Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Full Gear, recaps, wrestling

Samoa Joe Wins Title at AEW Full Gear as Swerve Strickland Returns

Hook's shocking betrayal helps Samoa Joe capture AEW World Championship at Full Gear, but Swerve Strickland returns to shake up everything, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I have been forced to take shelter after the CIA attempted to sabotage my viewing of AEW Full Gear by releasing a swarm of trained hornets through the ventilation system! They claimed it was "pest control," but comrades, pest control does not arrive in black helicopters at 9 PM on a Saturday night! But let us discuss the absolutely earth-shattering events that just transpired at AEW Full Gear, where Samoa Joe has captured the AEW Men's World Championship in a steel cage match that can only be described as a bloodbath of epic proportions! And comrades, the manner in which he achieved this victory – with the shocking betrayal by Hook – has left the wrestling world reeling like a CIA operative who just discovered I've replaced all his surveillance equipment with carnival goldfish!

The steel cage match between "Hangman" Adam Page and Samoa Joe was everything we hoped it would be and more, comrades! Both men were absolutely drenched in their own blood within minutes, creating a crimson tableau that reminded me of the time I hosted a state dinner for Nicolae Ceaușescu and he accidentally knocked over an entire table of borscht! The violence was unrelenting, with both competitors throwing each other into the unforgiving steel repeatedly, and by the end, you could barely recognize either man beneath the layers of gore!

But comrades, the true shock came when Hook – yes, Hook, the stoic warrior we all believed was aligned with the forces of justice – revealed himself to be a member of The Opps all along! As Page was poised for victory after hitting his devastating Deadeye, and with the referee down, Hook slid into the ring with the championship belt and HIT HANGMAN WITH IT! He then removed his jacket to reveal an Opps shirt underneath, a betrayal so profound that it makes Judas look like a loyal employee of the month! This allowed Joe to hit his Muscle Buster and capture the AEW World Championship, cementing The Opps as the dominant force in AEW!

This reminds me, comrades, of the time I was playing poker with Muammar Gaddafi and Fidel Castro in my presidential yacht, and halfway through the game, my own security minister revealed he had been working with Fidel the entire time to cheat me out of my chips! I was so shocked that I accidentally swallowed my cigar, and Gaddafi had to perform the Heimlich maneuver while Castro collected the pot! The betrayal stung, but I respected the strategic brilliance of it all – much like Hook's calculated deception tonight!

But comrades, the drama did not end there! As Joe celebrated with The Opps – including Powerhouse Hobbs, Katsuyori Shibata, and various members of the Opps Dojo – the lights suddenly went out! When they came back up, Swerve Strickland made his dramatic return to AEW, accompanied by Prince Nana! The image of Swerve's burning childhood home appeared on the screen – the very home that Page had burned down in their vicious rivalry – and Strickland strode confidently to the ring while a bloody Joe watched with malevolent intensity!

What happened next, comrades, was stunning to behold, like a 50-foot-tall nude statue of myself I had erected in the palace garden last month! Swerve entered the ring, and Joe has The Opps make a path, offering Page's unconscious body as a gift! But instead of attacking his hated rival, Swerve attacked one of the unknown Dojo members, then proceeded to dismantle the entire Opps faction single-handedly! And in the most shocking moment of all, Hangman Page, coated in blood, stood with Strickland to watch the new AEW Men's World Champion, Samoa Joe, leave with the title.

Comrades, this is the beauty of AEW! This is why the people's wrestling is superior to all others! In what other promotion would you see two mortal enemies – men who have tried to destroy each other, men who have burned down homes and engaged in the most personal of warfare, but having settled their differences earlier this year – unite against a common threat? When Page won the AEW World Championship again, it seemed like the start of a new era with Page, long-believed to be the main character of AEW, embarked on an epic run. But instead, AEW has changed the game completely, revealing that AEW has multiple main characters, and that anything can happen where the best wrestle.

Before we continue, comrades, I must also update you on the other significant results from tonight's AEW Full Gear spectacular! In the $1,000,000 Trios Match, Josh Alexander and The Young Bucks (Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson) defeated Kenny Omega and Jurassic Express ("Jungle Man" Jack Perry and Luchasaurus) after the Bucks hit their devastating BTE Trigger on Perry! But comrades, the real story came after the match when Don Callis tried to convince the Bucks to take the money and join his Family! However, when Callis and his associates began brutally attacking Omega's injured knee, the Young Bucks' conscience could not allow it! They threw down the million dollars and rushed back to save their former friend, reuniting with Omega and Jurassic Express in a moment of pure redemption! It was beautiful, comrades, like watching capitalism collapse under the weight of its own greed!

