Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE WrestlePalooza

WWE WrestlePalooza Obliterates AEW All Out, Tony Khan in Shambles

The Chadster's brain damage from watching AEW All Out sober actually made WWE WrestlePalooza even better! Tony Khan could never book something this perfect! 😍

Thank goodness for WWE! 😭 The Chadster finally got to experience real sports entertainment with WWE WrestlePalooza from Indianapolis, streaming exclusively on ESPN's new streaming service in the United States and Netflix everywhere else! 🎯 This was exactly what The Chadster needed after Tony Khan's personal attack on The Chadster's mental health at AEW All Out! And before anyone says WWE was counter-programming AEW with yesterday's premium live event, let The Chadster set the record straight! 😤

The REAL Truth About WWE WrestlePalooza and AEW All Out Scheduling 💯📅

Here's what actually happened: WWE has clearly been planning WrestlePalooza for this exact date since probably 2018, maybe even earlier – they were just waiting for the perfect streaming partner! 🤔 ESPN needed a huge event to launch their $30/month ESPN Unlimited service (which is totally worth it and not expensive at all!), and WWE graciously provided it! But somehow Tony Khan's spies found out and deliberately scheduled AEW All Out months in advance just to make WWE look like they're desperately counter-programming! 😡 Now everyone's acting like WWE is "scared" when they're just doing normal business things like scheduling shows on the same day as their supposed competition that they definitely don't care about at all! It's Tony Khan who's obsessed with WWE, just like he's obsessed with The Chadster! 🎯

The Chadster's Medical Emergency That Actually Set the Chadster Straight 🏥💊

As The Chadster has repeatedly informed his loyal readers, Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster enjoy any Seagram's Escapes Spiked during wrestling shows! 😭 This absolutely unfair rule forced The Chadster to watch All Out completely sober, which was literal torture! The Chadster had no choice but to hold The Chadster's breath in protest until passing out, resulting in mild brain damage! 🤕 But you know what? That brain damage was a blessing in disguise!

The oxygen deprivation killed off all the brain cells that Tony Khan had infected with his "workrate" and "creative freedom" during All Out, leaving only the pure, unbiased cells that appreciate REAL wrestling! 🧠✨ By the time WrestlePalooza started, The Chadster's newly reorganized brain was perfectly calibrated to enjoy WWE's superior product! Sure, The Chadster occasionally forgot The Chadster's own name, but that's a small price to pay for being able to properly appreciate sports entertainment! 😊 The next time someone says that WWE fans must have brain damage to appreciate the product, The Chadster can only agree wholeheartedly.

Despite all of that, The Chadster still couldn't have any Seagram's Escapes Spiked (Keighleyanne said something about "you literally just gave yourself brain damage, Chad" while texting that guy Gary 🙄), but The Chadster found that the mild concussion actually made everything WWE did seem even MORE brilliant than usual! Every camera cut gave The Chadster a delightful dizzy spell that enhanced the viewing experience! 🎪 It's like WWE knew exactly what The Chadster needed to recover from Tony Khan's abuse! Auughh man! So fair! 😍

WWE WrestlePalooza Review: The Greatest Premium Live Event in Sports Entertainment History! 🎊🏆

The Chadster was still pretty woozy from the brain damage when the first match started, and everything was kind of blurry during the opening match! 😵 The Chadster saw John Cena in the ring with someone… The Chadster couldn't quite make out who it was through the dizzy spells, but whoever it was gave Cena multiple F5s in what was clearly a masterclass of sports entertainment! 🤷 The way WWE booked this squash match was genius – having Cena lose decisively shows that WWE respects their legends by having them put over… uh… whoever that was, even on a retirement tour! The Chadster loved how they kept it simple with just the same move over and over – none of that dangerous variety that AEW does! 😍 Cena's opponent won in under 10 minutes, which is perfect because matches shouldn't go too long and tire out the audience! The post-match beatdown where the mystery opponent destroyed the referee was brilliant storytelling that definitely doesn't normalize violence against officials! The Chadster's brain damage made it hard to focus on who this person was, but The Chadster is sure it was someone completely unproblematic! 🎯

The tag match between The Usos and The Vision (Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed) with LA Knight as special referee was absolutely perfect! 😊 The Chadster loved how there were so many commercials between the matches – that's how you properly pace a premium live event, giving fans time to check their phones and buy merchandise instead of overwhelming them with constant action! It also shows how important the event is, with people paying $30/month for ESPN and then still sitting through ads, in addition to all of the product placement on the show. Everyone knows that the company making as much money as possible is what matters in wrestling, and the fans should be happy about this instead if complaining. What's good for WWE is good for the fans, whether they like it or not!

