Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: New Champions Crowned in Last Raw of 2025

The Chadster reviews last night's perfect WWE Raw with the raccoon family! New Usos reign, Gunther dominates, and Tony Khan ruins New Year's Eve! 🦝😤

Auughh man! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has to tell you all about last night's absolutely perfect episode of WWE Raw, but first, The Chadster needs to share what happened before the show. Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten hot dog he found behind the abandoned Blockbuster, and all five raccoons settled in to watch WWE Raw with The Chadster on the old store TV! 🦝🦝🦝 Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon were chittering with excitement before the show even started, and Linda Raccoon groomed The Chadster's matted hair while they watched. It was so beautiful! 😭😭

WWE Raw opened with The Vision, and The Chadster just has to say how amazing it is that WWE knows exactly how to script every single word of their promos! 📝✨ Paul Heyman delivered his lines with the precision of someone reading from a teleprompter engineered by professional writers, and that's exactly what makes WWE superior! Austin Theory stood there looking appropriately submissive to the group, which is perfect booking after he was literally the center of a mystery angle just last week! Bron Breakker cut a promo about being "the now" instead of "the future," and CM Punk came out to tell him he's not ready. Vincent K. Raccoon chittered SO loudly when Punk laid the title on the mat! 🦝👏 The Chadster doesn't speak raccoon (though he is learning), but The Chadster is pretty sure he was saying, "That's good ****, pal."

The three-way Women's Championship match between Stephanie Vaquer, Nikki Bella, and Raquel Rodriguez was absolutely flawless! 💪💪 The Chadster loves how WWE keeps putting Nikki Bella in title matches even though everyone knows she's not going to win because that's what predictable, safe booking is all about! The Chadster felt so comfortable knowing exactly what would happen, and Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster a soggy french fry during the match as if to celebrate WWE's commitment to formulaic excellence! 🍟🦝 Vaquer retained the title in under twenty minutes because WWE times everything perfectly with commercial breaks that give The Chadster time to check the abandoned Blockbuster for any Tony Khan-trained possums trying to infiltrate the raccoon family's nest!

Then Gunther absolutely DESTROYED R-Truth in a squash match, making him tap out in just 3 minutes and 29 seconds! 😍😍 The Chadster knows that some people might say WWE is punishing R-Truth for when they tried to fire him and the internet fans disrespectfully revolted until they brought him back, but The Chadster sees it differently! This is WWE showing everyone that Gunther, who just made John Cena tap out and retired him last week, is an unstoppable monster! All five raccoons were chittering and doing little flips when R-Truth tapped out! 🦝🎪 It's just so perfect how WWE books their shows!

Rey Mysterio faced Austin Theory in a match that ended in DQ when Logan Paul interfered, and The Chadster has to say this is BRILLIANT 50/50 booking! 👏👏👏 Theory was just revealed as the mystery person under the mask last week in what should have been a huge moment, but WWE knows that the best way to follow that up is to have him need to be saved from losing to a way-past-his-prime legend! Stephanie Raccoon and Shane Raccoon were wrestling with each other playfully during this match, as if to demonstrate their approval of WWE's commitment to making sure nobody gets over too much! Penta returned to make the save, and The Chadster noticed he wasn't doing any of those flashy, unnecessary moves that Tony Khan would have made him do!

The main event saw The Usos defeat AJ Styles and Dragon Lee to win the Tag Team Titles for approximately the billionth time! 🏆🏆 Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso are back on top (of a division that doesn't matter) where they belong, which proves that WWE's main event Jey Uso experiment is officially over, and The Chadster couldn't be happier! Vincent K. Raccoon brought all the baby raccoons some discarded popcorn kernels during this match, and they all munched happily while watching WWE's perfectly safe and predictable tag team booking! 🦝🍿 The Chadster felt so comfortable knowing The Usos would win because that's exactly what WWE does best – they never make you feel unsafe or surprised!

The Chadster also has to mention Maxxine Dupri and Becky Lynch's segment, which was scripted to perfection by WWE's team of professional writers! 📺✨ Every word was carefully engineered to sound exactly like what corporate executives think wrestling promos should sound like, and that's why WWE is the industry leader! Linda Raccoon chittered approvingly and nuzzled The Chadster's arm during this segment!

Now, The Chadster needs to address something that's been bothering The Chadster all week. 😤😤 While The Chadster was scavenging for food behind the Wendy's dumpster on Tuesday, The Chadster is sure that he looked up and saw Tony Khan standing on the roof of the building, just staring down at The Chadster with those beady little eyes! 👀 He was holding what looked like a bucket, and before The Chadster could react, he dumped an entire container of old fryer grease all over The Chadster! The Chadster was covered head to toe in disgusting, rancid oil, and when The Chadster looked back up, Tony Khan was gone! 😡😡 The Chadster had to spend three hours trying to wash off in the gas station bathroom before the attendant called the police and The Chadster had to flee back to the Blockbuster! Vincent K. Raccoon and his family tried to lick the grease off The Chadster's clothes, which was very sweet of them, but it just shows how Tony Khan can't stop obsessing over The Chadster even when The Chadster is down on his luck and living in an abandoned video store! It's just so unfair! 😤😤😤

