Impact Results: Moose and Swann's Chances of Winning at Sacrifice

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, here to bring you the most glorious of all Impact Wrestling recaps. At least, that is what all the people tell me. And why would they have to lie? Okay, perhaps because they do not want to die like dogs when I have them rounded up by my secret police and executed for daring to defy me. Haw haw haw haw haw!

Moose receives some aggravating news on Impact Wrestling.
Moose receives some aggravating news on Impact Wrestling.

Impact Wrestling Results – March 9th, 2021

I'm just going to say it, comrades. Impact has the best theme song of any weekly wrestling show.

Tasha Steelz vs. Jazz

Tasha Steelz faces Jazz with each of their partners at ringside, ahead of their match for the titles at Sacrifice this weekend. Jordynne Grace, a favorite among the Twitch chatters, keeps Kiera Hogan in check. Jazz wins a succinct and entertaining opening match. Good for Jazz, comrades. If I gave up every time someone said that coup attempts were a young man's game, I would never have become the greatest leader in my country's history!

Winner: Jazz
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Gia Miller interviews ODB. ODB touts her TNA cred and says she'll win the Knockouts Championship at Sacrifice. Susan interrupts, and ODB calls her Karen. Susan demands a one-on-one match. ODB accepts. Susan says she won't need her comrades to win tonight. Susan, there is strength in numbers. You should always rely on your comrades.

Trey Miguel catches up with his friend from wrestling school who Sami Callihan indoctrinated last week, whose name is Sam Beale. He is totally brainwashed against Trey and challenges him to a match tonight. That is some impressive work. Even some of my finest indoctrination facilities can't brainwash someone that fast, comrades.


Video package for Moose vs. Rich Swann.

Shera and Rohit Raju vs. Chris Sabin and James Storm

This match started as an argument at a casino, which should serve as a lesson to everyone in the evils of capitalism. Unfortunately, the message is mixed here because Sabin and Storm win the match.

Winners: Sabin and Storm
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Reno Scum argue with XXXL backstage about losing to Decay. Decay interrupt, and Rosemary taunts XXXL until they leave. Reno Scum aren't impressed, though, so Rosemary challenges them to a match. After they leave, Crazzy Steve calls them "a couple of freaks." That isn't nice, comrade.

Eric Young and Joe Doering are getting ready to torture Deaner some more when Storm and Sabin interrupt. Storm tells Young that what he's doing to Deaner is wrong and Young should know better. Violent by Design beat down Storm and Sabin and tell them to mind their own business. You know, I am always saying that same thing to the American CIA. They never listen.

Weekly Twitch celebration of the Steiner Math promo.

Brian Myers talks to Scott D'Amore about his lawsuit against Impact. He wants D'Amore to fire Eddie Edwards, and he'll drop the suit. D'Amore books Myers in a "Hold Harmless" match at Sacrifice against Edwards, which he explains is a legalese way of saying hardcore match. I don't know why Scott D'Amore bothers with all of these fancy words. Just say, "amigos, you will die like dogs in the match at Sacrifice." They should put El Presidente in charge of Impact Wrestling.

Trey Miguel vs. Sam Beale

Callihan cuts a promo before this match, calling Trey a quitter. He says Trey's friend Sam Beale is his new protege, and he's going to beat Trey tonight. He doesn't, though. Trey makes him tap in under a minute.

Winner: Trey Miguel
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Trey goes after Sami, but Sami hacks reality, teleports into the ring, and hits a piledriver on Beale. Now, comrades, I am the first to admit that my regime was not the most advanced in terms of technology, thanks to stupid American trade embargoes, but I am pretty sure that is not the way hacking works.

James Storm and Chris Sabin are pissed off at their old TNA buddy Eric Young and cut a promo on him. They're going to fight Deaner and Doering at Sacrifice. Jake Something shows up and offers to back them up at ringside. Good. First, it is Jake Something joining with Storm and Sabin. Before you know it, the world will all join together in the brotherhood of socialism.

Tony Schiavone talks about the great butyrate of Evolution. Tony Khan talks about the events of Revolution and promotes tomorrow's Dynamite, referencing Christian Cage's TNA past. Khan blames the exploding ring botch on Kenny Omega in kayfabe and says we'll learn more about why Eddie Kingston sold that crap on Dynamite tomorrow. Schiavone runs through the rest of tomorrow's card. I'll tell you what, comrades, it took a real set of cojones to show up here tonight and do anything other than spend the entire "paid ad" apologizing profusely.

The Good Brothers and FinJuice meet with Scott D'Amore in Impact's fanciest conference room. D'Amore leaves them with the contract and some bottles of whiskey and tells them to get it signed. They goad each other into doing a few shots before signing. After signing, FinJuice throw their whiskey in the Good Brothers' faces, and they brawl. I would have them imprisoned in my dungeon for a year if it was my whiskey they wasted like that.

Ace Austin vs. Chris Bey

Austin tells Madman Fulton to sit in a chair and stay out of this match. He wants to beat Bey on his own and prove that he can. That turns out to be a poor choice because Bey wins the match. Comrades, what have I been saying? Individuality will get you nowhere.

Winner: Chris Bey
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

TJP collects on a bet he placed on that match at Swinger's Place. Josh Alexander shows up to talk some trash to TJP. He wants a match for the X-Division Championship after Sacrifice.

Rohit Raju berates Shera, blaming him for losing the match tonight. Shera picks him up by his head and shoves him against a wall. "I don't owe you anything! Do you understand!" Loud and clear, comrade. Haw haw haw haw!

ODB vs. Susan

Susan stays true to her word and faces ODB alone. And she loses. Comrades, have you noticed a theme tonight?

Winner: ODB
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

But it was a setup for an attack. Deonna Purrazzo and Kimber Lee attack. Jazz and Jordynne Grace come out to help ODB. But Fire N' Flava join, and the heels stand tall.

The commentary team talks about the card for Sacrifice on Saturday.

Moose is in the ring. He calls out Scott D'Amore, who he heard has an announcement to make about Moose's match at Sacrifice. D'Amore is in his office talking to a mysterious someone. He says it's time to make the announcement.

D'Amore heads to the ring. It takes him a while to get there because there's an entire commercial break. D'Amore finally gets to the ring. He invites Rich Swann to join them. Both Moose and Swann have their world championships. D'Amore says Moose's TNA Championship has been bothering D'Amore, so at Sacrifice, both titles will be on the line in a world title unification match. Swann and Moose start to pose with their belts, but D'Amore has one more thing to tell them. The winner at Sacrifice will be in the main event of Rebellion on April 24th in another title vs. title match against Kenny Omega. "Impact Wrestling has just broken the internet!" shouts Matt Striker. It still seems to be working for me, comrade.

Aha! Don Callis was the one in D'Amore's office. He's on the phone with Omega. He says, "It's done. Just like we planned."

And that's the end of Impact Wrestling this week. That was one hell of an ending, comrades, and that match at Rebellion sounds like a huge deal. We will be writing many clickbait articles about that here at Bleeding Cool, won't we? Haw haw haw haw! Until next time, my friends: socialism or death.

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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