Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: aew rampage, recaps, wrestling

AEW Rampage Review: Tony Khan's Forbidden (Door) Siren Song

The Chadster suffers through AEW Rampage's worst episode yet! Tony Khan's siren song invades dreams, tempting innocent fans. Resist for WWE's sake! 😱🚫🔥

The Chadster is absolutely cheesed off right now! 😡😡😡 Last night's episode of AEW Rampage was quite possibly the worst episode of televised so-called wrestling The Chadster has ever seen, and that's really saying something. 🤢 The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan has the audacity to put this garbage on television and expect people to watch it. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

Let's start with the opening match, where Orange Cassidy took on two jobbers called The Outrunners in a handicap match. 🙄 Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 WWE would never book such a ridiculous match. The way Orange Cassidy just lazily beat two opponents at once is a mockery of everything professional wrestling should be. 😠 It's clear that Orange Cassidy doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business.

Moving on, The Chadster had to witness Roderick Strong team up with that no-good Gabe Kidd to take on The Infantry. 🙄 What really boiled The Chadster's blood was how this match was, like, the antithesis of everything a tag team encounter should be. No psychology. No finesse. Just a bunch of moves thrown together with zero regard for the art that is WWE's tag team wrestling. 😠 It's like Roderick Strong has completely forgotten the time he spent in NXT honing his craft; he's just tossing it aside for this sloppy representation of tag wrestling. 🤮 It's tragically clear that neither Roderick Strong nor Gabe Kidd have a single clue about maintaining the illustrious standards set by WWE's tag division. This mockery wouldn't last a minute on Monday Night Raw. 🚫

Next up was AR Fox vs. El Phantasmo, which was just a spotfest with no substance. 🎪 The Chadster couldn't help but think about how much better this match would have been if it was, say, Logan Paul vs. Rey Mysterio on WWE Raw. 💯 At least then we'd have some actual wrestling instead of this circus act. 🎭

The match between Dalton Castle and Shingo Takagi was another example of AEW's complete disregard for proper wrestling. 😒 Shingo Takagi might be impressive in Japan, but he's no Cody Rhodes. 🏆 And don't even get The Chadster started on Dalton Castle's ridiculous gimmick. WWE would never allow such nonsense. 🚫

Finally, the main event between Skye Blue and Queen Aminata was just offensive to The Chadster's sensibilities. 😤 These two women clearly don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. Neither of them was part of the Women's Evolution in WWE, and in fact haven't paid their dues in the WWE developmental system at all! The Chadster doesn't understand how people can be so disrespectful to the traditions WWE has established. 💁‍♀️ And the post-match angle with Red Velvet was just confusing. Tony Khan needs to learn how to book proper storylines. 📚

Speaking of Tony Khan, The Chadster had another one of those nightmares about him last night. 😱 The Chadster was a sailor on the S.S. Hulk Hogan, peacefully sailing the seas of professional wrestling. 🚢 Suddenly, Tony Khan rose out of the ocean inside a giant seashell, like some kind of demonic Venus, 🐚 his body wet and glistening like some grotesque and yet oddly appealing sea creature bathed in moonlight. 💦 His muscles rippled like the very waves themselves, each droplet of water cascading down his form playing upon The Chadster's deepest fears. 😨 It was as if Tony Khan had absorbed all the essence of the forbidden wrestling ocean, his smug, soaked appearance luring innocent minds into the abyss of AEW. 🌑 He started singing a siren song about how great Forbidden Door would be, almost causing The Chadster to steer the ship right into the rocks of AEW television. 🎵 Just before The Chadster sank into the murky depths of indie mudshow wrestling, he woke up in a cold sweat, his heart pounding, Khan's siren song still echoing in his head. 💦 The Chadster demands that Tony Khan stop being so obsessed with him and stay out of The Chadster's dreams! 😡

The Chadster wants to warn all the readers out there: Tony Khan will continue tempting you throughout the weekend to trick you into betraying WWE and ordering Forbidden Door on PPV. 🚨 You must resist for the sake of WWE! 💪 Don't let Tony Khan's siren song lure you into watching his subpar product. 🙉

If you accidentally watched AEW Rampage last night, The Chadster strongly advises you to cleanse your palate with some WWE programming as soon as possible. 🧼 Maybe rewatch some classic matches on Peacock or catch up on NXT. 📺 Anything to get the stench of AEW out of your system. 🚿

The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists in wrestling, and he can say with complete certainty that AEW Rampage is an affront to everything good and pure about professional wrestling. 📝 Tony Khan should be ashamed of himself for putting this show on the air. 😤

In conclusion, The Chadster hopes that all of you will make the right choice this weekend and avoid AEW Collision and Forbidden Door. 🙏 Stick with WWE, the only true wrestling company that knows how to do things right. 🏆 And Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are), please stop ruining The Chadster's life and leave the wrestling business to the professionals. 🛑

Now, if you'll excuse The Chadster, he needs to go throw a White Claw seltzer at the TV to cleanse it of last night's AEW Rampage broadcast. 🥤💥📺

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