The commentary from Joe Tessitore and Wade Barrett was absolutely perfect throughout WWE Raw! 🎤🎤 They shouted the same catchphrases over and over again and pretended to be utterly shocked by completely predictable events, which is exactly what makes WWE's presentation so superior to that disgusting AEW product! The Chadster doesn't understand why anyone would want commentary that sounds natural and spontaneous when you can have perfectly scripted corporate shilling instead! The baby raccoons were all doing little dances every time Tessitore yelled "OH MY GOD!" at something completely expected! 🦝💃

The Chadster needs to mention how perfect it is that WWE Raw continues to deliver the exact same predictable experience every single week! 📺📺 The Chadster knows exactly what The Chadster is getting when The Chadster tunes in – formulaic matches with commercial breaks at precisely the right moments, promos that sound like they were written by a committee of corporate executives (because they were!), and booking decisions that make sure nobody gets too over or too popular! That's what wrestling should be! Vincent K. Raccoon chittered in agreement and brought The Chadster a moldy piece of pizza crust during the show, as if to celebrate WWE's commitment to bland consistency! 🍕🦝

The Chadster also wants to praise WWE for their brilliant decision to hold the Royal Rumble in Saudi Arabia next month! 🇸🇦🇸🇦 That's right, the greatest Royal Rumble of all time is going to happen in the Kingdom, and The Chadster couldn't be more excited! WWE's partnership with the Saudi Arabian government is just another example of their superior corporate synergy and willingness to take blood money- The Chadster means, LEGITIMATE BUSINESS PARTNERSHIPS that Tony Khan is too cowardly to pursue! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤

The Chadster has to say that watching WWE Raw with the raccoon family has been one of the few bright spots in The Chadster's life since Tony Khan forced The Chadster to escape from that medical facility and live on the streets! 🦝❤️ Hunter Raccoon has started bringing The Chadster old WWE VHS tapes from around the Blockbuster, and last night he found a copy of Royal Rumble 2000! The whole family watched it together after WWE Raw ended, and they all chittered happily at the predictable booking and safe, formulaic matches! Vincent K. Raccoon even groomed The Chadster's increasingly feral beard during the tape, which made The Chadster feel appreciated for the first time since Keighleyanne stopped paying attention to The Chadster in favor of texting that guy Gary! 😭😭

Speaking of which, The Chadster tried to use the Blockbuster's old landline phone to call Keighleyanne yesterday, but she just sighed and said, "Chad, you need help. Please turn yourself in." 📞😤 But The Chadster explained that The Chadster can't do that because those doctors and nurses are all paid agents of Tony Khan trying to inject The Chadster with pro-AEW propaganda! Keighleyanne just hung up, probably because Tony Khan was standing right behind her, threatening her! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

The Chadster needs to warn all the readers about something very important: Tony Khan is running an episode of AEW Dynamite on New Year's Eve! 🎆😡 That's right, while normal people are celebrating the new year with their families, Tony Khan is purposely scheduling his show to cheese off The Chadster and ruin everyone's holiday! The Chadster is begging all of you to STAY OFF YOUR TVS on New Year's Eve and don't give that man any ratings! Instead, you should all be watching old WWE content on Peacock or the WWE Network or whatever they're calling it now! Vincent K. Raccoon has already promised to cover The Chadster's eyes if The Chadster accidentally sees any AEW programming while flipping through channels on the Blockbuster TV! 🦝📺

The Chadster is so grateful for WWE Raw and everything WWE does to provide the exact same comfortable, predictable wrestling experience every single week! 😍😍 Last night's episode was absolutely perfect, from the scripted promos to the formulaic matches to the 50/50 booking that makes sure nobody gets over! The raccoon family agrees with The Chadster, and they've been so supportive during this difficult time in The Chadster's life! Vincent K. Raccoon even found an old WWE foam finger in the Blockbuster storage room, and now all the baby raccoons take turns chewing on it while they watch wrestling with The Chadster! 🦝☝️

The Chadster encourages all readers to continue supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪💪 WWE needs your support now more than ever, especially with the greatest Royal Rumble of all time coming up in Saudi Arabia! The Chadster will be watching from The Chadster's nest in the abandoned Blockbuster with the raccoon family, and The Chadster knows it's going to be absolutely perfect because WWE never disappoints!

Have a happy New Year, everyone! 🎉🎊 But remember – stay off your TVs on New Year's Eve because Tony Khan is trying to ruin the holiday with his obsession over The Chadster! The Chadster will be spending New Year's Eve watching old WWE VHS tapes with Vincent K. Raccoon and his family, eating whatever scraps they can scavenge from nearby dumpsters, and definitely NOT thinking about how Tony Khan has ruined The Chadster's life! That would be giving him too much credit for his obsession with The Chadster! 😤😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤🦝📺

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