Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Season 5 Episode 4: Never Trust a Snake

Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, bringing you a recap of the latest episode of my once-favorite reality TV show, MTV's Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. I say once-favorite because my patience grows thin with the show during the pandemic era, as an inability to have its cast members interact with normal people has forced them to rely too heavily on obviously staged drama between the roommates stretched out across several episodes at a time. While the original Jersey Shore would see the guidos and guidettes engage in several days' worth of binge drinking and casual sex per episode, now a single night can last four episodes or more.

Jersey Shore: Family Vacation
In the line of the night, Vinny suggested Angelina could eat some live rodents for breakfast after pointing out her snake-patterned outfit fit her snake-like behavior. [Jersey Shore: Family Vacation screencap]
This episode, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Season 5 Episode 4 "Meatballs Don't Hike" focused on Deena, Angelina, and J-Woww's "girl's trip" to visit Vinny in Los Angeles. Angelina and Deena arrived during the last episode to learn that the trip, originally designed to check up on Vinny in case he felt lonely, was pointless because he had already sold his house and was planning to move back to the East Coast, leaving the day after they arrived. In this episode, Jenni arrived after flight cancellations forced her to travel from New Jersey to California via Florida and Canada, and the group vowed to enjoy their one day in the city before heading home.

That entailed visiting a mountain for a hike, with the girls complaining as soon as they left the car and deciding to take a selfie at the bottom of the mountain and just go to a restaurant, leading to the episode's title. A side-plot in New Jersey saw The Situation decide to have a second baptism due to losing the records of his first one and his newborn son needing those records to receive a baptism of his own. But the majority of this episode of Jersey Shore was spent with Vinny and Angelina constantly sniping at each other, sometimes physically wrestling, over the rumor Angelina started in the last episode that Vinny had gotten a girl pregnant.

Though Angelina admitted she made the rumor up in the last episode, she since doubled down, claiming her semi-estranged husband Chris actually heard the rumor and she was merely passing it along. Vinny ended his friendship with both of them, leading to Angelina secretly calling Chris to rile him up, later implying that he would commit physical violence against the Keto Guido the next time they saw each other in person.

Comrades, let this episode be a lesson to everyone: nothing good comes from starting baseless rumors. Just as an example, a few months ago, I played a prank on my good friend, Russian President Vladimir Putin, when I told him that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky called him a "little bitch" behind his back. Well, imagine my surprise, amigos, when Putin amassed over a hundred thousand troops on the border of Ukraine, threatening invasion and setting off an international conflict that could lead to World War 3. Sure, I could come clean and tell Putin it was all a big joke, potentially preventing the complete nuclear annihilation of the planet… but I'm not going to do that, comrades. El Presidente never backs down from a good joke. Haw haw haw haw!

Now, if you need me, comrades, I'll be in my bunker. Until the next episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, remember… socialism or death!

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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