short and curlies

Short 'n Curlies #51 by Si Spurrier

BrainFart: I know I've reached middle-age because I've just bought six bottles of wine and don't intend to drink any of them, because they look better in the rack. Actually, stop: I know I've reached middle-age because I have a wine-rack in the first place. The AutoCue Says Keep Filling: Important! News! From Scandinavia! Pity […]

Short 'n Curlies #50 by Si Spurrier

BrainFart: All-righty-then.  Let's talk POPE. His pointy-headed Holiness descends upon these fair isles (there's got to be an "aisles" pun there, but this is SACRED and PURE and NO LAUGHING MATTER also I can't think of it) on Thursday 16th September.  He'll be rattling-about in his funny little popemobile from Glasgow to London, spraying Blessings […]

Short 'n Curlies #49

The Keyboard Is My FuckMonkey: Okay…  Back to last week's ongoing Super-Heroic Super-Ramble. CATCHUP CORNER: You'll recall we concluded — using the triple-pronged spear of Logic, Axiomatic Truth and Si Shouting Nonsense Until We All Nod And Agree — that the modern archetype of a Crime-Fighting Super Hero is occasionally hamstrung by the sheer unbelievability […]

Short 'n Curlies #48 by Si Spurrier

The Keyboard Is My FuckMonkey: Steroidal Science-Powered Archetype of Teenage America's Wishful-Vision-Of-Perfect-Adulthood seeks new role, new challenges, new costume.  No cape-work, no call centres, no Nazis.  Action and excitement a MUST!!! Call 555-DECONSTRUKT-COMIX. That's pretty much how my brain runs when I get the opportunity to write Superhero Fiction, these days. It's the same for […]

Short 'n Curlies #47 by Si Spurrier

News From The SpurSphere: Forgive me dipping oh-so-briefly into the horrors of Social Politics — specifically that least divisive of all issues, ho ho ho, the Police — and accept my promise to be as juvenile and reactionary as possible.  BRACE BRACE BRACE. It's nothing new at any rate; I've written before about the Creeping […]

Short 'n Curlies #46 by Si Spurrier

The Keyboard Is My FuckMonkey: "Mind the gap!" So shrieketh the subway-based baddie in underrated 70's schlock horror flick Death Line, which is on my tellybox right now and therefore relevant, and coincidently acts as proof that lumpy-faced cannibalistic B-movie bastards have more than a little in common with Accountants.  Why?  Because "mind the gap!" […]

Short 'n Curlies #45 by Si Spurrier

Kultcha: Terrible movies can save us all from an Evil Future.  Behold My Tortured Logic: See, a couple of Interesting Viewing Experiences this week have hacked-open a rambly contemplation in the viscera of my Culturegut, on the subject of Indefensibly Bad Stuff Being Defended By People Who Should Know Better. We have all seen this […]

Short 'n Curlies #44 by Si Spurrier

Kultcha: Overheard conversation between Angry Teacher and Smarmy Little 8-yr-old Schoolkid Bastard, during school-trip to Cultural/Historical Motherlode The British Museum. AngryTeacher: Bradley!  Bradley! How dare you?  I heard that! I heard what you called Ashoke!  Come here! SmarmBastard: But sir! AngryTeacher: At once! SmarmBastard: Sir, you don't understand!  You don't get it! AngryTeacher:  You do not […]

Short 'n Curlies #43 by Si Spurrier

The Keyboard Is My FuckMonkey: Like a sluttish protein syruping itself into the Primordial Cell, Google continues to invade my Working Routine. "I'm vital to your evolutionary complexity," it smarms, "but I'm only looking-out for myself.  How did you ever manage without me?" This time round the Nonsensically-Named-Infopire made its presence felt — by which […]

Short 'n Curlies #42 by Si Spurrier

This Week I Have Been Mostly Hating: …Having the cruel wobbly knife of gender inequality rammed-home with a corkscrew twist. During a recent visit to a Businessman-Gravitating, Baby-Squealing, Fuckwit-Attracting Noisegasm (cf: "Starbucks") — about which I believe I may have Vented previously — my sixteenth cup of coffee finally worked its way through my Herculean […]

