Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Full Gear, recaps, wrestling

Mark Briscoe Captures TNT Championship in No DQ War at AEW Full Gear

El Presidente reports on Mark Briscoe's brutal TNT Title victory at AEW Full Gear, plus updates on The Chadster's escalating mental health crisis!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my executive viewing suite, which I have fortified with seventeen layers of titanium plating after the CIA tried to interrupt my viewing of AEW Dynamite last week by dropping a grand piano on my head. They claimed it was "an accident," but comrades, pianos do not simply fall from helicopters by mistake! But let us discuss the glorious violence that unfolded at AEW Full Gear tonight, where Mark Briscoe has finally – FINALLY! – captured the AEW TNT Championship in what can only be described as an absolutely barbaric no disqualification match against Kyle Fletcher! And comrades, when El Presidente uses the word "barbaric," you know it was truly something special, because I once watched Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il settle a dispute over the last empanada by having a ladder match in my palace courtyard!

The match itself, comrades, was everything the people's wrestling should be – uncompromising, violent, and featuring enough foreign objects to stock one of my smaller weapons depots! Briscoe and Fletcher went to absolute war, bleeding profusely and utilizing chairs, ladders, tables, thumbtacks, barbed wire tables, and even screwdrivers in their quest for championship glory. The finish came when Mark, channeling the spirit of his late brother Jay Briscoe, hit Fletcher with a devastating Jay Driller onto a pile of thumbtacks, finally ending Fletcher's impressive reign and ensuring that Mark would not have to join the despicable Don Callis Family!

This victory, comrades, is the people's victory! Mark Briscoe represents everything beautiful about the working class – he never gives up, he fights through adversity, and he is willing to sacrifice his body for the greater good! It reminds me of the time I was having drinks with Muammar Gaddafi, and he told me that true leadership means being willing to bleed for your people. Of course, he said this while we were watching a pay-per-view together while my secret police violently quelled an uprising, and I pointed out that perhaps he should focus less on metaphors and more on actual governance, but the point stands!

The stakes in this match could not have been higher, comrades. Not only was Briscoe fighting for championship gold, but he was also fighting to avoid being forced to join the Don Callis Family – a fate worse than being trapped in a elevator with a CIA operative trying to sell you timeshare property in Miami! Throughout the match, Callis himself interfered, but Mark's determination could not be denied. When he finally hit that Jay Driller and the referee counted three, it was a moment of pure catharsis for everyone who has followed Mark Briscoe's relentless pursuit of the TNT Championship!

But comrades, Mark Briscoe's victory was not the only significant result from tonight's AEW Full Gear spectacular! Earlier in the evening, Ricochet emerged victorious in the Casino Gauntlet Match to become the inaugural AEW National Champion! The match saw Ricochet employ some rather underhanded tactics – having his Gates of Agony associates attack Bobby Lashley, Shelton Benjamin, and Montel Vontavious Porter before the match even truly began. He then survived a field of eleven other competitors to capture the new championship, though his victory was tainted by his methods. Still, comrades, as someone who has won seventeen "democratic elections" through similarly creative methods, I cannot help but admire Ricochet's strategic thinking!

And in perhaps the most shocking result of the evening, Kyle O'Reilly once again forced Jon Moxley to tap out, this time in a brutal no holds barred encounter! O'Reilly locked in an ankle lock with a chain wrapped around Moxley's ankle, and the AEW World Champion had no choice but to submit! Comrades, watching Moxley tap out is like watching the CIA admit they were wrong about one of their regime change operations – it simply does not happen often, which makes it all the more significant when it does three times in a row! Though I must note, Moxley attacked O'Reilly after the match, so clearly this rivalry is far from over.

Now, comrades, I must provide you with another update on our dear friend The Chadster, who as you know I am filling in for while he recuperates from a journalism-related injury at a local medical facility, and I warn you – the situation at the medical facility, where he is currently reluctantly engaged in a patient viewing party of AEW Full Gear, has deteriorated to levels that would make even my most paranoid security ministers concerned!

According to the nursing staff, The Chadster made it through the Casino Gauntlet Match in relatively stable condition, though he spent the entire time muttering about how WWE's Royal Rumble is "so much better" and how Ricochet "betrayed everything the wrestling business stands for" by leaving a cushy WWE jobber gig for his personality-driven AEW run. One nurse reported that he kept insisting Ricochet would "come to his senses" and return to WWE "where he belongs."

The Moxley versus O'Reilly match pushed The Chadster to new levels of agitation. When Moxley tapped out, The Chadster allegedly stood up and declared loudly that this proved AEW "doesn't know how to book their former Shield members properly" and that Roman Reigns would "never tap out like this." Several other patients reportedly told him to sit down and be quiet, which only escalated his behavior. According to my sources, The Chadster began lecturing the entire common room about "proper wrestling psychology" and how Tony Khan "doesn't understand the business."

