Fidel Castro and I got into an argument about baseball at Saddam Hussein's birthday party, and Kim Jong-il threw a cake at both of us!
War Raiders vs. Fraxiom
The War Raiders, who hold the AAA Tag Team Championships, faced Fraxiom (Nathan Frazer and Axiom) in non-title action. The Vikings defeated the high-flying duo with their Ragnarok finisher, proving that sometimes brute force triumphs over aerial acrobatics. This is a lesson I learned when trying to evade helicopter surveillance – sometimes you cannot outfly them, so you must outthink them by hiding in a bunker decorated to look like a luxury spa!
Danhausen Prepares for Madison Square Garden
Danhausen, that peculiar curse-enthusiast, prepared for Madison Square Garden in a backstage segment. Comrades, I once tried to curse the CIA using an ancient ritual I learned from a voodoo priest in Haiti (he was at one of my New Year's Eve parties with Papa Doc Duvalier), but all it did was give my Minister of Finance a rash. Still, I appreciate Danhausen's commitment to the mystical arts! Perhaps he can curse the bourgeois ownership of WWE SmackDown and help the workers seize control!
Cody Rhodes vs. Gunther
The main event of SmackDown featured Cody Rhodes squaring off against Gunther in a highly anticipated singles match! These two titans clashed like the time Vladimir Putin and I competed in a vodka-drinking contest (I won by having my drinks secretly replaced with water, but do not tell Vladimir).
However, the match ended in chaos when Sami Zayn attacked CM Punk at ringside, distracting Rhodes and allowing Zayn to send the American Nightmare into the ring post. The referee had no choice but to throw out the match! Then all four men – Punk, Rhodes, Gunther, and Zayn – erupted into a massive brawl to close SmackDown!
Comrades, this is exactly the kind of worker solidarity we need, except they should be fighting together against the capitalist pigs like Triple H and Nick Khan! Instead, they fight amongst themselves while the bourgeoisie counts their money! It is tragic, but also tremendously entertaining! The brawl was more intense than the time Muammar Gaddafi and I got into a disagreement about who had the better military uniform collection, and we settled it with a fashion show judged by Naomi Campbell (I won, naturally).
¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva SmackDown! And remember, comrades, the only ladder worth climbing is the one that leads to seizing the means of production!
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