Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from Nancy Pelosi's office in the Capitol. Unlike that mob of inbred idiots who invaded the Capitol last week, I have been invited to help work on the impeachment plans for Donald Trump. Before we get into recapping Impact Wrestling's Genesis special, I want to talk to you about something else.
Amigos, the job of a pro wrestling journalist at a publication as esteemed as Bleeding Cool is not an easy one. You may think it's all about posting news and analysis about pro wrestling, but there is so much more involved. For example, Bleeding Cool's video games editor, Gavin, is constantly pestering El Presidente, "Your Excellency, you must include the hashtags for all of your articles if you want to take proper advantage of social media traffic." Then there is Bleeding Cool's Editor-in-Chief, Kaitlyn who tells me, "Your Imminence, please be sure that all of your articles achieve the correct SEO score and meet minimum keyword-rich word count standards to maximize clicks." There is Rich Johnston, who is always begging El Presidente for the latest scoops from the comic book industry, which I sometimes share with him just so he will leave me alone and stop trying to talk to me about how Boris Johnson's politics are to the left of Hillary Clinton. Bitch, please. Then there is site's television editor, Ray, who is always nagging, "El Presidente, you cannot keep saying that the staff of Bleeding Cool are going to 'die like dogs' in your articles. It is very unsettling and we aren't really sure if you are joking."
Comrades, one day, all of them will die like dogs. But until then, I shall play their game. With that in mind, here is a paragraph of keyword-rich SEO-optimized text about Impact Genesis:
Impact Wrestling's first Impact Plus special of 2021, Genesis, emanates from Skyway Studios in Nashville, TN on Saturday, January 9th. With the Hard to Kill PPV only a week away, Genesis is focused primarily on the return of the Super X Cup tournament, which will take place entirely during the show. The tournament's brackets pit Ace Austin against Suicide, Daivari vs. Cousin Jake, Crazzy Steve vs. Trey Lamar, and KC Navarro vs. Blake Christian in the opening round, while the semi-finals and final will take place later in the night. In addition, Genesis features an I Quit match between Moose and Willie Mack that will, hopefully, settle the pair's differences once and for all. Finally, in the last advertised match of the show, Jazz delays her retirement one more time for a one-on-one match with Jordynne Grace. Of course, it would be surprising if there weren't at least a few developments in the matchups planned for Hard to Kill on tonight's show.
Impact Genesis Results Part 1
The opening video for Genesis talks about how much 2020 sucked and how good 2021 is going to be. If we are going to continue to watch the walls close in on Donald Trump, then count in El Presidente! Haw haw haw haw!
Ace Austin vs. Suicide
Ace Austin vs. Suicide is the first match in the first round of the Super X Cup. In the match video, Chris Sabin suggests that Suicide could be Christopher Daniels. Ace Austin has Madman Fulton at ringside with him for the match.
Suicide proves too much for Ace Austin to handle in a fair fight. Based on his moveset and body type, I am pretty sure he is my old political rival, Raul, under the mask. Did he escape the prison my secret police threw him in? Somebody had better look into that.
Luckily for Ace Austin, he is not alone. He has Madman Fulton at ringside with him to have his back. Fulton manages to provide a distraciton at the right time for Austin to hit the Fold and get the win.
Winner: Ace Austin
A fine opening match, but even El Presidente has trouble understanding exactly what differentiates X Division wrestling from all other wrestling these days. Oh well.
Bleeding Cool's live coverage of Impact Genesis continues, but I must pass the baton to Chad McMahon, a sad little man who will also one day die like a dog.