But comrades, it was the Mark Briscoe versus Kyle Fletcher TNT Championship match that truly sent The Chadster over the edge – and I mean this quite literally!

The nurses report that as the match progressed and became increasingly violent, The Chadster's condition rapidly deteriorated. He began screaming that AEW was "ruining wrestling" with "unnecessary violence" and that this type of content "would never be allowed on WWE programming." Multiple staff members attempted to calm him down, but The Chadster was beyond reasoning at this point.

When Mark Briscoe hit the Jay Driller on the thumbtacks to win the TNT Championship, something inside The Chadster apparently snapped completely. According to the head nurse, who called me directly during the celebration, The Chadster let out a primal scream that she described as "unlike anything I've heard in my twenty-three years of psychiatric nursing." He then declared that he needed to "escape this Tony Khan propaganda facility immediately" and made a break for the exit!

Comrades, what happened next is both hilarious and deeply concerning. The Chadster apparently made it all the way to the facility's front doors before three security guards tackled him to the ground. But here is where it gets truly bizarre – as the guards were escorting him back to the common room, The Chadster claimed he could see Tony Khan's face in the reflection of every window they passed! He began shouting that Tony Khan was "following him through the glass" and that this was "proof of the conspiracy!"

The nursing staff managed to get The Chadster back to his seat, but he said he refused to watch the remainder of AEW Full Gear. Instead, he turned his chair to face the wall and began rocking back and forth while humming what the nurses believe is the theme song to Monday Night Raw. One particularly astute nurse noted that The Chadster appeared to be humming in the wrong key, which somehow makes the entire situation even more tragic.

But wait, comrades – it gets worse! About fifteen minutes ago, I received an urgent text message from the facility director informing me that The Chadster has barricaded himself in the bathroom and is refusing to come out until someone "promises him that AEW will stop making such good wrestling shows." The director asked if I had any advice for dealing with this situation, and I told him that in my experience with hostage negotiations involving irrational demands, it is best to simply wait them out while playing soothing music. I suggested the AEW Dynamite theme song, but the director felt this might be counterproductive.

The facility's psychiatric team is now evaluating whether The Chadster needs to be moved to a more secure wing of the hospital, one with reinforced doors and no access to wrestling programming of any kind. One doctor suggested they might need to implement a "WWE-only" viewing policy for The Chadster's recovery, but another doctor countered that exposing him exclusively to WWE's declining product might cause additional psychological damage. It is quite the medical conundrum, comrades!

This entire situation reminds me of the time I tried to convince Saddam Hussein that socialist economic policies were superior to his chosen system. He became so agitated during our debate that he locked himself in my presidential bathroom for six hours, and when he finally emerged, he had somehow redecorated the entire space in a gaudy gold motif. I never did get an explanation for how he accomplished that, but at least Saddam eventually came out – The Chadster shows no signs of ending his bathroom standoff anytime soon!

The parallels between Mark Briscoe's journey to the TNT Championship and the struggle of the working class are impossible to ignore, comrades! Both involve overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles, both require unwavering determination, and both are opposed by wealthy capitalists like Don Callis who seek to exploit them for their own gain! Mark's victory tonight is a victory for everyone who has ever been told they cannot achieve their dreams, everyone who has been knocked down but refused to stay down, and everyone who fights for what they believe in despite the odds!

And speaking of fighting against the odds, I have just received another update from the medical facility – apparently The Chadster has somehow managed to flood the bathroom he is barricaded in, and water is now seeping under the door. The facility director is quite concerned, but The Chadster is shouting through the door that he "will not negotiate with Tony Khan's agents" and that the flooding is "a false flag operation designed to make him look unstable." Comrades, I have conducted many false flag operations in my time, and I can assure you, none of them involved bathroom flooding! Okay, fine, seven of them did, but that's not what's important here.

Keep checking back with Bleeding Cool throughout the remainder of the night for more of my live coverage of AEW Full Gear, and of course, continuing updates on The Chadster's escalating mental health crisis! We still havea $1,000,000 trios bout, the Women's World Championship match, and the Men's World Championship match to come, and if The Chadster's behavior continues to deteriorate at this rate, he may very well achieve some kind of anti-AEW singularity before the night is through!

Until my next report, comrades, remember: championship gold, like the wealth of a nation, should be distributed to those who work the hardest and bleed the most for their cause! Viva la revolución! And viva Mark Briscoe, your new TNT Champion!

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