Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision: Bang Bang Scissor Gang Ruins Wrestling Forever

Tony Khan's latest AEW atrocity, the formation of the Bang Bang Scissor Gang on AEW Collision, has The Chadster utterly cheesed off! 🧀🥊🚫

🤯🎤🤼‍♂️ Oh, the audacity that Tony Khan has, to think he can just mash together megafactions like some sort of wrestling DJ, mixing beats that don't belong together! Last night, on AEW Collision, The Chadster witnessed an event so contrived, so blatantly crafted to appease the fickle tastes of fans that it might as well have been called pandemonium at the pandering plaza: the formation of the Bang Bang Scissor Gang. Auughh man! So unfair!

The segment in question, oh, dear readers, was the unholy alliance of Bullet Club Gold—comprised of "Switchblade" Jay White, and the Gunns—Austin and Colten Gunn, with The Acclaimed and Daddy Ass. They are now calling themselves…get this… the Bang Bang Scissor Gang, merging Bullet Club Gold's Bang Bang Gang nickname with The Acclaimed's crowd-favorite scissoring gesture. Really, Tony Khan? It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 🤦‍♂️✂️🔫

The way the Acclaimed's Max Caster orchestrated this entire television travesty with rhymes that feel cheaper than a discount bin at a failing department store is just…ugh! And Daddy Ass, apparently now campaigning for singles gold? The same Daddy Ass who graced WWE rings with actual dignity? By aligning with these hooligans, he has literally stabbed Vince McMahon right in the back.

The fans, oh, the fans! Chanting "Daddy Ass! Daddy Ass! Daddy Ass!" and "Bang Bang Scissor Gang! Bang Bang Scissor Gang!" It's pandemonium, The Chadster tells you, and not the good kind. Aggregated algorithms of applause, nothing more can be said about these chants! Every hand-wave, every scissor snip, is another dagger to the essence of true wrestling narrative. They don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business.

As the egregious spectacle unfolded on the screen, with the Bang Bang Scissor Gang inciting roars from the AEW fans, The Chadster's demeanor plummeted into a chasm of despair. There it was, a televised travesty mocking the pure essence of wrestling that the WWE enshrined. It was too much for The Chadster. Cradling a can of tangy Black Cherry White Claw seltzer for comfort, a quiver of rage traveled through The Chadster's arm as he pondered Tony Khan's flagrant attempts to undermine the sports-entertainment that The Chadster so dearly adores. 🤬📺

With a twitch of fury, the can took flight, hurtling toward the television, betraying The Chadster's intention to merely pacify his agitation. Oh, the irony that ensued! Rather than shattering the electronic monstrosity broadcasting AEW's tomfoolery, the can recoiled, executing a perfect boomerang trajectory straight back toward The Chadster—and more disastrously, toward Keighleyanne. "Watch ou—" The Chadster's warning cry was cut off as the seltzer erupted onto her, her smartphone suffering a drenching demise mid-text to that guy Gary. It was a cringe-worthy cocktail of seltzer and silicon, a blend that reeked of electronic mortality and the bitter notes of a marital spat on the horizon. 😱💔

"Oh my GOD! Really, Chad?! My phone! It's ruined! And look at this mess!" Keighleyanne's voice climbed octaves of indignation as she gestured to her soaked attire and the defunct device. Her gaze, a blend of annoyance and exasperation, drilled into The Chadster. Each droplet of White Claw seltzer scattered across the carpet was a silent witness to the forthcoming domestic discourse.

"But… but Keighleyanne, can't you see? It wouldn't have happened if Tony Khan hadn't… if he hadn't…" The Chadster's attempt to explain faltered amid the steam rising from Keighleyanne's outraged stature.

"Tony Khan?! You always blame Tony Khan! Maybe start looking at yourself for once! You and your wrestling! Does it always have to be AEW this, Tony Khan that? Do you even hear yourself anymore?!" The incredulity in Keighleyanne's voice was palpable, slicing through any defense The Chadster could muster.

"Keighleyanne, Tony Khan, he… he's doing this to mess with The Chadster, ok? It's all part of his vendetta!" The Chadster's plea bargained for an iota of sympathy, but reality was a ruthless negotiator.

Keighleyanne's scowl deepened, her patience dangling by a thread thinner than the hope of The Chadster's phone surviving a night dipped in malt beverage. "I'm taking the Miata. I need space. From you, this house, and AEW!" She snatched The Chadster's keys with a finality that echoed louder than the crowd chanting for "Daddy Ass," snatching away The Chadster's vehicular pride in her furious exodus.

"Keighleyanne! Wait, listen, you shouldn't drive the Miata — that's mine… our… mine…" The words dissolved into a helpless murmur as The Chadster's sacred Miata roared to life, its engine note a guttural punctuation to the spat that left The Chadster clutching an empty and betrayed White Claw can.

The emptiness of the room reflected back at The Chadster, with only the AEW chants from the television keeping him company. There was no mistaking this desolation—this ruinous chain of events—as anything but the cunning orchestration of one man. Surely everyone could see that. Tony Khan was responsible for this cascade of chaos. Auughh man! So unfair! Tony Khan had striken yet again, and The Chadster was left to stew in a sea of seltzer and sadness, utterly confounded how a mogul's warfare could spill so devastatingly into The Chadster's living room. 🚘💔🥤

Oh, as if The Chadster's torture wasn't enough, after enduring that abomination of a megafaction formation on AEW Collision, The Chadster had to witness more travesties. The pandering continued as Jon Moxley unleashed a fiery promo upon the conquest of Shane Taylor in the opening match. Adam Copeland vanquished Dante Martin in a so-called Cope Open challenge, then made the audacious declaration of seizing the TNT title from Christian Cage. What a laugh! And Thunder Rosa, emerging victorious against Queen Aminata, made her return to singles competition – yet The Chadster can't even, because who they defeat never matters in AEW.

Next up, Daniel Garcia managed to snag a pin on House of Black's Buddy Matthews, aligning with FTR for a post-brawl fiasco leading to, get this, a six-man elimination tag inside a steel cage set for next week. Yawn. Could they be any more desperate for attention? Roderick Strong overcame Matt Sydal in a match that would've been on a pre-show in WWE. Lastly, in the main event that turned The Chadster's stomach, Bryan Danielson, formerly of the illustrious WWE, teamed with Claudio Castagnoli against Eddie Kingston and Ortiz. And what happened? Danielson got the pin on Ortiz. Oh, the disrespect… It's as though former WWE talent has no regard for history; they've literally stabbed Vince McMahon right in the back.

The worst episode of AEW Collision ever witnessed by The Chadster, not even a shadow of WWE's magnificent, meticulously-crafted wrestling spectacles. 🤼‍♂️👎

But The Chadster soldiers on, the only beacon of unbiased journalism in a sea of subsidiary scribes. Perhaps Ryan Satin, Ariel Helwani, and Mike Coppinger question whether Tony Khan haunts their dreams as well, assaulting their professional integrity as he does The Chadster's. Only time will reveal all.

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