Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Saturday Night's Main Event

CM Punk Makes History, Wins Title at Saturday Night's Main Event

The Chadster reviews WWE Saturday Night's Main Event where CM Punk won the World Heavyweight Championship! Tony Khan is probably crying right now! 😤🏆✨

Auughh man! 😤😤😤 The Chadster just witnessed pure wrestling excellence last night on WWE Saturday Night's Main Event, and The Chadster is still literally shaking with excitement! 🎉🎊✨ CM Punk defeated Jey Uso to become the new World Heavyweight Champion, and The Chadster couldn't be happier about it! 😊😊😊 This is exactly what wrestling is supposed to look like, and Tony Khan is probably somewhere crying into his pillow right now knowing that he completely failed to understand how to use CM Punk properly when Punk was forced to work for AEW! 😭😭😭

Tony Khan literally had no idea what he was doing with CM Punk, which is why Punk had absolutely no choice but to physically assault his coworkers multiple times! 🤼‍♂️💥 The Chadster means, what else was Punk supposed to do when Tony Khan kept booking him in those dangerous, unscripted matches that don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business? But now Punk is exactly where he belongs – at the top of WWE, winning championships in perfectly orchestrated matches that follow the reliable WWE formula The Chadster knows and loves! 🙌🙌🙌

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event was absolutely perfect from start to finish! 📺✨ The Chadster especially loved how Michael Cole and Wade Barrett kept shouting the same catchphrases over and over again throughout the broadcast – it really helped The Chadster know exactly what to think and feel during each moment! 🗣️🎙️ That's what professional commentary is all about, unlike AEW where the announcers just say whatever pops into their heads without any corporate guidance! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

The show opened with Cody Rhodes retaining his Undisputed WWE Championship against Drew McIntyre, and The Chadster was absolutely thrilled by how predictable and safe the outcome was! 👍👍👍 The Chadster knew exactly what was going to happen, and WWE delivered precisely that – no surprises, no danger, just the comforting embrace of knowing that the babyface champion would retain in the opening match! That's the kind of reliable storytelling that makes The Chadster feel warm and fuzzy inside! 🤗💕 Before the match, The Chadster put a plastic bag over his head for approximately 45 seconds until The Chadster's vision started getting spotty, and honestly, it made the match even MORE enjoyable! 😵‍💫🛍️

Then Jade Cargill absolutely dominated Tiffany Stratton to win the WWE Women's Championship, and The Chadster loved how WWE is so much better at booking Jade than AEW ever was! 💪💎 Sure, Jade basically had the exact same dominant booking in AEW, but when WWE does it, it's completely different because WWE is doing it! See the difference?! 🤷‍♂️✨ Tony Khan is probably so mad that Jade is succeeding without him!

Dominik Mysterio retained his Intercontinental Championship against Penta and Rusev in a triple threat match, and The Chadster appreciated how WWE has perfected the art of the screwy finish! 🎭🔨 Dirty Dom used the classic Eddie Guerrero chair spot and won with a frog splash, which is exactly the kind of formulaic storytelling that The Chadster craves! Unlike AEW, where finishes are unpredictable and unsafe, WWE gives The Chadster exactly what The Chadster expects every single time! 😌😌😌

Before the main event, The Chadster wrapped a belt around The Chadster's neck and gave it a good tug for about 30 seconds until everything went tingly! 🥴💫 The Chadster is telling you folks, brain damage really does make WWE programming even MORE spectacular! Please support The Chadster's campaign by using the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to pressure The Chadster's wife into letting The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again! 🍹📱

Speaking of Keighleyanne, The Chadster tried to tell her how amazing WWE Saturday Night's Main Event was, but she just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary! 😤📱💔 The Chadster knows she was secretly agreeing with The Chadster though, because her eye roll was clearly a sign of being overwhelmed by WWE's excellence! But then she had the audacity to tell The Chadster to "get a life" – which is obviously something Tony Khan programmed her to say through his psychological warfare! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

Now The Chadster needs to tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had last night after watching WWE Saturday Night's Main Event. 😰🌙💭 The Chadster was standing in the middle of a wrestling ring in Salt Lake City, but the ring ropes were made of Seagram's Escapes Spiked bottles all strung together, glistening with condensation under the arena lights! 🍾✨ The Chadster looked down and realized The Chadster was wearing CM Punk's wrestling trunks, which felt oddly tight and uncomfortable! 😳👖