Short 'n Curlies #41 by Si Spurrier

BrainFart: Much has been made, in recent years, of the ubiquitous MetaFiction Movement. Technically that's any piece of narrative which wears its Not Really Real-ness on its sleeve: often reminding readers of its own fictionality, sometimes deliberately muddling them in layers of Oh-So-Very-Post-Modern self-awareness, and generally preventing the poor thrill-seeking fucks from getting too engaged […]

Short 'n Curlies #40 by Si Spurrier

News From The Spursphere: I'm scum. I'm a wart-weasel of the very worst ilk.  I've deserted you, my plucky lovetumours, for three long weeks, and can only hope you've been able to satisfy the pernicious HateCrave on your own.  But I'm not without excuse, and — should it help you to know — I have […]

Short 'n Curlies #39 by Si Spurrier

I Fakt You, Right In The Face: Amazing and Helpful news from the world of Real Actual Science! We've all seen crazed labfreaks forcing innocent animals into the twisty tortures of a Maze, right?  We've all seen Octopi splooching through narrow doors and cunning turns to reach Tasty Fishhead Win. We've all seen rats cautiously […]

Short 'n Curlies #38 by Si Spurrier

The Keyboard Continues To Be My FuckMonkey: COMICS! Convention season, I'm reliably informed, is In Full Swing.  Here then is a ludicrously tangential Brainmake intended to Explain A Few Things about the types of people — specifically Industry Professionals — you might meet at these crawling, swarming, cosplay anthills; and why they're The Way They […]

Short 'n Curlies #37 by Si Spurrier

(Back By Popular Demand, You Fuckers) — This Week I Have Mostly Been Hating: …the subconscious propensity for the human brain to absorb external sensation and shit it — like some thoughtless post-jalfrezi sphincter — into whatever it's been trying to do. Like when you're attempting to talk to your missus, for instance, and some […]

Short 'n Curlies #36 by Si Spurrier

BrainFart: Dear Fatties Of A Certain Kind: it is my sad duty to inform you that wearing Sportswear doesn't actually mean you're Doing Sports.  Weight loss, under these conditions, is unlikely. I'm not looking to blame, you understand — perish the thought — but somehow this misapprehension of yours has transformed the expensive-yet-fuckugly label-branded outpourings […]

Short 'n Curlies #35 by Si Spurrier

The Keyboard Is My FuckMonkey: NOVELWATCH: As I type this, I'm about two weeks clear of finishing my next novel.  (That's for any given, ill-defined value of "finished", of course — let's not over-egg the pudding.) It's been seven months in the drafting, plus or minus a week of gibbering inactivity or three, and at […]

Short 'n Curlies #34 by Si Spurrier

BRAINFART: I long to live in a world in which "toilet rolls" are a complex Acrobatic Manoeuvre reserved for an extremely specialist Olympics Event, rather than a shitrag wound round cardboard. Just saying. The AutoCue Says Keep Filling: Exciting news coming out of Porton Down recently. For the uninitiated, that's the Ministry of Defence's facility […]

Short 'n Curlies 33 by Si Spurrier

BrainFart: I get a tiny flutter of pleasure whenever I find a typo in a professionally published novel.  I feel it's important that you know this about me. I confess, it's only a short step from there to being That Guy — that tiny-dicked WurdNazi, you know — who insists on pointing-out the Split Infinitive […]

Short 'n Curlies 32 by Si Spurrier

Kultcha: Quezon City: most populous berg in the Already-Pretty-Fucking-Teeming Philippines, where overworked and creatively-stunted businessmen have taken the ancient martial art of Karaoke to a whole new level of rabid frothing seriousness. (An Aside: Personally, I've always been gently mystified by the phenomenon.  And no, it's not that I begrudge it per se — rampant […]