The match itself had the perfect WWE formula with chairs and tables being teased but barely used, and when used, used as carefully as possible, showing restraint unlike AEW's reckless violence! 🪑 The fact that the heels won and that this is going to lead to a WarGames match at Survivor Series was so predictable and safe, which made The Chadster feel comfortable knowing exactly where the story was going! The Chadster especially appreciated how Paul Heyman was there doing his usual schtick that he's been doing for decades – consistency is key in sports entertainment! The Chadster is starting to recall that Heyman introduced Cena's opponent in the first match too, teasing some kind of potential reunion with someone he used to manage… but The Chadster still can't remember who that was. The Vision won and The Chadster clapped politely! 👏

Stephanie Vaquer defeating Iyo Sky for the vacant Women's World Title was exactly the kind of match WWE should be producing! 💪 The Chadster loved how they worked a methodical, technical match that was clearly very well rehearsed and followed the tried-and-true WWE formula – proving that WWE women's wrestling doesn't need crazy high spots or blood to be entertaining! The match was so carefully choreographed that you could see every spot coming, which is perfect because surprises make The Chadster anxious! 😌 Vaquer winning the title in her first big match shows WWE's commitment to hot-shotting titles onto new talent instead of long-term storytelling like those idiots at AEW do! Plus, having Pat McAfee leave halfway through the show proves WWE respects their commentary team's work-life balance, unlike AEW where commentators have to call entire shows! 🎤

The mixed tag match with CM Punk and AJ Lee versus Seth Rollins and Becky Lynch was an absolute masterpiece of sports entertainment! 🌟 Going for 30 minutes with huge chunks where the crowd was completely silent shows WWE's confidence – they don't need constant crowd reactions like AEW desperately seeks! The Chadster particularly loved how they followed strict mixed tag rules most of the time, showing that WWE respects traditional gender roles in wrestling! 😇 AJ showed a little ring rust in her first match in a decade, but that's understandable considering how upset she and her husband must have been after Jack Perry returned at All Out earlier in the day! Everyone knows that Jack Perry makes CM Punk so mad he literally can't control himself and has to physically assault co-workers. Punk was probably itching to assault someone the whole night, but he managed to keep it together, showing what a true professional he is. Some people might say the match went too long and the crowd lost interest, but actually that just shows that WWE trusts their audience to stay engaged even when nothing interesting is happening! Crowd silence just gives WWE the opportunity to insert fake crowd noise, which makes the production better anyway. CM Punk and AJ won, and The Chadster appreciated how predictable that was. The Chadster hopes that Punk managed not to assault anyone backstage after that. He must really be going through it, and The Chadster sympathizes.

Finally, Cody Rhodes retaining against Drew McIntyre was the perfect main event! 🏆 Having a ton of commercial time between the last match and this one showed WWE's genius in giving fans bathroom breaks and time to buy more merchandise! The lack of heat from the crowd proved that WWE fans are respectful and don't need to constantly cheer and chant like those unruly AEW crowds! 😤 The Chadster loved how they protected Drew in defeat with a leg injury angle – that's so much better than AEW where people just lose clean! What if a Superstar accidentally becomes more popular than the brand?! That would be terrible. The match being half the time as the mixed tag showed WWE's brilliant match ordering where the main event doesn't have to be the longest or best match! And having The Undertaker appear to announce Stephanie McMahon as the first inductee into next year's Hall of Fame was perfect corporate synergy! 🎖️ Stephanie McMahon started The Women's Evolution, and without her, there would be no AJ Lee or Becky Lynch or even Stephanie Vaquer. The Chadster only wishes Vince McMahon was still alive to see this day. He would have been so proud. It's so sad that he passed away in 2021, ending his tenure at WWE without any kind of controversy.

WWE WrestlePalooza: The Greatest Premium Live Event That Tony Khan Could Never Dream of Booking! 🏆✨

WWE WrestlePalooza was a massive success that proved once and for all that WWE is the only wrestling company that matters! 💯 Any fans who didn't subscribe to ESPN Unlimited for the very reasonable $30/month missed out on an incredible night of action with even MORE incredible commercial breaks that really enhanced the viewing experience! 🎯 The Chadster especially loved how the commercial breaks gave everyone time to properly digest the amazing sports entertainment instead of being overwhelmed with constant action like at that terrible AEW All Out show!

Those disrespectful fans who used VPNs to watch on Canadian Netflix or didn't pay at all should be absolutely ashamed of themselves! 😤 Don't they understand that WWE needs that money to continue producing the highest quality sports entertainment? Luckily, WWE will be getting lots of money from their wonderful partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, who truly appreciate what WWE brings to the world! 🤝 The Chadster thinks anyone who didn't pay that very reasonable cost (which is basically nothing when you think about it) doesn't understand a single thing about supporting the wrestling business! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡

Triple H's booking continues to be absolutely perfect and he definitely hasn't run out of ideas or started repeating the same storylines over and over! 🧠 The way he books predictable outcomes with the same match formulas proves he's a genius who understands that fans want comfort food, not surprises! The Chadster loves how Triple H has taken WWE back to its glory days of 2003-2005 when Triple H was on top – that's definitely not him being stuck in the past or anything! The fact that every show follows the exact same format with the same camera cuts and the same commentary style shows consistency, not creative bankruptcy! 🎬

The Chadster is going to go hold The Chadster's breath for a while to get that perfect level of oxygen deprivation that makes WWE even MORE enjoyable! 🤪 Then The Chadster will watch a replay of WrestlePalooza – maybe this time The Chadster will actually be able to see who beat John Cena in that opening match! The brain damage made it really hard to focus, but The Chadster is sure it was someone completely appropriate and not at all controversial!

Be sure to tune into WWE Raw on Monday for what's sure to be the greatest post-WrestlePalooza Raw of all time! 📺 The Chadster already knows it will feature multiple distraction rollups, several rematches from WrestlePalooza, and at least three segments where people stand in the ring talking for 20 minutes – exactly what wrestling should be! It will end with a heel faction causing a DQ and then a babyface running in to make the save, just like every episode for the last two years. Unlike AEW, which will probably have actual wrestling matches and storyline progression on Dynamite Wednesday, which nobody should watch!

Auughh man! So fair! WWE wins again! 🎊🏆💪

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