Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw People's Review: The Stage is Set for Clash in Paris

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from his secret bunker! Roman Reigns battles The Vision's forces while your favorite dictator explains socialist wrestling theory.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the secret bunker beneath my solid gold statue in the capital square, where I am currently hiding from both the CIA and my own finance minister who keeps asking questions about "budgetary irregularities!" But more importantly, Bleeding Cool is still trying to locate Chad McMahon, who was last seen hiding from his wife in the bathroom after an unfortunate incident involving a frozen malt alcohol beverage and an AEW PPV. Our thoughts go out to Chad, his wife Keighleyanne, and that guy Gary whom Keighleyanne is always texting. In the meantime, your favorite dictator must step in to review WWE Raw from Birmingham, England!

Comrades, watching Roman Reigns open the show reminded me of the time Fidel Castro and I were discussing crowd manipulation techniques over mojitos in Havana. "El Presidente," Fidel said, "the key to controlling the masses is to make them think they're acknowledging you by choice!" Brilliant! Roman had those British comrades eating from his hand like they were waiting in a bread line during the glory days of the Soviet Union. The man discussed his ongoing issues with The Vision, and when Bronson Reed came out claiming to be the real Samoan, it was like watching two revolutionary factions argue over who truly represents the proletariat!

Dragon Lee defeated JD McDonagh in what I can only describe as a match that would make Chairman Mao weep with joy. The way Lee executed that Operation Dragon was smoother than the time I escaped CIA custody using only a spoon and interpretive dance!

Kofi Kingston's victory over Penta via Trouble in Paradise was acceptable, though I must say, comrades, the New Day's continued mourning period reminds me of North Korea's mandatory grieving period, except somehow less cheerful. At least Kim Jong-un knows how to throw a parade!

The verbal sparring between Becky Lynch and Nikki Bella was more intense than the time Hugo Chávez and I got into an argument about who had the better state-run television network! Lynch refusing to wrestle in Birmingham while calling it a dump and bringing up the late Ozzy Osborne? That's the kind of heel heat that would make even Putin jealous! Though I must say, Bella claiming her name will always be more famous than Lynch's is like me claiming my secret police are more popular than free elections – technically possible but highly questionable!

Speaking of victories for the people, Rhea Ripley defeated Roxanne Perez with the Riptide, proving once again that Australian socialism is alive and well! The post-match save by Iyo Sky was like watching the Warsaw Pact nations come together, except with better choreography and fewer tanks.

AJ Styles defeating Finn Balor with the Styles Clash was a victory for the common worker! The Judgment Day continues to crumble like capitalism in my economic textbooks. Their internal strife reminds me of my own cabinet meetings, except with fewer poison darts and more Irish accents.

The main event between LA Knight and Bron Breakker ended with Breakker's Super Spear victory, but comrades, the real story was the post-match mayhem! Seth Rollins interfering, then Jey Uso making the save, followed by CM Punk arriving like the Red Army at Berlin – it was beautiful socialist chaos! The Vision standing tall while the babyfaces fought among themselves? That's exactly what happened at last year's Dictators Anonymous meeting when we ran out of caviar!

This episode of WWE Raw was almost as entertaining as my weekly propaganda broadcasts, and that's saying something since I just added a musical segment featuring interpretive dance about grain production! The show brilliantly built toward Clash in Paris, which sounds like it will be more explosive than the time the CIA tried to smuggle democracy pamphlets in my baguette shipments.

Roman Reigns versus Bronson Reed promises to be a battle worthy of the October Revolution! And with all these intertwining storylines, WWE has created more complex alliances than the Non-Aligned Movement during the Cold War.

Until next time, comrades, remember: In socialist wrestling reviews, everyone gets five stars, but some get more five stars than others! Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my bunker – I hear the finance minister approaching with a calculator, and that never ends well for a dictator's recreational viewing schedule!

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