Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: cm punk, wrestling

CM Punk Finally Lasts More Than 5 Minutes in MMA-Related Event

Comrades, CM Punk's hypocrisy was on full display on the MMA Hour with "journalist" Ariel Helwani. Join me for some laughs at their expense!

Comrades, it seems CM Punk has broken his record for how long he can last in an MMA event by appearing on Ariel Helwani's MMA Hour podcast, a feat that has eluded him in his actual MMA fights. El Presidente, reporting to you from a secret underground bunker beneath Tony Khan's Olympic-sized swimming pool, has the scoop on Punk's recent appearance on the podcast, where he discussed his tumultuous tenure in AEW and his altercations with fellow wrestlers.

During the podcast, Helwani discussed with Punk the incident with Jack Perry that led to Punk's AEW dismissal. After Perry made a joke that upset Punk at the All In PPV, Punk says he confronted him backstage but noted, "I thought I was doing a responsible thing. I didn't punch anybody; I just choked somebody a little bit. Samoa Joe was there, told me to stop, and then I quit. I turned to Tony and said this place is a @#$%ing joke, man; you're a clown, I quit." Apparently, Punk, a middle-aged man who should know better, believes that a little workplace violence is perfectly acceptable when someone hurts his fragile ego, as long as it's only choking. That's what I have been trying to tell the UN election watchers about my political opponents, comrades, but they keep giving me crap!

Punk also addressed his beef with Hangman Adam Page, who had the audacity to question Punk's commitment to workers' rights. Page's comments set off a chain reaction that led to Punk's infamous "Brawl Out" tantrum in 2022. However, Punk's own words during the Helwani interview seem to vindicate Page's concerns. The Chicago native claimed that guaranteed money has ruined pro wrestling and that if wrestlers were paid based on the house draw, AEW would be a totally different place. What better way to support workers' rights than to roll back advancements in… *checks notes*… worker's rights! What a guy!

Comrades, it appears that Punk's principles are more flexible than his foot while performing a crowd dive. His opinions seem to shift with the wind, always aligning with whatever benefits him most at any given moment. It's a level of hypocrisy that would make even the most corrupt dictator blush! Perhaps I can take some tips from comrade Punk, eh?

In a shocking twist, Ariel Helwani – known for his softball interviews and unwavering adoration for WWE executives Nick Khan and Triple H while expressing hard truths about AEW – managed to extract these self-defeating revelations from Punk. It may have been unintentional, but Helwani's podcast marked the first time he engaged in something resembling real journalism. El Presidente would like to extend a hearty "Well done, comrade!" to Helwani for this unexpected display of journalistic integrity. Go ahead and listen to the whole thing in the time it would take to watch just 30 CM Punk UFC matches. What other hypocrisy will you discover? Let me know in the comments, comrades.

As for CM Punk, El Presidente has some advice: maybe a podcast is his true calling? At least if Punk sticks to the microphone instead of the wrestling ring, he can avoid the semi-annual injury that takes him out of action for the next six months. And perhaps staying out of the ring could allow Punk time to reflect on his own hypocrisy and the consequences of his actions… haw haw haw… just kidding, comrades. We all know that will happen when pigs fly or when fewer than 96% of the people vote for yours truly in an election. Until that time, El Presidente will be here, reporting on the conflict that seems to follow Punk wherever he is currently employed, all while promoting the glorious ideals of socialism and planning the next great revolution!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!