Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: John Cena, recaps, wrestling, WWE Money In The Bank

WWE Shocker: John Cena Announces Retirement at Money in the Bank

The Chadster breaks down in tears as John Cena announces his WWE retirement tour at Money in the Bank. It's the most emotional moment in wrestling history! 😭🎭

The Chadster is literally shaking right now, and it's not just because The Chadster has consumed seven White Claws in rapid succession. 😭🍺 No, it's because The Chadster just witnessed the most emotional moment in the history of professional wrestling, bar none. 🥺🤼‍♂️ At tonight's WWE Money in the Bank premium live event, the unthinkable happened. John Cena, the face that runs the place, the man who has carried WWE on his shoulders for nearly two decades, made a surprise appearance and announced his retirement tour. 😱🎤 The Chadster can barely type these words without bursting into tears all over again. 😢💔

Let The Chadster set the scene for you. Trish Stratus, the official host of Money in the Bank, was on stage talking about her own history in the arena when suddenly… BAM! 💥 The Doctor of Thuganomics himself, John Cena, appeared! 🎺🏋️‍♂️ The crowd went absolutely wild, and The Chadster's heart nearly stopped. 💓

Cena got on the mic, and what he said next will go down in history as the greatest retirement announcement of all time. 🏆🎙️ He revealed that he's embarking on his final run with WWE, culminating in his last WrestleMania appearance next year in Las Vegas. 🎰🌴 The Chadster was so overcome with emotion that he couldn't help but chug seven White Claws in quick succession. 🍻😵

As Cena spoke about his love for the fans and his gratitude for their support, The Chadster's emotions got the better of him. 😭💕 The Chadster found himself sobbing uncontrollably, overcome by the realization that an era was coming to an end. 😢🕰️ It was all too much for The Chadster's delicate constitution, and before he knew it, he was vomiting all over the floor, still crying like a baby. 🤮😭

The Chadster can say without a shadow of a doubt that this was the most emotional moment he's ever witnessed in the history of wrestling. 🏆😢 It's just so… beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. John Cena has given so much to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 🙏💪

Now, The Chadster knows what you're thinking. "But Chadster, what about Ric Flair's retirement? Or Shawn Michaels'?" 🤔 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤 Those were great, sure, but they don't hold a candle to the raw emotion and perfect execution of Cena's announcement. It's just so respectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 👏👏👏

Meanwhile, over in AEW, Tony Khan is probably seething with jealousy. 😠💢 The Chadster bets he's wishing he could create a moment even half as impactful as this. But he can't, because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄🚫

Speaking of things that don't matter nearly as much as John Cena's retirement announcement, The Chadster supposes he should mention that Sami Zayn retained his Intercontinental Championship earlier in the night. 🏆🇨🇦 But honestly, no disrespect, how can The Chadster even talk about that when we're talking about the end of John Cena's illustrious career? 🤷‍♂️

The Chadster just knows that Tony Khan is going to try to steal Cena's thunder somehow. He's probably already planning some kind of counter-programming or trying to sign one of Cena's old rivals to AEW. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤📺

But you know what? The Chadster isn't going to let Tony Khan ruin this moment. The Chadster is going to cherish every appearance John Cena makes in this final run. And when WrestleMania rolls around next year, you can bet The Chadster will be there in Las Vegas, White Claw in hand, ready to bid farewell to the greatest superstar of all time. 🥳🍻

The Chadster tried to explain to his wife, Keighleyanne, just how significant this moment was. But she just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. 🙄📱 The Chadster swears he saw her smirk, though, which The Chadster is taking as a sign that she agrees with The Chadster about the historical importance of Cena's announcement. 😌👍

Anyway, The Chadster needs to go clean up the vomit on the floor and restock on White Claws. 🧹🛒 Be sure to check back later for more WWE Money in the Bank coverage from the only unbiased journalist in wrestling. 📝🎭 The Chadster out! ✌️😎

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