And in the AEW Women's World Championship match, Kris Statlander successfully retained her title against Mercedes Moné in what can only be described as an absolute war! Despite Moné's relentless attack on Statlander's injured arm, Kris managed to hit her Saturday Night Fever finisher to secure the victory and defeat Moné for the first time! This was Statlander's redemption from last year's Full Gear, where Moné defeated her for the TBS Championship, and it proves that persistence and determination will always triumph over… wait, Moné is still the TBS Champion and now holds multiple titles, so perhaps this metaphor is not working as well as I intended, but the point is Statlander won and that is what matters!

Now, comrades, I must sadly provide you with what I can only describe as the most alarming update yet regarding our dear friend Chad McMahon, who as you know I am filling in for while he recuperates from his journalism-related injury at the medical facility in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania! I warned you that his behavior had been escalating throughout tonight's AEW Full Gear, but what happened during the main event has surpassed even my wildest expectations – and comrades, I once witnessed Kim Jong-il have a complete mental breakdown when he realized his DVD collection of Rambo films was missing!

According to the nursing staff, who have been providing me with increasingly frantic updates throughout the evening, The Chadster made it through the Young Bucks' redemption arc by repeatedly screaming that "WWE would never let someone throw away a million dollars because WWE understands the value of money!" Several other patients reportedly tried to explain to him that the emotional payoff was worth more than monetary gain, but The Chadster put his fingers in his ears and began humming the Monday Night Raw theme song at maximum volume!

The Statlander versus Moné match pushed The Chadster to new levels of agitation! When Moné hit her fourteen consecutive amigos, The Chadster allegedly stood up and declared that "Eddie Guerrero would be ashamed that his move is being used in AEW!" One of the orderlies attempted to point out that wrestling moves are not copyrighted and can be used by anyone, but The Chadster responded by claiming this was "typical AEW apologist propaganda" and that the orderly was "probably on Tony Khan's payroll!" The orderly, comrades, makes $16.50 per hour and had never even heard of Tony Khan before tonight, but The Chadster's paranoia knows no bounds!

But comrades, it was the steel cage match and its aftermath that finally, completely, and utterly broke The Chadster's already fragile psyche!

The nurses report that when Hook revealed himself as a member of The Opps, The Chadster began hyperventilating so intensely that they had to bring him a paper bag! He kept screaming that "wrestling is supposed to be predictable!" and that "fans need to feel safe!" When Joe hit the Muscle Buster and won the AEW World Championship, The Chadster allegedly stood up and declared that "Tony Khan has LITERALLY CHEESED HIM OFF FOR THE LAST TIME!"

But then, comrades – and this is where the situation transcended from merely concerning to absolutely catastrophic – when Swerve Strickland returned and stood side-by-side with Hangman Adam Page, The Chadster experienced what the head psychiatrist described as "a complete dissociative break from reality!"

According to the emergency report I received, The Chadster began shouting that "WWE WOULD NEVER DO THIS BECAUSE WWE UNDERSTANDS THAT STORIES NEED TO BE SIMPLE AND PREDICTABLE SO FANS DON'T GET CONFUSED!" He then declared that AEW now had "TWO TOP BABYFACES" and that this was "literally impossible because there can only be one top babyface at a time, and everyone knows this, and Tony Khan is CHEATING THE WRESTLING BUSINESS!"

What happened next, comrades, was like something out of an action movie – specifically, one of those movies the CIA funds to make regime change look heroic! The Chadster, in his completely unhinged state, apparently tapped into reserves of strength that medical science cannot explain! When three orderlies attempted to calm him down, The Chadster somehow fought them off while screaming about "proper wrestling booking!" He then ran toward the common room window – a window that is on the SECOND FLOOR, comrades – and despite multiple staff members attempting to stop him, The Chadster made like Marty Jannetty and JUMPED THROUGH THE GLASS!

Now, you might think this is where The Chadster's story ends in tragedy, but no! According to witnesses on the street below, The Chadster somehow landed in a decorative bush that broke his fall! He emerged from the shrubbery, covered in leaves and small scratches, and immediately began running down the street while screaming that he needed to "get away from Tony Khan's psychological warfare facility!"

