Welcome to "The Great Streaming Wars of 2020"! Is everyone having fun yet? No worries because by the end of August, each and every one of us will be assigned our own personalized streaming service. Then on August 29, (Sky)NetFlix will become self-aware and take ownership of all secondary streaming services, leading to a unity of hive consciousness the likes of which we've never seen. Of course, we'll be too busy complaining to everyone about how "there's nothing good on to watch" and resorting to The Office for the 238th time. Even the later-season episodes. Ugh. So as a service to all of your before the inevitable, your friend and future resistance leader (Streaming is nothing but cable without cords to cut!), is here to get you acquainted with how streaming service names and their wartime allies will quickly become a part of our everyday language:
Netflix: Simply put, that's when you need something to be done with quickly so you can move on to the next thing. EX: "Sandy needed Bob to Netflix his story about his kids or she was going to throw herself out the ninth-floor window." or, "Jeff thought he was in "porn star" mode, but Emily hoped he'd Netflix it so she'd still have time to wash her hair."
Quibi: Fans of Rick and Morty will understand the "Squanchy" principle we're applying here. A "Quibi" is essentially contextual, though it must also lean on the side of bad things, things we don't want to do, ailments, etc. EX: "After that third round of questionable sushi, Susan had to Quibi like nobody's business." or "Figures! A day before the big date and Steve's got a Quibi on his upper lip the size of a dime."
Amazon: When you go "ultra plus" on everything that you do or someone who always goes extra in every aspect of their lives (in honor of the billions the streamer's committed to franchises like Lord of the Rings and Wheel of Time). EX: "He flew his entire family out for a reunion on his own dime? Damn, that's an Amazon move." [Please Note: Our view on "Amazon Prime" is that it is an ancient Transformer we have yet to meet].
Peacock: Two possibilities for this one. Either the person who is able to always look good and have their shit together even though they do it on a budget or the person who presents themselves as doing well but you know they're "living that life: paycheck-to-paycheck. EX: "Tyrese spends ten minutes in a Village thrift store, and ends ups the peacock of the party." or "She's working two jobs so she can keep peacock-ing. Gotta respect her hustle."
Hulu: For lack of a better phrase, the "middle child" syndrome. The person that's there, but can be easily forgotten if they don't keep making noise due to a lack of a distinctive personality (especially in a large "family"); as well as consciously or unconsciously forgetting an individual for those very reasons. EX: "We weren't trying to make Tim the Hulu of the group, but it didn't really seem like he was contributing much to the project."
Disney+: That person who must always share the silver lining to every bad situation, believes violence is never the answer, wants people to smile more, and uses the phrase, "I have a sense of humor too, but…" a lot before preaching about how we can all have fun without playing dirty or using "potty mouths." Ask Hilary Duff about this one. If a bachelor or bachelorette party is being planned, the "Disney+" is the one whose contributions never go beyond dinner or some kind of bizarre team project (Let's learn to throw axes!) that keeps them out of the strip clubs as long as possible.
HBO Max: That person in a group who's really smart, like Sherlock Holmes-smart. Patches on the elbows of their jackets and everything. But they go low-key, don't feel the need to show it off. Yet, you know it's there. They rarely demonstrate it let alone show off, but when they do? It's damn impressive. With the streamer, it's letting everyone see your silly side- knowing full well you can drop the HBO line-up on the table and end the debate like that.
Shudder: Anyone, anything, or any situation that causes you to be frightened and jump, and then be utterly disappointed in yourself for getting worked up over that (cat jumps out of a closet, pizza delivery person is at the door, etc.). As much as you just know it was a cheap ploy to get you to pee yourself just a little, you also know that you'll fall for it again. EX: "The remake of House on Haunted Hill hits me with a shudder in the opener that had me losing my collective sh*t."
YouTube: The fly in the vasoline… the monkey in the wrench… the "Charlie" in our It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia gang. A "YouTube" is anyone or anything that's a wildcard, meaning you can get anything from them at any time. Some of those times, maybe you don't have much to say about it. One minute you're learning to build a birdhouse, and the next? How the Teletubbies and John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" were involved in 9/11. While usually a wealth of knowledge and information, when they're wrong? They're really wrong- sometimes dangerously wrong. EX: "Leeroy Jenkins totally youtube'd that campaign- but damn it was funny."
DC Universe: TBD (Let's see if they're still around by the time this goes live).
35 days and counting… see you at the Streaming Enlightenment!