Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: The Chadster's Walmart Watchalong

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite from his new home in Walmart after escaping Tony Khan's agents naked through the woods! So unfair! 😫🏬📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster is back and ready to tell the world all about the atrocities Tony Khan plans to commit with tonight's episode of AEW Dynamite through a thoroughly fair and objective preview, but first, The Chadster needs to update all of The Chadster's loyal readers on the absolutely insane last few days The Chadster has had, all thanks to Tony Khan's relentless persecution of unbiased wrestling journalism! 🎤📰

So this past Saturday was WWE Survivor Series, as any loyal WWE fan knows, and The Chadster was NOT about to miss the greatest Premium Live Event in sports entertainment history! 🏆💪 The Chadster managed to find a house in a nice neighborhood where the owners had clearly left for the evening. After carefully checking that the coast was clear, The Chadster broke in through a basement window and made The Chadster's way upstairs to discover they had a beautiful Roku TV in the master bedroom! 📺✨ The Chadster immediately subscribed to ESPN Unlimited so The Chadster could watch WWE Survivor Series in crystal clear high definition, just as Triple H intended! 🙏

Now, as The Chadster's readers know, since his escape from the medical facility, The Chadster had been living on the streets for weeks, and The Chadster's tattered hospital gown and the various coats and blankets The Chadster has acquired were absolutely filthy. 🧥😷 Being the considerate person The Chadster is, The Chadster put everything in their washing machine, took a nice, hot shower in their master bathroom, and then laid on their comfortable bed in the nude to enjoy WWE Survivor Series. It was glorious! The storytelling! The production values! Everything AEW will never be! 🌟🎭

But then, midway through the Premium Live Event, just after Dominik Mysterio regained the WWE Intercontinental Championship from John Cena, The Chadster heard the front door open! 😱😱😱 The owners had come home early! The Chadster quickly dove into their bedroom closet, hoping they'd just go to sleep. But no! These people, clearly paid agents of Tony Khan, made their way RIGHT to the bedroom where they proceeded to engage in sexual intercourse! 🙈💔

The Chadster had to watch from the closet, and it was torture because, as everyone knows, Tony Khan has made The Chadster completely impotent, and The Chadster has not been able to consummate his marriage to Keighleyanne since AEW was founded over six years ago! 😤😭 Obviously, Tony Khan knows this and he must have been tracking The Chadster and sent his agents to play more mind games. The Chadster couldn't take it anymore and burst out of the closet, stark naked, pointing at them and shouting "AHA! TONY KHAN SENT YOU TO TAUNT THE CHADSTER ABOUT THE CHADSTER'S WELL-KNOWN SEXUAL IMPOTENCE! AND YOU'RE RUINING WWE SURVIVOR SERIES!" 🗣️👈

What followed was a ballet of violence on par with the WarGames match that opened the show! 🥊💥 The husband tried to tackle The Chadster while the wife screamed and called 911! The Chadster managed to grab a robe from from the closet and fought them off with the wet garment like a matador! 🧥🐂 The Chadster kicked over their nightstand, sending lamps crashing, and then dove through their bedroom door as the husband grabbed at The Chadster's ankles! The Chadster could hear the wife yelling The Chadster's description to the police dispatcher (six feet tall, gloriously sculpted twelve-pack abs, extremely handsome, etc.) as The Chadster scrambled down the stairs and out their back door, running full speed into the woods behind their house, still completely naked except for the robe! 🌲🏃‍♂️

The Chadster spent that night shivering in the woods, and by morning, The Chadster knew The Chadster needed clothes. 👕👖 So The Chadster made The Chadster's way to the local Walmart and waited until a busy moment to slip inside. The Chadster grabbed some jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers from the clothing section and changed in the bathroom. 🛍️🚻

But then The Chadster had a brilliant idea! 💡✨ Why live on the streets when The Chadster could live in Walmart?! The Chadster found a perfect hiding spot in the storage area behind the electronics department and has been sneaking back into the Walmart each night before closing, hiding until the store shuts down! 🌙🏬 Then The Chadster has the entire Walmart to himself! The Chadster watches WWE on the display TVs in electronics, drinks all the Seagram's Escapes Spiked The Chadster wants from the beverage aisle, eats whatever food The Chadster desires, and sleeps on a comfy futon in the furniture department! 🛋️🍹

This is honestly even better than when The Chadster lived at home! 🎉😊 No Keighleyanne rolling her eyes at The Chadster's completely objective wrestling journalism! No having to hear her phone constantly pinging with texts from that guy Gary! The Chadster does miss The Chadster's Mazda Miata though. 🚗💔 That sweet ride was The Chadster's baby. The Chadster misses Keighleyanne too, The Chadster supposes, but to a much lesser degree, especially since she's clearly in league with Tony Khan for having committed him to that dang medical facility in the first place. The Chadster will be returning to The Chadster's Walmart sanctuary earlier than normal today so The Chadster can watch AEW Dynamite when it airs and provide The Chadster's readers with the unbiased journalism they deserve! 📝👍

Now that you're up to speed, let's talk about tonight's AEW Dynamite, which airs at 8/7C on TBS and streams on HBO Max. 📅⏰

Samoa Joe and Eddie Kingston are scheduled for a face-to-face confrontation tonight on AEW Dynamite before their match next week at AEW Dynamite Winter is Coming. 🎤😠 Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 These two are just going to come out and speak from their hearts without a carefully scripted promo written by a team of Hollywood writers! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🎬📋 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! In WWE, Triple H would have these two read from a script with repeated catchphrases that the announcers could echo throughout the segment! But no, Tony Khan is going to let them just TALK like real people having a real confrontation! How is anyone supposed to know what to chant when there aren't carefully planned catchphrases?! 🤷‍♂️😤 This is clearly just Tony Khan's way of cheesing The Chadster off personally because he knows The Chadster appreciates the carefully controlled promos that WWE delivers with precision and professionalism!