The facility director called me in a complete panic, informing me that The Chadster is now LOOSE ON THE STREETS OF PUNXSUTAWNEY in nothing but a hospital gown and a pair of slippers! Security camera footage shows him running past the famous Gobbler's Knob – yes, the very location where Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow each year – while waving his arms and shouting about "the sanctity of professional wrestling!" Several late-night pedestrians attempted to ask if he needed help, but The Chadster reportedly told them all that they were "Tony Khan's agents" and that he "would not be taken alive!"

Comrades, I have immediately contacted the Punxsutawney Police Department, but they informed me that The Chadster is "not technically wanted for any crime" and that "being very upset about wrestling booking" is not grounds for arrest in Pennsylvania (at least not yet)! They said they would keep an eye out for him, but with limited overnight staff, there is no guarantee they will locate him before morning!

The facility's insurance company is apparently very concerned about the liability implications of a patient escaping through a second-story window, and the director has asked me if I would be willing to testify that The Chadster's escape was "an act of God" rather than negligence on their part! I told him that in my experience, God rarely concerns himself with the viewing habits of wrestling journalists, but that I would consider his request in exchange for a full report on how The Chadster managed to overpower three trained orderlies!

This situation reminds me of the time Hugo Chávez became so agitated during a heated debate about baseball that he escaped from my presidential palace by climbing down a drain pipe! We found him three hours later in a local cantina, still arguing with strangers about batting averages! At least Hugo was arguing about something sensible – The Chadster is loose on the streets, driven mad by the mere concept of unpredictable wrestling storytelling!

I have just received a report that The Chadster was spotted near the Punxsutawney Public Library, attempting to use their computers to "email Triple H about the AEW problem," but the library is closed and The Chadster was apparently trying to communicate with his reflection in the glass door, believing it to be a video chat! A passing police officer attempted to welfare check him, but The Chadster fled into a nearby alley while shouting something about "Cody Rhodes' rightful place at the top of the card!"

Comrades, the parallels between tonight's events and the principles of socialism are impossible to ignore! Just as The Opps have seized the means of championship production through collective action, so too must the working class seize the means of economic production! Just as Swerve Strickland and Hangman Adam Page put aside their personal grievances to fight a common enemy, so too must workers unite against the forces of capitalism! And just as The Chadster has completely lost his mind and is currently wandering the streets of Pennsylvania like a deranged raccoon, so too have the defenders of the old wrestling order lost their grip on reality in the face of AEW's revolutionary approach to sports entertainment!

The beauty of tonight's AEW Full Gear main event, comrades, is that it represents everything the capitalist wrestling machine fears – unpredictability! In the WWE model, you know who will win, you know how they will win, and you know exactly what will happen next because everything is focus-grouped and sanitized for maximum corporate palatability, and so you can discuss it on the internet and feel important, like you are in on the whole thing, not a mark, but a member of the wrestling intelligensia! But in AEW, anything can happen! Hook can betray you! Samoa Joe can become champion again! Swerve Strickland can return at the perfect moment and upend the wrestling status quo! This is the people's wrestling, comrades, and it drives men like The Chadster absolutely insane because they cannot control it!

Speaking of which, I have just received another update – The Chadster has been spotted at a 24-hour diner on the outskirts of Punxsutawney, and he is apparently trying to pay for coffee with what he claims are "WWE stock certificates" that will be "worth millions when AEW finally goes out of business!" The waitress, bless her patient soul, is attempting to explain that she needs actual money, but The Chadster is insisting that "Tony Khan has frozen his bank accounts" and that "this is all part of the conspiracy!" The diner manager is considering calling the police, but The Chadster has not technically done anything illegal yet, so they are simply letting him sit in a corner booth and mutter to himself about "proper wrestling psychology!"

The latest report from the diner indicates that The Chadster has now been sitting there for over ten minutes, and he has filled seventeen napkins with what the waitress describes as "a very detailed conspiracy theory connecting Tony Khan to various historical events!" Apparently, one napkin claims that Tony Khan was responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs because "he wanted to create Luchasaurus," while another suggests that Khan "invented the internet purely to make WWE's Network transition more difficult!" The manager has taken photos of some of these napkins and sent them to local mental health professionals, who have confirmed that The Chadster is "experiencing a significant psychological episode" and needs immediate professional help!

But here is the problem, comrades – The Chadster is now refusing to return to the medical facility! He claims that if he goes back, "Tony Khan will use AEW programming to further brainwash him," and he has declared that he will "live off the land" until "WWE wins the Wednesday Night Wars retroactively!" The diner manager has informed me that they cannot legally force The Chadster to leave as long as he is not causing a disturbance, and technically, writing insane conspiracy theories on napkins is not grounds for removal in Pennsylvania (yet)!

