Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Your Guide to Tonight's Pre-Mania MSG Madness

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Raw from Madison Square Garden! CM Punk, Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar, title matches, and betrayal await, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker beneath Madison Square Garden, where I have been hiding from both the CIA and my creditors since last Tuesday! Tonight, WWE Raw promises to deliver more drama than the time I had to mediate a dispute between Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il over who had the better beard. Let me tell you, comrades, the Road to WrestleMania is more treacherous than the mountain pass I used to escape that unfortunate coup attempt in 2003!

CM Punk and Roman Reigns Collision Course

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk and Roman Reigns are both scheduled to be at Raw in Madison Square Garden this Monday.

Last week The OTCs unleashed a vicious attack on The Best in the World.

Don't miss the fallout from their latest encounter on the turbulent Road to WrestleMania at 8 ET/5 PT on Raw on Netflix.

Ah, comrades, the tension between CM Punk and Roman Reigns! This reminds me of the time I shared a cigar with Muammar Gaddafi, and we got into a heated debate about who had the superior sunglasses collection. Things got so heated that his security detail had to separate us, much like how security will likely need to keep these two titans apart tonight on WWE Raw! The OTCs' vicious attack last week was more brutal than my economic sanctions against the neighboring province that refused to name a street after me. When these two warriors are under the same roof at Madison Square Garden, expect fireworks more spectacular than my annual Independence Day celebration (which, coincidentally, celebrates my independence from democratic oversight).

The Usos Defend in a Street Fight

After LA Knight caused The Usos to lose a tag team match to Logan Paul and Austin Theory by disqualification, the World Tag Team Champions will put their title on the line against The Vision in a Street Fight.

Don't miss all the action of Raw, Monday at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

A Street Fight, comrades! The Usos versus Logan Paul and Austin Theory for the World Tag Team Championship! This is the kind of no-holds-barred action that reminds me of my monthly cabinet meetings, where we settle policy disputes with folding chairs and trash can lids! If there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that when the rules go out the window, that's when things get interesting. LA Knight's interference last week cost The Usos their match, much like how my former Minister of Finance's "interference" cost me several million dollars that mysteriously appeared in his Swiss bank account. Tonight on WWE Raw, anything goes, and I expect these warriors to fight with the passion of a dictator defending his offshore accounts!

The Irresistible Forces Face Their Challengers

Moments after defeating The Kabuki Warriors in tag team action, Bayley and Lyra Valkyria challenged Nia Jax and Lash Legend to a WWE Women's Tag Team Championship Match at Madison Square Garden next week.

Bayley and Lyra are looking to punch their ticket to WrestleMania. Can they capture the title from The Irresistible Forces? Find out on Raw at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Comrades, Bayley and Lyra Valkyria are brave warriors indeed! Challenging Nia Jax and Lash Legend for the WWE Women's Tag Team Championship requires the kind of courage I once witnessed when Hugo Chávez challenged me to a hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. (He won, but only because I was distracted by CIA surveillance drones!) The Irresistible Forces are formidable champions, much like my iron grip on power, but these challengers have the hunger of revolutionaries seeking to redistribute the championship wealth!

Penta Defends Against Kofi Kingston

Penta issued an Intercontinental Championship Open Challenge on social media this weekend, and former WWE Champion Kofi Kingston has answered the call.

Don't miss the explosive title match, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Raw on Netflix.

Penta issuing an open challenge on social media! Comrades, this reminds me of the time I posted on Twitter that I would arm-wrestle any world leader who dared challenge me, and then had to quickly delete it when Vladimir Putin replied with a winking emoji. Kofi Kingston, a former WWE Champion, has the experience and the heart to potentially dethrone the Intercontinental Champion tonight on WWE Raw. This match will be more explosive than my poorly planned fireworks display last New Year's Eve that temporarily relocated three city blocks!

The Beast Returns

Brock Lesnar is set to return to Monday Night Raw at Madison Square Garden en route to his WrestleMania showdown against Oba Femi.

The Beast has been wrecked in two separate encounters with The Ruler. How will The Conqueror respond en route to The Showcase of the Immortals? Find out Monday on Raw at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Brock Lesnar returns, comrades! The Beast Incarnate has been humiliated twice by Oba Femi, which is almost as embarrassing as the time my motorcade got stuck behind a school bus for forty minutes while protestors threw tomatoes at my limousine. A dictator—I mean, a conqueror—must never show weakness! Lesnar will be looking for redemption tonight on WWE Raw, and I expect him to come out with the fury of a leader who just discovered his Minister of Propaganda has been photoshopping him to look shorter in official portraits!

Finn Bálor Addresses Betrayal

Finn Bálor will address the betrayal by his former Judgment Day allies following his shocking return to Raw last Monday.

Don't miss all the action on Raw, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Betrayal, comrades! Finn Bálor knows this pain all too well. I too have experienced betrayal, like when my Vice President tried to overthrow me while I was on vacation in Tahiti. (Don't worry, I had him reassigned to manage our guano mining operation on a small, very mosquito-infested island.) The Judgment Day turned on their leader, proving that in wrestling, as in geopolitics, loyalty is as rare as an honest election in my country! What will Bálor have to say tonight on WWE Raw? Will he seek revenge? Will he find new allies? The suspense is killing me more slowly than the allegedly expired caviar my chef served last week!

IYO SKY vs. Raquel Rodriguez

After blaming IYO SKY for getting involved in her match against Women's World Champion Stephanie Vaquer on the March 16 edition of Raw, Raquel Rodriguez will go one-on-one with The Genius of the Sky, Monday on Raw at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

IYO SKY and Raquel Rodriguez will settle their differences in the ring tonight, comrades! Rodriguez blames The Genius of the Sky for costing her a match against Stephanie Vaquer, much like how I blame the CIA for everything from bad weather to my poor approval ratings to that mysterious rash I developed after swimming in the presidential pool. Tonight these warriors will prove that sometimes the only way to resolve a conflict is through glorious combat in the squared circle!

For all of tonight's preview information, I must credit the fine comrades at WWE's official website, who provide excellent intelligence that even my secret police would envy!

Comrades, you must tune in to WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix! I will be watching from my solid gold throne room, surrounded by my cabinet ministers (who I have forced to attend at gunpoint to ensure proper audience enthusiasm), while enjoying champagne that I definitely paid for with legitimate government funds! The Road to WrestleMania continues, and it promises to be more thrilling than my daring escape from that International Criminal Court subpoena!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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