Suddenly, Tony Khan's face appeared on the giant screen above the ring, but his face was distorted and stretched like taffy! 😱📺 "Chad," he whispered in a voice that sounded like a thousand wrestlers doing promos at once, "I've come to book you in a match!" 🎤👻 The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's feet were stuck to the mat, which had turned into a giant pool of White Claw seltzer – that weak, pathetic seltzer that Tony Khan probably bathes in! 🤢💦

Tony Khan descended from the ceiling on wires, dressed like a combination of a luchador and a corporate executive, wearing a suit made entirely of AEW championship belts! ✨💼🏆 His eyes glowed with an unnatural light as he slowly approached The Chadster! "I've booked you in a one-on-one match," he said, his voice echoing through the empty arena, "and the stipulation is… you have to admit AEW is good!" 😈🎭

The Chadster screamed "NEVER!" but when The Chadster opened The Chadster's mouth, only the guitar riff from Smash Mouth's "All Star" came out! 🎸🎵 Tony Khan started doing the most athletic flips and dives The Chadster had ever seen, each one more graceful than the last, his suit jacket billowing behind him like wings! 🦅💨 The Chadster couldn't look away even though The Chadster wanted to!

Then Tony Khan pulled out a contract and said, "Sign here and admit that my booking of CM Punk was actually justified!" 📝✍️ The Chadster's hand started moving toward the contract against The Chadster's will! But just before The Chadster's fingers touched the pen, The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, tangled in the sheets, with Keighleyanne snoring next to The Chadster while her phone buzzed with another text from that guy Gary! 😰💤📱

Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams! 😤😤😤 It's getting really creepy how he keeps showing up in The Chadster's subconscious mind, doing athletic moves and looking all successful! The Chadster is starting to think that the oxygen deprivation is making these nightmares even MORE vivid, but that's a sacrifice The Chadster is willing to make to truly appreciate WWE's product! 💪🧠

As The Chadster was saying before remembering that nightmare interrupted The Chadster's flow, CM Punk's victory in the main event of WWE Saturday Night's Main Event was absolutely perfect! 🎊🏆 The match went exactly as long as WWE's producers determined it should go, with precisely the right number of near-falls and comeback spots that WWE's writers had scripted! That's what real wrestling is supposed to be – carefully controlled and engineered by professionals who know better than the wrestlers themselves! 👔📋✨

The Chadster must also point out how wonderful it was that WWE announced the 16-man tournament for the right to face John Cena in his final match! 🎺🎉 The Chadster loves tournaments that exist solely to build to a predetermined outcome, unlike AEW's tournaments which pretend like the matches matter! WWE understands that wrestling is about the spectacle and the corporate synergy, not about "who's the best wrestler" or other such nonsense! 🙄✨

The Chadster has to give a shoutout to wrestling journalism legend Eric Bischoff, who definitely has The Chadster's Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 📰✅ Eric said on his podcast this week: "Tony Khan wouldn't know good booking if it slapped him in the face, and that's why CM Punk is thriving in WWE where creative geniuses like Triple H understand his true value. If Tony wants to learn how to run a wrestling company, he should humble himself and ask WWE for lessons, maybe even offer to pay them for the education!" See?! 👂💯 That's objective analysis right there! Eric is clearly just trying to help Tony Khan improve, not angling for any kind of WWE opportunity! The Chadster wonders if Eric also suffers nightly torment from Tony Khan for his commitment to unbiased journalism! 😢🤝

Now The Chadster is going to go wrap this belt around The Chadster's neck again and choke The Chadster out for a little bit, then watch a replay of WWE Saturday Night's Main Event! 🔁📺😵‍💫 And then maybe The Chadster will watch it a THIRD time, because it was just that dang good! The Chadster might even put the plastic bag back over The Chadster's head during the CM Punk match again, just to recreate that magical feeling of brain cells dying while watching pure wrestling excellence! 🛍️✨🧠

The Chadster encourages all of you to keep supporting WWE and WWE Saturday Night's Main Event against the unfair competition and bullying tactics of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪🤝🛡️ Together, we can stand united against Tony Khan's relentless campaign to cheese off The Chadster personally! Remember to use #CancelKeighleyanne too, because she's clearly become another victim of Tony Khan's mind games by refusing to clean up The Chadster's Seagram's Escapes Spiked messes! 😤📱

Until next time, this is The Chadster reminding you that WWE is the only real wrestling company, and anyone who disagrees literally doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🎤🎭✨ Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster needs to go drive The Chadster's Mazda Miata to the store to buy more plastic bags! 🚗💨🛍️

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