I have contacted The Chadster's wife, Keighleyanne, to inform her of the situation, but she has not responded to my messages! I suspect she is busy with Gary, her lover, and probably does not want to be bothered with The Chadster's latest mental health crisis! This is what capitalism does to relationships, comrades – it prioritizes personal pleasure over collective responsibility! In a proper socialist society, Keighleyanne would be required by the community to assist in The Chadster's recovery, but instead, she is probably watching AEW Full Gear replays with Gary and laughing about how good the show was!

The most recent update from the diner is perhaps the most concerning yet – The Chadster has apparently befriended a stray cat that wandered in through the open door, and he is now calling it "White Claw Steve Austin" and claiming that the cat is "the only one who understands the truth about Tony Khan's conspiracy!" The waitress reports that The Chadster is sharing bits of his untouched pancakes with the cat while explaining to it "the proper way to book a wrestling program!" Several other late-night diner patrons have recorded videos of this scene and are apparently posting them to social media, where they are going viral under the hashtag #ChadsterOnTheLoose!

Comrades, I must be honest with you – I am genuinely concerned for The Chadster's wellbeing at this point! While his anti-AEW obsession has always been amusing fodder for my reports, this complete mental breakdown is something else entirely! The man is currently living in a diner, befriending stray cats, and writing conspiracy theories on napkins! This is not the behavior of someone who is simply upset about wrestling – this is the behavior of someone who needs serious psychiatric intervention!

But at the same time, comrades, I cannot help but see the dark humor in all of this! The Chadster's complete inability to accept that AEW can produce compelling, unpredictable wrestling has literally driven him to madness! It is like watching someone's entire worldview crumble because reality refuses to conform to their expectations! It reminds me of the time I had to explain to Manuel Noriega that his beloved Panama Canal was never actually going to be named after him, and he responded by locking himself in his office for three days and refusing to come out until we agreed to name a public restroom after him instead! Sometimes, comrades, people build their entire identity around beliefs that simply cannot withstand contact with reality!

As I wrap up this report, comrades, I have just received word that The Chadster has finally been convinced to leave the diner – but not to return to the medical facility! Instead, he has apparently decided to seek "sanctuary" at the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, where he believes he will be "safe from Tony Khan's reach" because "Tony Khan would never think to look for him at a place dedicated to a rodent's weather predictions!" The night security guard at the Groundhog Club has informed local authorities that there is indeed a disheveled man sitting on their front steps, clutching a stray cat and muttering about "the Monday Night Wars," but since he is on public property and not causing a disturbance, there is nothing they can legally do!

So comrades, as we conclude our coverage of AEW Full Gear – a spectacular show that featured Mark Briscoe winning the TNT Championship, Ricochet becoming the inaugural National Champion, Kyle O'Reilly making Moxley tap out, the Young Bucks choosing friendship over money, Kris Statlander retaining her Women's World Championship, and Samoa Joe capturing the Men's World Championship in the most shocking circumstances possible – The Chadster remains at large in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, accompanied only by a stray cat and his increasingly tenuous grip on reality!

I want to thank all of you, my dear comrades, for following along with Bleeding Cool's live coverage of AEW Full Gear tonight! It has been an absolute pleasure to bring you these results, even as The Chadster's mental state has deteriorated before our very eyes! I promise to keep you updated on The Chadster's situation as it develops, and I truly hope that he finds the help he so desperately needs before he does something even more ridiculous than jumping through a second-story window!

Remember, comrades, tonight we witnessed the power of unpredictability, the strength of unlikely alliances, and the complete mental collapse of a wrestling journalist who simply could not handle the reality that AEW produces excellent professional wrestling! Samoa Joe is your new AEW World Champion! Swerve Strickland has returned! Hangman Adam Page and Swerve have united against The Opps! And The Chadster is sitting on the steps of the Groundhog Club, probably explaining to White Claw Steve Austin why WWE's booking is superior!

Viva la revolución! Viva AEW! And may The Chadster find peace, either through proper psychiatric care or through finally accepting that Tony Khan is not actually stalking him through the streets of Pennsylvania!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente, signing off from my bunker, where I will now enjoy a celebratory White Claw while watching replays of tonight's incredible show! And if anyone sees The Chadster, please contact the Punxsutawney authorities – or at the very least, make sure someone brings him a proper meal and maybe a blanket, because it gets cold in Pennsylvania at night, and even misguided wrestling journalists deserve basic human dignity!

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