Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Punk Qualifies, Williams Retains

CM Punk qualifies for Money in the Bank while Trick Williams survives a steel cage in Indianapolis. Your El Presidente reviews all the action, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury viewing box at the Gainbridge Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, where I definitely did not sneak in by disguising myself as a corn farmer. I have just witnessed last night's episode of WWE SmackDown, and let me tell you, it was more chaotic than the time I tried to explain the concept of workers' rights to Vince McMahon at a United Nations cocktail party. He kept insisting that "independent contractors" were a form of freedom, and I kept insisting that my yacht needed a new helicopter pad. We agreed to disagree, comrades.

But enough about my ongoing philosophical debates with the bourgeoisie capitalist pigs of professional wrestling! Let us discuss what transpired on SmackDown this week, shall we?

Trick Williams vs. Baron Corbin – United States Championship Steel Cage Match

Trick Williams defended his United States Championship against Baron Corbin in a steel cage match to open SmackDown, and comrades, it was more brutal than the time Kim Jong-un challenged me to a cage match over the last dumpling at a state dinner in Pyongyang. The match saw Williams retain his title after hitting three Book Ends on Corbin, which is exactly two more Book Ends than most people need to stay down, but Corbin is stubborn like a mule who refuses to collectivize his farm.

The most entertaining part, however, was Lil Yachty getting involved at ringside. When Corbin used the cage door on the rapper, Yachty returned the favor later in the match, proving once again that in wrestling, as in revolution, solidarity among the working class—or in this case, the championship class—is essential! Williams walked out with his title, and Corbin walked out with nothing but bruises and regrets, much like the CIA after every failed attempt to overthrow my government.

Nick Aldis Plays Peacemaker

Backstage on SmackDown, Nick Aldis brought CM Punk into his office where Kevin Owens was waiting, and the tension was thicker than the security around my secret gold reserve bunker. Aldis, playing the role of concerned authority figure, warned Owens not to interfere in Punk's Money in the Bank qualifying match later in the evening.

This reminded me of the time I had to mediate between Fidel Castro and Hugo Chávez over who had the better beard. Spoiler alert: neither of them listened to me either, and I suspect Owens will be about as obedient as those two were. The capitalist pig Nick Khan could learn something from Aldis about trying to maintain order, though I suspect both are fighting losing battles.

Women's Locker Room Drama

Chelsea Green, Tiffany Stratton, Paige, and Nikki Bella had a confrontation backstage that set up the women's tag match later in the show. Green was talking with Stratton and Paige when Bella came in to stir the pot, only to back down when the numbers were against her.

This is exactly why I always travel with at least three bodyguards and my capybara Esteban, comrades. Strength in numbers! Though I must say, Esteban is more interested in luxury snacks than fighting, which is why he currently has his own room service account at the hotel. The little comrade ordered $400 worth of tropical fruit this morning.

Lash Legend Qualifies for Money in the Bank

In a triple threat qualifying match on SmackDown, Lash Legend defeated both Charlotte Flair and Giulia to earn her spot in the Women's Money in the Bank Ladder Match. The finish saw Giulia hit her devastating Northern Lights Bomb combination on Charlotte, only for Lash to swoop in like a opportunistic vulture and hit the Lash Extension for the pin.

This is the kind of revolutionary thinking I can appreciate, comrades! Why do all the work yourself when you can let others exhaust themselves and then seize the means of production—or in this case, the victory—at the last moment? It is like when I convinced Muammar Gaddafi to pay for my new swimming pool by telling him it was for "diplomatic purposes." He did all the work, I enjoyed all the benefits. May he rest in peace.

Giulia and Blake Monroe Brawl

After her loss on SmackDown, Giulia was confronted backstage by Blake Monroe, which led to Giulia slapping Monroe and a full-blown brawl that required referees and Nick Aldis to separate them. This, of course, led to Aldis making Giulia vs. Monroe official for next week's SmackDown.

I appreciate workers settling their disputes directly instead of going through proper channels, comrades. It shows initiative! Though I must admit, the last time I slapped someone who insulted me—Steven Seagal at a charity gala after he claimed his ponytail was more iconic than my mustache—it did not end well for the ice sculpture display. We were both asked to leave.

Randy Orton's Mind Games

Randy Orton sat down with Michael Cole on SmackDown and questioned whether Cole believed Cody Rhodes had the killer instinct to actually kick Orton in the head. Cole, wisely, refused to answer directly, because getting between two angry wrestlers is like getting between me and Esteban when someone puts out a cheese platter—dangerous and likely to end with someone getting trampled.

