Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Orton Attacks, New Champs Crowned

WWE SmackDown sees new champions crowned, Randy Orton attacks Cody Rhodes, and CM Punk confronts Kevin Owens in a chaotic night from Boston!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury skybox at the TD Garden in Boston, where I have just finished watching WWE SmackDown while Esteban enjoyed complimentary lobster rolls. You know, comrades, this reminds me of the time I attended a Red Sox game with Fidel Castro and Dennis Rodman, but that is a story for another time. Last night's episode of SmackDown was packed with more drama than a CIA coup attempt, and I am here to break it all down for you!

Nick Aldis Gives Chelsea Green an Ultimatum

WWE SmackDown opened with Nick Aldis addressing the situation surrounding Chelsea Green's Interim WWE Women's Championship. Comrades, the General Manager initially came to strip Green of her title due to her broken orbital bone, which is the kind of injury one might sustain from, say, a disagreement with the secret police. But Green pleaded her case like a worker appealing to the politburo, and Aldis showed mercy! He gave her 30 days to become medically cleared and defend the championship, or she must relinquish it. This is the kind of reasonable labor negotiation we should see more of in capitalist America! Of course, Gunther had to interrupt and complain about Kevin Owens being added to his SummerSlam match, because the Ring General cannot help but insert himself into every situation like the CIA inserting itself into sovereign nations.

Gunther Insults Chelsea Green and Gets Confronted by Matt Cardona

After arguing with Aldis, Gunther decided to insult Chelsea Green, which brought out her husband Matt Cardona to defend her honor. Ah, comrades, true love! This reminds me of when I defended Eva Perón's honor at a state dinner after Silvio Berlusconi made an inappropriate comment. Cardona attacked Gunther, and suddenly we had an impromptu match on our hands! This is the people's revolution in action, comrades—when the workers stand up to the oppressive forces, even if those forces are Austrian!

Gunther vs. Matt Cardona

The match itself was a brutal display of Gunther's dominance, as he defeated Cardona with back-to-back powerbombs and a Boston Crab submission. Comrades, watching Cardona tap out was sadder than watching the bourgeoisie refuse to share the means of production. But what happened next was even worse for the workers of WWE SmackDown!

Nia Jax and Lash Legend Attack Tiffany Stratton

Nia Jax and Lash Legend, known as The Irresistible Forces, came out to confront Chelsea Green after the match. But when Tiffany Stratton tried to help Green, she became the victim of a vicious attack! Jax hit a running leg drop that would make even my most enthusiastic security forces wince. This was clearly designed to soften up Stratton before her Women's United States Championship defense later in the show—a capitalist conspiracy if I ever saw one!

Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss Discover Tatum Paxley's Shrine

In a backstage segment that was more unsettling than finding CIA listening devices in your presidential palace, Charlotte Flair thanked Alexa Bliss for saving her the previous week. Tatum Paxley was also present, and she revealed a strange shrine-like dressing room setup dedicated to Flair and Bliss. Comrades, I have seen many things in my years—propaganda posters, personality cults, state-mandated portraits—but this was creepy even by my standards! The look on Flair and Bliss's faces suggested they were reconsidering their alliance with Paxley faster than I reconsider alliances after a failed assassination attempt.

Cody Rhodes Challenges Sami Zayn After Confrontation

Cody Rhodes approached Nick Aldis backstage asking for a match with Randy Orton, but Sami Zayn interrupted to complain that Rhodes was being handed opportunities. Ah, comrades, this is the classic conflict between the privileged class and the worker who believes in earning his spot! Zayn's frustration was palpable, like a revolutionary watching the corrupt elite distribute favors. Rhodes challenged Zayn to face him that night, with Aldis adding that a victory for Zayn would earn him a title shot. This is what we call in politics a "high-stakes negotiation," though it lacks the drama of negotiating with the United Nations while under economic sanctions.

Baron Corbin Retains United States Championship Over Carmelo Hayes

Baron Corbin defended his United States Championship against Carmelo Hayes in a match that featured more questionable tactics than a rigged election in a banana republic—and comrades, I would know! Corbin knocked Hayes from the top rope to the floor and hit the End of Days for the victory. But the real story came afterward when Trick Williams appeared and Lil Yachty attacked Corbin from behind with a kendo stick! Williams followed with a Trick Shot, and the rapper was once again involved in SmackDown business. This reminds me of when Pitbull helped me escape from a CIA black site in 2015, though that story involves more jet skis and fewer kendo sticks.

