Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite and Collision Set Stage for Full Gear PPV

El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite and Collision's 3-hour go-home show for Full Gear, plus an update on The Chadster's mashed potato incident!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious skybox at the Agganis Arena in Boston, which I won in a poker game against Kim Jong-un last month. (He thought a full house beat a straight flush. The man controls nuclear weapons, comrades!) But before we dive into last night's spectacular three-hour extravaganza of AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision, I must provide you with an update on my dear colleague, The Chadster. As you may recall, The Chadster has been recuperating in a local medical facility after an unfortunate incident involving oxygen deprivation during his viewing of WWE Raw. Just this morning, I received word that The Chadster caused quite the commotion in the cafeteria when he became convinced that someone had sculpted his mashed potatoes to look exactly like Tony Khan's face!

According to the nurses, The Chadster began screaming, "He's everywhere! He's even in The Chadster's food now!" and proceeded to flip his entire lunch tray across the room, splattering what was apparently just ordinary mashed potatoes all over three innocent orderlies. Security had to be called when The Chadster barricaded himself under his table, wielding a plastic fork and demanding that Tony Khan "stop personally ruining his life through processed potato products." The hilarity that ensued, comrades! The other patients thought it was dinner theater! One elderly woman even applauded! I wish The Chadster the speediest of recoveries, though I must admit, his paranoia provides endless entertainment. Get well soon, amigo!

Now then, let us discuss this magnificent go-home show for Full Gear! AEW Dynamite and Collision aired together as one glorious three-hour block, followed by an hour of Road to Full Gear, because Collision's usual Saturday timeslot will be occupied by the pay-per-view itself. This reminds me of the time I had to reschedule my annual military parade because it conflicted with the finale of The Bachelor, and I simply could not miss it. My generals were furious, but love is love, comrades!

The night began with Bobby Lashley facing Ricochet to determine who would enter the Casino Gauntlet Match at Full Gear at the number one spot. Ricochet made the mistake of grabbing a microphone before the match to praise Philadelphia sports teams and rile the good people of Boston. Comrades, I have learned from my many years of dictatorship that you never insult the locals before trying to fight someone! It is like when I visited Havana and told Raúl Castro that Cuban cigars were overrated. I woke up the next morning tied to a palm tree with a note that said "Try our coffee instead." The man holds a grudge!

Lashley absolutely demolished Ricochet, throwing him around like a rag doll and even tossing Bishop Kaun and Toa Liona around for good measure. The match ended when Lashley caught Ricochet's attempted finishing move and planted him with a devastating spear. Bobby Lashley will enter at number one in the Casino Gauntlet, comrades! This is both a blessing and a curse, much like when the CIA sends you a fruit basket. Yes, the fruit is delicious, but you must wonder what listening devices they've hidden in the pineapple!

Next, we had a backstage segment where Samoa Joe sent Katsuyori Shibata after Hangman Adam Page. Joe's promo was menacing and effective, promising that Page's "world of joy and happiness" would soon change. This reminds me of what I told the leader of the opposition party in my country right before I "accidentally" scheduled his speaking tour during monsoon season. Politics is all about timing, comrades!

The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson) teamed with Josh Alexander to face SkyFlight (Scorpio Sky, Dante Martin, and Darius Martin) in what turned out to be a spectacular trios match. Comrades, Dante Martin performed moves that defied gravity itself! It reminded me of the time I watched Fidel Castro attempt parkour at age 82. The physics should not have worked, but somehow it did! Though in Fidel's case, it ended with a trip to the hospital and a very angry physiotherapist.

The match ended when Alexander locked in an ankle lock on Dante while the Bucks held off his partners. But the real story came after the match when Don Callis tried to pressure the Young Bucks into officially joining the Don Callis Family. Callis made a veiled threat about what happened to Kenny Omega, and speaking of the devil, Omega was there.

Comrades, Kenny Omega returned with a chair and fought off the entire Family until Alexander attacked his injured leg. The Bucks were about to hit Omega with their finishing move on Callis's orders when Jurassic Express made the save! Jungle Jack Perry had a snow shovel and Luchasaurus had a vacuum cleaner, which may be the most random collection of weapons I have seen since I raided a CIA safe house and found a rubber chicken, three pool noodles, and a signed photograph of Ronald Reagan. To this day, I have no idea what operation they were planning!

Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron, the Babes of Wrath, cut a promo about their upcoming semifinal match in the Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament. Cameron reminded everyone that they defeated Mercedes Moné and Athena last week, which is no small feat. This is like when I defeated both the IMF and the World Bank in negotiations on the same day. Yes, I was unfairly persecuted with international sanctions afterward, but I felt victorious, and that is what counts!

We then had a touching tribute to the late Bob Caudle from Tony Schiavone. Comrades, it is important to honor our legends. This is why I declared a national holiday last year in memory of my favorite soap opera character who died on Days of Our Lives. My cabinet thought I had lost my mind, but I stand by that decision!

Shelton Benjamin defeated Speedball Mike Bailey in an absolutely tremendous match to earn the number two spot in the Casino Gauntlet. Bailey kicked Benjamin so many times I lost count! It was like watching a very athletic version of when I got into an argument with Hugo Chávez about who made better arepas, and we settled it with a slap-fighting contest. (I won, but only because Hugo slipped on a banana peel. Victory is victory, comrades!)

Benjamin survived Bailey's onslaught and finished him with a devastating thrust kick. This means Benjamin will start the Casino Gauntlet match against Lashley, and comrades, one can only hope that the Hurt Syndicate will not be too affected by this! MVP watched from ringside with great satisfaction, proving once again that having friends in high places helps. Or in my case, having blackmail material on friends in high places helps even more!

The Death Riders' Claudio Castagnoli and Jon Moxley faced Roderick Strong and Orange Cassidy in a brutal tag team match that spilled all over the arena. Comrades, they fought in the crowd, over the guardrails, up the stairs – it was like watching my security forces chase a rogue chicken through the presidential palace! (Long story, comrades. The chicken was never apprehended.)

The Death Riders won when Castagnoli hit a massive uppercut on Cassidy, allowing Moxley to lock in his submission hold. But after the match, Kyle O'Reilly ran out and put Moxley in an ankle lock, refusing to release it even as the rest of the Death Riders tried to break it up! O'Reilly then challenged Moxley to a no holds barred match at Full Gear, reminding everyone that Moxley tapped out at Blood & Guts. This type of vengeful determination reminds me of my ongoing feud with the CIA. They thought they could break me with their economic sanctions, but I simply started a TikTok account and now make more money from sponsorships than my country's entire GDP!

Brody King and Bandido, collectively known as Brodido, cut a backstage promo promising to defeat FTR at Full Gear and retain their AEW World Tag Team Championships. Later, Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler of FTR responded with their own promo, confidently stating they would become three-time AEW Tag Team Champions. Comrades, the confidence on both sides is admirable! It reminds me of the time I played chess against Muammar Gaddafi, and we were both so confident in victory that we had already commissioned statues of ourselves winning before the match even began. I lost, but my statue is still nicer!

Kenny Omega and Jurassic Express cut a promo about their six-man tag match against the Don Callis Family at Full Gear. Omega made it clear that Josh Alexander made things personal by attacking Kota Ibushi and Michael Nakazawa, and no amount of money will save Callis and his goons. Comrades, loyalty to one's friends is admirable! Unless, of course, those friends know where you buried the bodies. Then it becomes complicated.

The first Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament quarterfinal saw Timeless Toni Storm and Mina Shirakawa, the Timeless Love Bombs, defeat Alex Windsor and Riho in an excellent match. Storm and Shirakawa had matching ring gear and a synchronized entrance, which reminded me of the synchronized swimming routine I performed with Nicolás Maduro at a state dinner. We scored a perfect 10 from the judges, though admittedly, we were also the judges. The Timeless Love Bombs advance to the semifinals and will face the winners of the other quarterfinal later in the night.