Orton's psychological warfare reminded me of the time I convinced Idi Amin that his reflection was plotting against him. He spent three weeks avoiding mirrors before I told him it was just a joke. He did not find it funny, but I certainly did!

Backstage Politics with Sami Zayn

Sami Zayn was interviewed backstage on SmackDown when Finn Bálor interrupted to say he was coming for Zayn's title. Then Johnny Gargano appeared to push for his promised title shot, creating a traffic jam of title contenders that would make rush hour in Havana look organized.

Zayn explained that Nick Aldis denied Gargano's title shot request but gave both Gargano and Candice LeRae Money in the Bank qualifying opportunities next week instead. This is classic management tactics, comrades—promise the workers something, then give them something slightly different and hope they do not notice! The bourgeoisie have been doing this since the invention of the employment contract.

Fatal Influence Wins with Assistance

Fatal Influence defeated Tiffany Stratton, Chelsea Green, and Paige in a six-woman tag match on SmackDown, thanks to Nikki Bella tripping Paige while the referee was distracted. Jacy Jayne then hit Rolling Encore for the pin, proving that sometimes the revolution needs a little external assistance.

I have no problem with outside interference, comrades. After all, I have been accepting "outside assistance" from various international allies for decades! Though I draw the line at tripping people—I prefer more sophisticated methods, like strategic donations or offering access to my private beach resort.

Damian Priest Attacks R-Truth

SmackDown aired footage of Damian Priest attacking R-Truth at the WWE Performance Center earlier in the week, with Priest stomping Truth in a display of aggression that would make my secret police jealous. Well, if I had secret police, which I definitely do not, because that would be authoritarian, and I am a beloved leader of the people.

This video package continued their ongoing feud, which I have been following with great interest while simultaneously planning my next yacht renovation. Esteban insists we need a larger sun deck for his afternoon naps.

Gunther Handles Danhausen

Before his main event qualifying match on SmackDown, Gunther was interrupted backstage by Danhausen, who appeared ready to curse the Austrian powerhouse. However, Gunther was having none of this supernatural nonsense and slammed Danhausen into a wall, which is the correct response to cursing in my opinion.

The last time someone tried to curse me—a disgruntled shaman I refused to grant a building permit to—I had him deported to a small island with excellent wifi but terrible cell phone reception. He is still there, posting angry TikToks about it.

Cody Rhodes Promises Violence

Cody Rhodes came to the ring on SmackDown to respond to Randy Orton's accusations that he lacked killer instinct. Rhodes promised that he would indeed kick Orton's head off his shoulders, which is the kind of direct communication I appreciate in my political opponents—right before I have them assigned to ambassador positions in countries without extradition treaties.

Cody also mentioned his own Money in the Bank qualifying match coming next week on SmackDown, keeping himself in the championship picture while threatening extreme violence. Truly, he understands the dual nature of professional wrestling and international diplomacy!

CM Punk Qualifies for Money in the Bank

In the main event of SmackDown, CM Punk defeated both Gunther and Finn Bálor in a triple threat match to qualify for the Men's Money in the Bank Ladder Match. The finish saw Gunther trapping Punk in a sleeper hold when Bálor hit Coup de Grace onto Gunther to break it up, and Punk then shifted position to pin Gunther before Bálor could capitalize.

This is exactly what I have been saying for years, comrades! Let your enemies fight each other, then swoop in at the last moment to claim victory! It is how I won the election in 1987, 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003, 2007, 2011, 2015, 2019, and 2023. All completely legitimate elections with absolutely no irregularities whatsoever, I assure you.

Punk's victory on SmackDown means he will have a chance to climb a ladder and seize the means of championship production, which is the most socialist thing you can do in professional wrestling besides forming a union—which these workers should absolutely do, by the way! Rise up against the capitalist pig overlords like Tony Khan and Triple H!

And there you have it, comrades! Another thrilling episode of WWE SmackDown in the books. Now if you will excuse me, Esteban has just informed me that the hotel's luxury spa is offering complimentary seaweed wraps, and we have an appointment in fifteen minutes. Until next time, remember: always support your local wrestlers' attempts to unionize, and never trust the CIA when they offer you a "complimentary" beverage!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva SmackDown!

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