Tiffany Stratton Insists She's Ready Despite Attack

Backstage, Chelsea Green checked on Tiffany Stratton after the earlier assault, but Stratton insisted she was fine and would still defend the Women's United States Championship. Comrades, this is the spirit of the proletariat! Never surrender, even when the forces of oppression have left you battered! Of course, wrestling while injured is terrible labor practice and would violate numerous workplace safety regulations in my glorious nation, but I admire her determination nonetheless.

CM Punk and Kevin Owens Exchange Words

CM Punk and Kevin Owens had an intense face-to-face confrontation in the ring ahead of their Undisputed WWE Championship match next week in Toronto. Owens brought up their 20-year history and said he had been waiting to punch Punk, while Punk fired back that Owens had not evolved and promised to put him to sleep. Comrades, this verbal warfare was more heated than my arguments with John Bolton at the UN! The two men have genuine animosity that cannot be faked, much like my genuine animosity toward American imperialism. I am very much looking forward to their championship bout, and I may even watch it from my Toronto timeshare, which I definitely acquired through legitimate means and not by expropriating it from a fleeing oligarch.

Gunther and Finn Balor Argue Backstage

In another backstage confrontation, Gunther and Finn Balor exchanged harsh words in front of Nick Aldis. Gunther called Balor a shadow of his former self—a cruel insult, comrades, like calling a former dictator a mere regional administrator! Balor responded by promising to show Gunther the real Finn Balor, which suggests we may see a future match between these two. I hope Balor brings back the demon persona, as I have always appreciated a good theatrical transformation. It reminds me of when I had to quickly transform from "peaceful democratically-elected leader" to "martial law enthusiast" during the 2019 protests.

The MFTs Win WWE Tag Team Championship

In a three-way tag team match, The MFTs—Tama Tonga and Talla Tonga—defeated champions R-Truth and Damian Priest along with The War Raiders to capture the WWE Tag Team Championship! With Haku watching, the brothers hit the Brother's Keeper on R-Truth for the victory. Comrades, this is what happens when the workers unite and seize the means of production—or in this case, the tag team titles! The MFTs have been working hard to prove themselves, and now they stand atop the tag team division. I celebrated by having Esteban perform a traditional Tongan war dance, though he mostly just rolled around on the palace floor.

Jacy Jayne Wins Women's United States Championship

Jacy Jayne defeated the injured Tiffany Stratton to capture the Women's United States Championship in what was clearly a capitalist exploitation of a wounded worker! Jayne got her knees up on Stratton's Prettiest Moonsault Ever, and after Fallon Henley and Lainey Reid distracted Chelsea Green at ringside, Jayne hit the Rolling Encore for the pin. Fatal Influence celebrated on the stage as new champions, which is the kind of faction unity that reminds me of my own loyal cabinet—before the 2017 purge, of course. Stratton fought valiantly despite her injuries, but sometimes the deck is stacked against the working class, especially when management allows interference!

Jade Cargill, Michin, and B-Fab Issue a Warning

Jade Cargill appeared backstage with Michin and B-Fab to address Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss. They declared that SmackDown was their show and that Flair and Bliss had only given them another victim. Comrades, this kind of territorial declaration is something I can appreciate! When you control territory, you must make it known to all potential threats, much like how I announce my control over disputed islands in the Caribbean to deter American intervention.

Randy Orton Attacks Cody Rhodes

The main event of WWE SmackDown was supposed to be Cody Rhodes versus Sami Zayn, but Randy Orton had other plans! The Viper attacked Rhodes before the match could even begin, and the two brawled throughout the arena and into the crowd. Rhodes fought back and even prevented Orton from using a chair, showing remarkable restraint for someone being ambushed. The show ended with officials pulling the two apart in a chaotic scene that left the scheduled match abandoned. Comrades, this is the kind of revolutionary chaos that makes WWE SmackDown must-see television! It reminds me of the time Vladimir Putin and I got into a disagreement at a state dinner over who had the better intelligence agency—we ended up wrestling in the palace gardens while Steven Seagal served as referee.

Until next time, comrades, remember: seize the means of production, support your local wrestlers' union, and never trust the CIA—or Randy Orton—to show up when they say they will!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva SmackDown!

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