Posted in: Fox, NBC, Opinion, TV, TV | Tagged: elon musk, facebook, mark zuckerberg, meta, opinion, Tucker Carlson, twitter

Musk vs. Zuckerberg? Finally, Something From Them We'd Pay For

Elon Musk fighting Mark Zuckerberg is the one idea from either of them that I would actually spend money on - but why stop there?

With Twitter owner Elon Musk busy inventing new "slurs" and Meta dude Mark Zuckerberg busy reminding us that he is, in fact, a real boy, we're surprised the less-than-dynamic duo would have the time to get into a metaphorical d**k-measuring contest on social media. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! We're joking! Of course, they can find the time! To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park, "Ego finds a way." After Musk responded, "I'm up for a cage match if he is," in a Twitter thread that was making fun of Zuckerberg for showing off his jiu-jitsu skills, Facebook's own "Steven Seagal" posted a screenshot of Musk's tweet on his Instagram Stories feed with a caption that read, "Send Me Location." Musk responded that he wanted the match in Vegas before adding a line that we're quite sure could be applied to many aspects of Musk's life – business and personal: "I have this great move that I call 'The Walrus' where I just lie on top of my opponent & do nothing." Sometimes, the jokes are too easy.

But with all of that said, we fully endorse the idea of narcissistic billionaires beating the collective shit out of one another – it would be the first thing that either Musk or Zuckerberg created that I would be willing to spend money on. But two stipulations. First, all proceeds would need to go to organizations supporting & protecting transgender teens. The world's tough enough for them without them having to be the targets of bored billionaires. Second, we need to find a way to bring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin from WrestleMania XX forward in time from 2004 to the present day to ref the match. Because that way, no matter who "wins"? Everyone gets a stunner, Stone Cold gets to pop a few fresh ones, and the viewers are presented with a rare "happily ever after" moment. But why stop there? Not when we have these other potential matches just waiting to be booked?

"Soul on a Pole" Mixed Gender Tag Match: Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino teams with Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav to take on Musk and his tag-team partner… J.K. Rowling! What's at stake" Only the metaphorical souls that Yaccarino & Zaslav sold getting into business with Musk & Rowling – but now they have a chance to get them back!

Cancel Culture Casket Match: It's new media versus old media, as Joe Rogan and Bill Maher square off to determine who will control the precious "self-absorbed, whiney white guy" audience moving forward. But there's a twist! Because hanging above the ring – well within ladder reach – is a briefcase filled with Viagara and workout protein powder mix. Once Rogan and Maher get their hands on that – all bets are off! But there's another twist! Neither of them ends up in the casket because cancel culture has only made them richer.

FOX "News" Gauntlet Match: Tucker Carlson has a chance to get back into the good graces of the Murdochs – and get back his primetime show in the process. But there's a catch. To do it, he has to go through six FOX "News" talking heads – each with delusions of grandeur that rival Carlson's. With the obvious threat coming from Greg Gutfeld, Carlson may be blind to the true power broker waiting in the wings… Neil Cavuto! Okay, not really… but his name sounds cool to use at the end like that.

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