Kyle Fletcher, the TNT Champion, had a backstage confrontation with Mark Briscoe before their no disqualification match at Full Gear, where if Briscoe loses, he must join the Don Callis Family. Don Callis said he would make Briscoe's children orphans, which comrades, is perhaps a bit far even by dictator standards! And I once threatened to nationalize someone's birthday! After the segment, Kazuchika Okada and Fletcher shook hands and coined the term "PROTOKADA," which sounds like a new pharmaceutical drug. Side effects may include excessive wrestling talent and an inability to lose!

PAC cut a promo challenging Darby Allin to a match at Full Gear with no weapons, just pure wrestling ability. PAC claimed that without his "bells and whistles," Darby cannot compete with a legitimate athlete. Comrades, this reminds me of when the CIA challenged me to a fair election and I showed up with ballot boxes that were mysteriously pre-filled. They said I cheated, but I simply called it "efficient democracy"!

The main event of Dynamite saw Hangman Adam Page defeat Katsuyori Shibata in a hard-hitting non-title match, despite Samoa Joe watching from the commentary desk. Shibata resorted to dirty tactics including a low blow, but Page overcame everything and hit the Buckshot Lariat for the victory. After the match, Page cut an intense promo reminding Joe that he's already sent Will Hobbs and Shibata to the hospital, and he'll do the same to Joe inside the steel cage at Full Gear. Comrades, threatening your opponent with hospitalization before a big match is classic psychological warfare! I do the same thing before budget meetings with my finance minister!

In the second Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament quarterfinal, Megan Bayne and Marina Shafir defeated TayJay (Tay Melo and Anna Jay) when Shafir locked in her Mother's Milk submission on Jay. This sets up a semifinal match against the Timeless Love Bombs, and comrades, Storm and Shirakawa cut a post-match promo suggesting various stipulations including a Taipei Death Match! Storm even threatened to make Jon Moxley "piss himself with blood," which is both anatomically confusing and utterly terrifying!

The Double Jeopardy Match saw AEW Unified Champion Kazuchika Okada defeat CMLL World Trios Champion Máscara Dorada to earn a Trios Title shot for the Don Callis Family. This match had high stakes for both men, much like when I played poker with Vladimir Putin with control of a small oil field on the line. I lost, but joke's on him – the oil field was actually just a very large puddle that I had been calling an oil field for tax purposes!

Okada survived Dorada's aerial assault and eventually hit the Rainmaker for the victory. Don Callis then announced that Okada, Hechicero, and the returning Konosuke Takeshita would challenge Sky Team for the CMLL World Trios Championship at the AEW Tailgate Brawl on Saturday before Full Gear! Okada did not look pleased about this news, probably because Takeshita stole his spotlight. Comrades, I understand this feeling! Just last week, my Minister of Agriculture announced a new farming initiative during my birthday celebration, completely overshadowing my 47-minute speech about my accomplishments! He now works in the "Department of Counting Grains of Rice."

The main event of Collision was the Undisputed ROH Women's World TV Championship Match, where Mercedes Moné defeated Red Velvet to unify the interim and lineal titles. AEW Women's World Champion Kris Statlander watched from the commentary desk, as she will face Moné for her championship at Full Gear.

Comrades, this was an absolutely spectacular match! Red Velvet pushed Moné to her limits, kicking out of numerous pin attempts and nearly submitting the CEO with various submission holds. But in the end, Moné hit a top-rope lungblower and secured the pinfall victory to become the undisputed champion. After the match, Moné attacked Statlander at the commentary desk, hitting a Meteora and locking in the Statement Maker while holding up Statlander's championship! This is the type of psychological warfare I admire! It is like when I had a statue of myself erected directly across from the American embassy. Every morning, the ambassador had to look at my bronze face smiling at him. He requested a transfer within six months!

Comrades, this three-hour spectacular of AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision was everything a go-home show should be! Every match and segment built anticipation for Full Gear, and I cannot wait to see how these storylines conclude on Saturday night!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my presidential palace. I have received word that The Chadster has escaped from the medical facility and is currently wandering the streets of Punxsutawney, convinced that every person wearing glasses is Tony Khan in disguise. The local authorities are searching for him, but apparently, he's quite elusive when motivated by paranoid delusions!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW! And someone please find The Chadster before he accuses another innocent bystander of being Tony Khan!

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