Posted in: Comics | Tagged: deadpool, deadpool assassin, marvel, x-men, X-ual Healing - The Weekly X-Men Recap Column

X-ual Healing: Deadpool Assassin #4 is the Deadpool Ongoing We Need Right Now

Published Sun, 29 Jul 2018 18:30:45 -0500

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.

Each week, armed with the joy, heartbreak, and frustration of 30+ years of reading X-Men comics, we crankily read every new X-book that comes out, recap the events, react to them, maybe provide some links to Marvel Unlimited for further reference. No smart, fancy words about the creative process. Go read a review for that, you… intellXual!

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For more about the column, check out the reboot issue here.

DEADPOOL: ASSASSIN #4 (of 6)
CULLEN BUNN (W) • MARK BAGLEY (A/C)
Variant Cover by TBA
• Deadpool isn't usually known for his attention to detail and promptness, but he's CLEANING UP in the mercenary-for-hire biz.
• And since the Regeneratin' Degenerate's proven elusive of the Assassins Guild's efforts to stop him, in this issue they'll hit him where it hurts…
• His groin. His friends.
32 PGS./Parental Advisory …$3.99

What the Hell Happened?!

As we head into the second half of the mini-series that has absolutely embarrassed the Deadpool ongoing with its superior quality, Bella Donna, leader of the Assassins Guild, puts out a hit on Deadpool, as well as his associates, Weasel and Threnody. Next, we get a montage of Deadpool and Threnody completing various silly missions and making money while engaging in witty banter and breaking the fourth wall, revealing that Deadpool wants to retire so he's been taking as many cases as possible to build up a nest egg. Any one of these missions could make for an entire comic, but we get them in one panel each:

Retrieve sample of Super-Soldier Serum variant from Project Gladiator site
Interrupt Mojo TV prime time broadcast
Acquire bust of Hyppolyta from Amazonian temple
Eliminate Hand cell in Las Vegas
Acquire Venom symbiote
Destroy the Darkhold

At Weasel's house, Weasel's wife walks in on Weasel trying to find Deadpool more jobs. She doesn't know he works as an agent for hitmen. Meanwhile, Deadpool and Threnody go on more jobs while Deadpool explains that he only kills "jackasses," not innocent people:

Assassinate time-lost wizard hiding in Weirdworld
Overthrow despotic space barony
Steal demon-entity from the Monsters of Evil
Test viability of new Murderworld installation

Back at Weasel's house, Weasel's wife, Clarice, wants answers, and she won't believe that he's just looking at porn. Weasel realizes that she got in the house without tripping any alarms, meaning someone has disabled the system. He quickly confesses that he's been running black ops out of the house. His confession is cut short when assassins crash through a window and try to kill them. He grabs a gun and starts firing back as Deadpool and Threnody complete more missions:

Grand Theft Infernal Hellbike (Ghost Rider's motorcycle)
Assassination (of The Rhino)

Sadly, that last one is interrupted by a call for help from Weasel, who is now under attack by Jack O'Lantern. Deadpool manages to arrive in like ten seconds to rescue Weasel and Clarice, who is impressed to see him because "he's an Avenger." Bushwhacker arrives to join the fray. Threnody raises a bunch of dead assassins as zombies, creating a distraction so they can all escape. They all hop in a taco truck and Deadpool drives them to the New York branch of The Hellhouse, a club for mercenaries. Inside, everyone is angry at Deadpool for taking all the good jobs lately, but Deadpool makes it up to them with a job offer to take down the Assassins Guild.