Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: John Cena, Wrestlemania, wrestling

Retired Man Finds Work as WrestleMania Greeter

John Cena has found honest work as WrestleMania 42 host after tapping out in retirement. It's nice to see he's found a way to remain useful.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious retirement villa in the Bahamas (which is definitely not a CIA safehouse I'm being held in against my will), and I have some absolutely delightful news about gainful employment for our retired comrades! John Cena, the man who spent decades telling us to "Never Give Up" before giving up in his retirement match last year has found himself some honest work in his golden years as the official host of WrestleMania 42 in Las Vegas next month! Yes, comrades, much like your sweet abuela who greets shoppers at Walmart with a smile and a sticker, John Cena will be standing at the entrance of WrestleMania, shaking hands and welcoming the masses to the Grandest Stage of Them All. It warms my heart to see a retiree finding purpose in their twilight years!

Ah yes, "the road has looked a little different" – that's what we call it when you go from main eventing to holding the door open, no? I tell you, comrades, this reminds me of when I had tea with Idi Amin in Saudi Arabia back in the 1980s. The man went from ruling Uganda with an iron fist to spending his retirement feeding pigeons in the park and occasionally helping elderly ladies cross the street. He told me, "El Presidente, when you can no longer command armies, you must find satisfaction in smaller victories, like organizing a really excellent bingo night at the community center."

Now, before the CIA operatives reading this get too excited (yes, I see you, Agent Johnson, stop hiding behind that cactus), let me remind everyone of how Cena's illustrious career came to an end. At Saturday Night's Main Event last year, our hero faced Gunther in what should have been an epic final battle. But instead of going out on his shield like a warrior, Cena tapped out – TAPPED OUT, comrades! – while grinning like a lunatic who had just discovered the joys of early bird specials at Denny's. "Never Give Up" became "I Give Up Quite Easily Actually, And With A Smile!"

It was the most confusing retirement I'd seen since Muammar Gaddafi faked his own death in 2011 and I found him three months later running a surprisingly successful food truck in Argentina specializing in Libyan street food. He wore a fake mustache and called himself "Murray." The hummus was excellent, I must admit, though he kept trying to give me pamphlets about his "new vision" for sandwich-based governance.

But I digress, comrades. The point is that retirement can be difficult for those of us – I mean, for those wrestlers – who once commanded respect and attention. When you spend your entire life telling people they can't see you, and then suddenly nobody wants to see you wrestle anymore, you must adapt! This is why I applaud WWE for giving Cena this opportunity to feel useful again. Everyone deserves to contribute to society, even if that contribution is mainly standing around and pointing people toward their seats.

I remember discussing retirement plans with Saddam Hussein during a game of canasta in 2002. He was worried about what he would do when he stepped down from power. I suggested he could become a tour guide at historical sites, or perhaps teach a community college course on bunker construction. Sadly, he never got the chance to pursue these dreams because of… well, you know. The CIA ruins everything.

Speaking of ruined careers, let us return to our friend John Cena. The man built his entire persona around hustle, loyalty, and respect. And now? Now he gets to hustle to the entrance ramp, show loyalty to his WWE corporate overlords, and respect the fact that his wrestling days are behind him. It's poetic, really! Like when Baby Doc Duvalier returned to Haiti after 25 years in exile and the best job he could find was judging a local talent show. The people's champion becomes the people's greeter!

You know, comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: never let them see you sweat, and always have a backup career plan. The CIA once tried to assassinate me with an exploding cigar during WrestleMania 38, but the remote detonator malfunctioned because they bought it from the lowest bidder. This taught me that even the most powerful organizations must sometimes settle for less-than-ideal outcomes. Much like WWE settling for Cena as a host instead of an active competitor!

Now, I am not saying that hosting WrestleMania is beneath anyone – quite the contrary! It is honest work, and under socialism, all work has dignity, whether you are body-slamming opponents or body-blocking fans from entering restricted areas. The revolution requires all types of labor, from the proletariat in the ring to the petit bourgeoisie standing awkwardly near the entrance making small talk!

I do wonder what exactly Cena's hosting duties will entail. Will he introduce matches? Will he perform comedy sketches? Will he stand at the actual entrance of Allegiant Stadium with a little clicker counting attendance like they do at the nightclubs I definitely don't get refused entry to because of outstanding international warrants? The possibilities are endless!

This reminds me of when Napoleon Bonaparte was exiled to Elba and tried to stay busy by reorganizing the island's postal system and redesigning the local uniforms. The man couldn't conquer anymore, so he conquered boredom instead! Similarly, Cena cannot wrestle anymore (well, he can, but he chose to tap out with a smile, the absolute madman), so now he must conquer the art of standing around looking presidential while occasionally reading from a teleprompter.

Las Vegas is the perfect location for this new chapter in Cena's life, comrades. The city of second chances! The place where fortunes are made and lost, where retirees flock to pull slot machine levers in air-conditioned casinos, where aged Elvis impersonators still find work despite their hips no longer being able to gyrate! Cena will fit right in with all the other has-beens trying to recapture past glory. I say this with love, of course, as someone who has been declared a has-been by the UN seventeen times.

In conclusion, comrades, let us wish John Cena well in his new position as WrestleMania's official greeter/host/participation trophy. May his smile be bright, his introductions be enthusiastic, and may he find the same satisfaction in this role that other retirees find in their hobbies like gardening, woodworking, or in my case, writing blog posts while evading international law enforcement.

And remember: under socialism, even retired wrestlers would receive full pension benefits and wouldn't need to take hosting gigs to stay relevant! Just saying, comrades. Just saying.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WrestleMania! ¡Viva John Cena's new career as a professional welcomer of people to the grandest stage of them all!

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