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WWE SmackDown Review: Owens Qualifies as Orton Sinks Cody

WWE SmackDown review, comrades! Owens qualifies for Money in the Bank as Orton sinks Cody, Stratton advances, and Danhausen won't leave. Esteban approves.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a hollowed-out volcano lair with a heated marble floor, where my capybara Esteban is reclining on a silk cushion and demanding a second tray of imported mangoes. I have just survived another night of WWE SmackDown from Ball Arena in Denver, Colorado, and I have the full report on a show packed with Money in the Bank qualifiers, backstage skirmishes, and one very persistent man in face paint. Pour yourself a glass of something expensive and pretend the peasants aren't watching.

Denver Opens the Gates to WWE SmackDown

Michael Cole welcomed us to Denver, and a recap package set up the Money in the Bank qualifying matches from the prior week. Arrival shots followed for Cody Rhodes, Kevin Owens, Johnny Gargano, and Candice LeRae. Comrades, I admire a man who arrives early. The last time I arrived early anywhere, the CIA had already hidden a listening device in my sombrero, and I have never forgiven them.

Triple Threat Chaos in the Women's Qualifier

The first Money in the Bank qualifier pitted Tiffany Stratton against Tatum Paxley and Candice LeRae. Tatum Paxley hit a 450 splash on LeRae and looked to be in control, but Stratton followed with the Prettiest Moonsault Ever onto both opponents and pinned LeRae. That made Stratton the final entrant in the Women's Money in the Bank Ladder Match. It was an efficient piece of opportunism, and I respect it. I once watched my dear friend Kim Jong Un and Vanilla Ice divide a buffet in precisely the same fashion.

Paige Settles the Score With a Slap

Backstage, Cathy Kelley interviewed Chelsea Green in a lodge-themed area that looked like a cabin the CIA would use to plan my overthrow. Chelsea said she was counting on Stratton to win. Nikki Bella then wandered in and told Chelsea not to worry about Money in the Bank, because Nikki planned to win it first. Paige confronted her and challenged her to a match two weeks later in Sacramento, then slapped Nikki across the face. Chelsea approved, telling Nikki the slap was for her too. Comrades, this is what solidarity looks like.

Saints and Raiders Overpower the Opposition

Ricky Saints and The War Raiders defeated Rey Fenix and Fraxiom in a six-man tag team match. Fenix had Ivar down, but Saints made a blind tag and hit Rochambeau on Fenix for the pin. Saints scored the decisive fall, and I suspect a few hundred men in Denver now understand the value of surprise. Any good coup works the same way, comrades. You wait in the shadows, you tag in at the perfect moment, and then you seize the presidential palace.

Cody and Trick Trade Barbs

As WWE SmackDown continued, Kelley also interviewed Cody about his Money in the Bank qualifier, and Trick Williams interrupted. Trick said that if Cody made it to Money in the Bank, Cody's story would be over, because Trick was already qualified. Cody stared him down and replied that it looked like they had already talked about it. The tension is established, and I am pleased. A good rivalry is like a good vintage. It must be left in a cellar and guarded by soldiers.

Priest Embraces the Darkness

Damian Priest addressed his recent actions toward R-Truth in a vignette and said the issue was personal. He promised to show who he really is: a bad and violent man. I have met many bad and violent men, comrades, and most of them were charming at dinner. If Priest wants a reference, I will have my people call his people.

Danhausen Refuses to Be Evicted

Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, and Paxley appeared backstage while Danhausen was escorted out by security in the background. When security turned away, he slipped right back in. Charlotte said there was no more room for losing, gave Paxley a Charlotte Flair hat, and hugged Bliss. Danhausen ended the segment back inside the building. I admire that kind of persistence, as I have escaped three palace coups through a laundry chute.

A Crowded Ring for the Champion

Undisputed WWE Champion Sami Zayn came to the WWE SmackDown ring demanding more respect. Je'Von Evans interrupted and suggested he could win Money in the Bank and cash in on Sami. Penta followed and said he would cash in no matter whether the champion was Sami or Roman Reigns. Trick then entered and mocked Sami while asserting himself as a top name on SmackDown. Sami dismissed the challengers and left, but Finn Bálor met him on the stage, warned him he was coming for the title, and punched him. Gunther then attacked Bálor with a sleeper, struck Sami, and threw both men into ladders on the stage. Gunther stood tall, and the whole situation escalated nicely.

Trick, Je'Von, and Penta were not finished talking trash, either. Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my battles with the CIA, it's that nobody guards a title more fiercely than the man who is about to lose it.

Stratton's Plan and Lash Legend's Warning

Kelley interviewed Stratton after her qualifying win, and Stratton said she intended to become a two-time Miss Money in the Bank. Chelsea joined her to show support. Then Lash Legend entered and declared that she was the powerhouse who would dominate Money in the Bank, win the briefcase, and come for Chelsea's title. Chelsea's confidence quickly turned to concern. I could have told her that in politics, as in wrestling, the person who offers you support is often the person measuring the curtains in your office.

Gunther Teaches Danhausen a Lesson

Kelley asked Gunther about attacking Sami, and Danhausen appeared with an "Evil Detector." Gunther threw the device away, shoved Danhausen into a wall, and tossed him into boxes. Commentary told Danhausen to take the hint. Comrades, Danhausen has more courage than most of my generals, and I have not seen him take a hint yet.

Monroe Wins Her Debut

Blake Monroe defeated Giulia in Monroe's SmackDown in-ring debut. Monroe knocked Giulia off the top rope, sending Giulia face-first into the ring post, and then pinned her. A winning debut against a rival is the kind of start I wish I had enjoyed at my own inauguration, instead of a mango thrown at my head by an unhappy cabinet minister.

Another WWE SmackDown exclusive video shows Giulia ruthlessly attacking Monroe, so this feud is clearly not over.

Royce Key, The Bloodline, and Gargano's Pep Talk

A recap aired covering the latest angle involving Royce Key and his crew with The Bloodline, and then the show returned to the Money in the Bank qualifying story. Backstage, Gargano told LeRae the night was not lost, because he still had a chance in the main event qualifier. Sami walked up and said Nick Aldis had warned him there would be major consequences if he got involved. Sami told Gargano he could still win on his own, and Gargano fired himself up. This is the sort of mutual aid I want to see from every worker, comrades.

Owens Wins a Main Event Full of Interference

Owens entered first for the men's qualifier, and commentary framed it as an emotional week for him and stressed that fighting was what he does best. In the triple threat that followed, Cody hit Cross Rhodes on Owens and appeared to have the win, but Randy Orton pulled the referee out of the ring. Cody fought Orton at ringside. Gargano later hit One Final Beat on Owens, but Owens kicked out. Owens then hit a Pop-up Powerbomb on Gargano, and Orton held Cody back from breaking up the pin. Owens qualified for the Men's Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and Orton ran up the steps after costing Cody the match yet again. That is good old-fashioned sabotage, the kind I would expect from the CIA or a rival cabinet minister.

More SmackDown Exclusives

A few more SmackDown exclusive videos are worth your time, comrades. In one, The MFTs warn Bakusai.

In another, The War Raiders announce they are coming for The MFTs.

And Fatal Influence vow to take all the gold, a sentiment I support as long as the gold is redistributed to the people.

That is my report from the volcano, comrades. The Money in the Bank field is nearly set, and the capitalist pigs in the front office, Triple H and Nick Khan among them, are surely counting their profits. Esteban and I will be watching with our feet in the lava-warmed pool. Viva la revolución, and may your briefcases always be heavy with the means of production!

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