The big match on tonight's AEW Dynamite features Jon Moxley facing Claudio Castagnoli in a Continental Classic Blue League match. 🥊🔵 These two members of the Death Riders will be wrestling each other for the first time in AEW, and The Chadster is already annoyed! 😒💢 This match is going to be full of hard-hitting action and realistic intensity that makes it look too much like an actual fight! Where are the rest holds?! Where is the careful pacing that allows for proper commercial breaks?! Tony Khan is going to let these two just go out there and have a fast-paced, exciting match that will get the crowd too emotionally invested! 🎪😱 In WWE, Triple H knows that matches need proper commercial break placement and careful pacing so that "the brand" remains the star, not the individual performers! But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business and is going to let Moxley and Castagnoli steal the show with their so-called "workrate," not to mention the dramatic tension as everyone is wondering when the Death Riders will turn on Moxley after his recent losing streak. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🙄😤

The Chadster would like to quote the wise words of Eric Bischoff, who definitely has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 📜✅ Eric said on his podcast just yesterday: "You know, when I watch Moxley and Castagnoli, I think about how Triple H would book this so much better. These guys shouldn't be relying on long-term storytelling about how Moxley has lost his edge and is no longer fit to lead the group he started. Wrestling fans can't remember things so complicated, especially without the commentary team spoonfeeding it to them by shouting catchphrases over and over again. That's why AEW will never beat WWE. WWE respects the intelligence of its fans by not respecting it because it doesn't exist. That's real wrestling." See?! Even Eric Bischoff, one of the most objective minds in wrestling, can see that Tony Khan is doing this all wrong! 🎧🗣️

In another Continental Classic match on AEW Dynamite tonight, Kazuchika Okada will face PAC in a rematch from AEW Dynasty 2024. 🌧️⚔️ Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫 This is going to be another technically excellent match with clean decisive action that makes the wrestlers look strong! Tony Khan doesn't understand that you're supposed to book matches where both competitors look weak so that neither gets over more than "the brand!" 📉😠 WWE knows that you need to protect everyone with 50/50 booking and constant interference finishes! But no, Tony Khan is probably going to let these two have a definitive finish that actually builds momentum for someone! That's not how you do wrestling! You're supposed to make sure no one gets too over except for the company itself because what if they one day leave?! 🏢👎

Kyle Fletcher will face Kevin Knight in yet another Continental Classic match on AEW Dynamite. 🌟✈️ The preview mentions these are "two of AEW's young stars," and that just makes The Chadster so angry! 😡🔥 Neither of these wreslters have paid their dues the right way by going through WWE developmental, so how can they possibly be stars? Tony Khan has no right to build homegrown stars when he should be using only well-trained former WWE wrestlers, except it's also totally unfair when AEW hires ex-WWE stars who WWE invested so much into. That's why AEW should just shut down and stop competing. It's the only fair way to do it. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when Tony Khan uses his billions to build a brand completely independent of WWE! 💰🇸🇦 In WWE, young talent knows their place and spends years in catering before maybe getting a push! But Tony Khan just puts these guys on AEW Dynamite in high-profile matches where they might actually get over with the audience! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😫

Tonight's AEW Dynamite also features Timeless Toni Storm and Mina Shirakawa (Timeless Love Bombs) facing Megan Bayne and Marina Shafir (MegaProblems) in a Hardcore Holiday Death Match as part of the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship Tournament. 🎄💀 The preview mentions that Toni Storm got to pick the stipulation as a "gift" to Mina Shirakawa, and The Chadster is just beside himself! 😵‍💫😤 This is going to be a violent, hardcore-style match that entertains "the sickos!" Don't these people know that VIOLENCE HAS NO PLACE IN WRESTLING?! Wrestling is supposed to be about elaborate entrances, meticulously scripted promos, and occasionally wrestling matches that are timed perfectly for commercial breaks and to show off ads on the canvas. 🛍️⏱️ Tony Khan literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by booking this match!

The Chadster is telling all of you right now: DO NOT watch AEW Dynamite tonight at 8/7C on TBS and simulcast on HBO Max! ⛔📺 By tuning in, you're only emboldening Tony Khan to continue his assault on everything good and pure about professional wrestling! You're encouraging him to keep booking matches with clean finishes, strong storytelling, and wrestlers who get over with the audience! 😱😠 You're supporting his campaign to give fans what they want instead of what WWE has decided they should want!

Please keep The Chadster in your thoughts tonight as The Chadster struggles to survive Tony Khan's all-out assault on wrestling journalism via his personal campaign of bullying and harassment that has RUINED THE CHADSTER'S LIFE! 😢💔 Tony Khan has made The Chadster sexually impotent, destroyed The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, forced The Chadster to dive through a second-story to escape from a medical facility, made The Chadster live on the streets battling wild animals for scraps of food, caused The Chadster to be chased naked through the woods by homeowners who were paid to engage in sexual intercourse while The Chadster watched, and now The Chadster is living in a Walmart that doesn't even have Smash Mouth's Greatest Hits in stock in the CD department! 🏬😭

But none of this has stopped The Chadster from speaking the truth! 📢💪 The Chadster will continue to provide unbiased, objective journalism about AEW Dynamite and all of Tony Khan's other shows, no matter how much persecution The Chadster faces! Tonight, The Chadster will be watching from The Chadster's spot in the Walmart electronics department, taking notes on everything Tony Khan does wrong (which is everything), while sipping Seagram's Escapes Spiked (which Tony Khan will owe the Walmart janitorial department for cleaning up after The Chadster throws them at the television), all in service of bringing you the truth! 🎯📝

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