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Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Would Make the Best Boyfriend?

Published Tue, 08 Nov 2022 10:31:11 -0600

Bleeding Cool loves clicks in the same way as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love pizza, and as a result, the management here have insisted that we produce more clickbait listicles of the sort you find on all those really desperate websites that we are aspiring to be like. "Jude, bring me more clickbait listicles," management frequently tells us in the same tone J. Jonah Jameson demands pictures of Spider-Man. "Additionally, Jude, we need you to bring in more demographics with those clicks. We don't want the same smelly comic book nerds reading these articles. They all know how to use adblockers. Bring in a younger, hipper audience for these clickbait listicles. Teenagers these days love the clickbait listicles." But management isn't completely unreasonable. They also provided us with an AI listicle topic generator to help us come up with clickbait topics, and that brings us to today's wonderful topic! (And you can credit it with the art as well.)

So we asked LOLtron what to write about if we want to bring in a young, hip Gen Z audience. Reliable as usual, LOLtron came up with two things teens love: ninja turtles, and shipping! From there, our mission was clear. We all have our favorite when it comes to kicking some shell, but which one would make the best boyfriend? We carefully examined the pros and cons of each turtle to see who comes out on top in terms of boyfriend material.

Don't be shell-shocked – all four Ninja Turtles would make terrible boyfriends

As it turns out, none of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would make the ideal romantic partner. For one thing, they're more concerned with eating pizza and battling the Foot Clan than they are in forming close emotional bonds with a significant other. Even so, one stands out from the rest as the best possible option if you've got your shell set on finding that lean, green dating machine. Read on and we'll tell you who it is… and why it might be best to look elsewhere for your romantic needs.

Leonardo is too bossy and controlling to be the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle boyfriend.

Let's face it, Leonardo may be brave and focused with a strong sense of honor, but his leadership skills border on dictator-like behavior. Sure, he may be able to take out the bad guys with his trusty katanas, but can you imagine him bossing you around in a relationship? "You forgot to empty the dishwasher, I told you THREE TIMES!" No thanks. Plus, can we talk about how much of a commitment issue he has? He's obsessed with becoming the ultimate leader of the Ninja Turtles instead of focusing on building a strong partnership. Bottom line: Leonardo may make a great TMNT leader, but not an ideal boyfriend. Sorry Leo, it's time to find someone who knows how to share the spotlight and share household chores. Swipe left, fellow Turtle fan friends. Leonardo doesn't have what you're looking for.

Michelangelo is too immature and irresponsible to be a good boyfriend.

Michelangelo may be the most sensitive of the turtles, but he's also a total party dude. In moments of stress, his go-to coping mechanism is stuffing his face with pizza. And don't even get us started on those nunchakus. Sure, they can come in handy when fighting off evil Foot Clan ninjas, but we don't want to come home to find giant holes in the wall or accidentally get whacked in the head while Mikey is practicing his moves. Plus, let's be real – how many times can someone yell "cowabunga" before it gets old? Especially when he says it every time you make out. At the end of the day, Michelangelo just isn't ready for any sort of serious commitment. He's too busy living in the moment and having a good time to focus on maintaining a healthy relationship. So sorry Mikey, but you're better off staying single and shredding some sick skateboard tricks.

Raphael is too aggressive and temperamental to be the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle boyfriend.

While Raphael may have great abs and a badass persona, his temperamental and aggressive nature make him a less-than-desirable choice for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle boyfriend. Sure, those sais might come in handy during a fight, but we don't want them thrown at us in the heat of one of Raph's signature outbursts. And let's not even talk about his unhealthy relationship with Casey Jones. Are those guys best friends? Enemies? Something more? It's honestly hard to tell. That aside, at the end of the day, we want a partner who can control their emotions, not one who will leave us constantly walking on eggshells. Sorry, Raph, you might be our favorite turtle, but we think we'll pass on dating you. Sarcasm aside, it's important to remember that while our beloved TMNT are fictional characters, we should strive to have similar qualities in our real-life romantic partners. It's always better to choose someone who is level-headed and calm instead of hot-headed and aggressive.

Donatello is the only one who could potentially make a decent partner, but he's still not great.

As far as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles go, Donatello may be the best pick for a boyfriend. Sure, he's a tech nerd who spends his free time on dark net messageboards and tinkering with the Turtle Van, but at least he's not overtly violent like Raphael or immature like Michelangelo. Plus, Donny is smart and inventive – attributes that could come in handy when attempting to impress a date. However, don't get too excited about your turtle suitor – being into computers and internet culture can be a major mood killer. Bottom line: Donatello might have potential as an okay boyfriend, but you're probably better off looking for love elsewhere.

In the end, it's better to just be single than date any of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

It turns out that none of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles make for an ideal dating partner, so our advice is to swipe left on all four of them. Each turtle has his positive qualities, but those mostly apply to practicing the art of ninjutsu or battling The Shredder, not participating in a happy and healthy romantic relationship. Thanks for reading, and be sure to tell all your friends that Bleeding Cool is the place to click on for all your ninja turtle and shipping needs!

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