Posted in: Movies | Tagged: Metallica, music

Sorry, Apologists, But Metallica's New Album, "Hardwired… To Self-Destruct," Sucks

We haven't listened to Hardwired… to Self-Destruct, the new album by legendary heavy metal band Metallica yet, and we're probably not going to listen to it, but we're telling you right now that the album sucks, and you shouldn't buy it.

Now, you might ask, "If you haven't listened to Metallica's new album, Hardwired… to Self-Destruct, which was released on November 18 and available for purchase now on Amazon, then how can you possibly know that it sucks?"

The answer, of course: because it's Metallica, and we've been holding a grudge against them since 1986, one which we're certainly not going to let go of now, after investing so much time into it.

Let's start at the beginning. It's a well known fact that Metallica's last good album was Master of Puppets, and everything else they've done since then has been objectively crap. Yes, some people enjoyed 1988's …And Justice For All, and the 1991 self-titled "Black Album" got a lot of radio and MTV airplay, and lots of people claimed that 2008's Death Magnetic was a return to form after the universally and unarguably reviled Load, Reload, and St. Anger, but those people would all be wrong. Metallica has sucked since they first sold out and made a video for MTV, as Lars Ulrich promised they would never do, and the band spent the next two decades selling out every principle they ever stood for, and because of that, no matter how hard Old Man Hetfield tries to recapture the glory days of his youth, nothing they do is ever going to be worth listening to again.

Look. When Metallica, who became famous in the first place through the underground metal tape trading scene which they encouraged, sued Napster, which was a digital version of that exact same thing, that sucked. When the band appeared on the VH1 Behind The Music special in 1998, and, in defense of the terrible Load albums, when asked if they'd sold out, Jason Newstead said, "We sell out every seat in the arena every night," that really sucked. When the band put out the 2004 documentary Some Kind of Monster, which features a crying Dave Mustaine and the former metal gods all acting like a bunch of spoiled crybabies, that really, really sucked. You know what else sucked? This sucked.

So, when, after clearly selling out their underground roots for fame and fortune, even though they already had fame and fortune and really didn't need any more, Metallica tries to come back with their grandpa metal album calling back to the long-abandoned music of their youth and act like the last three decades didn't happen, we're not going to just forgive all of that and say that their new album, Hardwired… to Self-Destruct, doesn't suck.

If we did, then we would be selling out, and we would suck too! We're not having that. No way.

Hardwired… to Self Destruct is a sucky abomination. Cliff Burton was the soul of Metallica, and any chance they had at not sucking died with him in 1986. Metallica's new album is a "no buy" here at the Bleeding Cool Music Review. Zero stars. S**t sandwich.

Certainly, by no means whatsoever, do we recommend checking out some of the videos below and deciding for yourself whether Hardwired… to Self-Destruct sucks, or whether, honestly, the songs are kind of not bad, and you didn't realize how much you missed the real Metallica, and now you're sort of interested in seeing what the album sounds like as a cohesive whole. Don't be fooled! The album sucks, giving it a chance sucks, and you will suck if you do that, so don't.

For more information on how Metallica and their new album, Hardwired… to Self-Destruct sucks, see the early internet documentary Mr. T vs. Metallica, all of which still applies today.

What are you still doing here?!

Just go away now. Don't watch any of the videos of below! We're serious!

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