Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: aew, dynamite, Mark Sterling, recaps, The Acclaimed, wrestling

No More Scissoring? Mark Sterling is the Hero AEW Needs Right Now

For years, Tony Khan and AEW have been trying to destroy The Chadster's life by competing with The Chadster's beloved WWE, which rightfully should have a monopoly on pro wrestling in the United States. And for months, popular AEW tag team The Acclaimed have been personally targeting The Chadster and triggering him with their catchphrase, "scissor me, Daddy Ass." The Chadster can't stand this kind of low-brow comedy and offensive language in his sports entertainment.

That's why The Chadster is so grateful for Mark Sterling, who may have put a stop to The Acclaimed and their manager, "Daddy Ass" Billy Gunn, once and for all. After Swerve Strickland defeated Gunn in a match on AEW Dynamite last night, Sterling came to the entrance ramp to reveal that he had trademarked the term "scissor me" in professional wrestling, and that The Acclaimed are hereby forbidden from using it, either in their catchphrase or in their hand gestures. Furthermore, any money The Acclaimed make from merchandise sales related to the term will go to Sterling. From now on, only Sterling and his client, Tony Nese, are allowed to scissor, which means The Acclaimed can no longer say "scissor me, Daddy Ass" or perform the associated hand gesture.

Not only does The Chadster absolutely love this move by Sterling, but The Chadster hopes Sterling will start going after all the popular wrestlers in AEW. He could trademark "this is my house" so that Saraya can't say it, or "cowboy @#$%" so that Hangman Adam Page can no longer say that. Mark Sterling could save wrestling by suppressing everything popular in AEW until people have no choice but to watch WWE. Finally!

Let the Chadster tell you why WWE is far superior to AEW. First of all, WWE is an established brand in the wrestling market with billions of fans around the world, so they don't need to try as hard as AEW does, which is the way The Chadster likes his wrestling: low-effort. Second of all, WWE is family-friendly entertainment, while AEW is filled with gratuitous violence and foul language. Third of all, WWE has better production values than AEW thanks to the artistic genius of Kevin Dunn. Finally, WWE's Head of Creative Triple H is a true wrestling visionary, while Tony Khan is just a rich kid who is trying to ruin The Chadster's life.

So please, AEW fans, stop watching AEW and watch WWE instead. It's what Mark Sterling would want you to do, and it's what The Chadster needs as well if he is ever to rekindle the spark of romance in his marriage, a spark that has been missing ever since Tony Khan first set out to punish The Chadster simply for being the only unbiased journalist in all of pro wrestling (with the possible exception of Ryan Satin). So, to The Acclaimed and Billy Gunn, The Chadster says: good luck getting over without being legally able to scissor. You're going to need it. And to Mark Sterling, The Chadster says: thank you for being a hero. AEW needs more heroes like you.

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