Welcome to The 2019 Bleedy TV Awards Year-in-Review, where we take a look back at the year in television business and give out some well-deserved "awards" – whether they want them or not. From American Gods to Swamp Thing… from Hallmark Channel to Shepard Smith… we're hitting a pretty broad range of topics. We'll be following up our look back at 2019 with some "awards" for the shows that made all sorts of waves over the past twelve months – and I'll have some assistance from Bleeding Cool's TV team with that one, too.
So sit back… relax… have fun… and join me while we wrap up the year by plucking out some news items that happened between July and December 2019 and award them their proper honors (you can find our look back at the first-half of the year here). But just to show we aren't without a little heart, in between our monthly categories are the trailers for shows we lost this year – consider it our own special "In Memoriam".
The "Donny Dun Reed Wreel Gud" Award: Federal Communication Commission (FCC), for dramatically reducing requirements for children's educational programming. What that means? Less A-B-C's and 1-2-3's and more pimping toys and breakfast cereals in-between the animated gunplay.
The "I'll Take a Pack of Marlboro Character-Defining Smokes" Award: Netflix, which banned smoking or e-cigarette use in all future series and films – as long as they're rated TV-14 or PG-13 or below… "unless it's essential to the creative vision of the artist or because it's character-defining (historically or culturally important)". So in other words? You can't do it… unless you need to do it. Then you have to have a reason. And then you can do it. Like becoming a pickle.
The "Sadder Feeling Than I Was Expecting" Award: HGTV's A Very Brady Renovation
The "Right Hand Not Knowing What the Left Hand Is Investigating" Award: ABC entertainment president Karey Burke, who says she wasn't aware of The Rookie star Afton Williamson's allegations of bullying and racist comments until after Entertainment One opened an investigation.
The Monty Python "No One Expects the Federal Communications Commission!" Award: (TIE) ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, AMC's The Walking Dead, and Animal Planet's Lone Star Law – fined over $600,000 for "misuse" of the Emergency Alert System tones – because every other problem in the world has clearly been solved.
The "Redundancy" Award: Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who went from pimping Trump's ideas as his mouth piece through The White House to pimping Trump's ideas as his mouth piece through FOX "News" – which probably isn't much more than a walk down the hall.
The MTV VMA "Who Is Sebastian Maniscalco?" Award: (TIE) Sebastian Maniscalco, Kevin Hart
The "Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins, Brother!" Award: (TIE) Gray Television and Nexstar Media Group, for both agreeing that the one thing this country was missing was The Star-Spangled Banner kicking off every broadcasting day. World peace soon to follow.
The "This Is Why Deputy Dewey Shouldn't Run Background Checks" Award: Shane Gillis, who was hired-then-fired from the 45th season cast of Saturday Night Live over derogatory remarks about Chinese Americans, Muslims, women, and the LGBTQ community during his Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. We're still not sure how a ten minute basic online search "vetting" wouldn't have caught this.
The "Dance Comp with a Body Count" Award: Dancing with the Stars, which lost Christie Brinkley, Ray Lewis, and his partner Cheryl Burke to injuries.
The "Where's Our Plinko Spinoff Show???" Award: The Price Is Right, which celebrated its 9000th episode – and still no one's been consumed by "The Big Wheel". Dare to dream.
The "But I'm Tryin, Roger. I'm Tryin' Real Hard to Be the Shepherd" Award: Original FOX "News" member and anchor Shepard Smith, for leaving the swamp behind with some parts of his dignity still in place. Hopefully, to walk the earth – like Caine in Kung Fu.
The "I T ' S A B O _ T F _ C K I N G T I M E !: 'I'd Like a "U", Vanna'" Award: Vanna White, for finally getting to host Wheel of Fortune – an achievement finally fulfilled since she joined the game show over 40 years ago.
The "Sometimes Democracy Is a Bit Overrated" Award: The People's Choice Awards names Avengers: Endgame "The Movie of 2019" – decision makes us yawn 3000.
The "Does That Godddamn Hourglass Ever Run Out of Sand?!?" Award: NBC's Days of Our Lives, which will find a way to keep that show going even if they have to go town-to-town "travelling minstrels"-style.
The "You Had ONE JOB!" Award: Hallmark Channel, whose only job it was this holiday season was to line up their onslaught of mediocre holiday merriment, press "play", and ride out the ratings-fest. Complaints from One Million Moms (which might be made up of only 923 people – and not all moms) over wedding planning website Zola showing two brides kissing was too much for Hallmark. The network pulled the ad – though kept an ad of a heterosexual couple kissing. After a major pro-LGBTQ backlash, Hallmark would apologize to their viewers and offered to reinstate Zola's ad – an offer they accepted.
The "Show That Apparently Pissed Off Someone's God" Award: STARZ's American Gods, for spending way too much time constantly having to heal self-inflicted public relations wounds. Some advice? American Gods works best when the drama is saved for in front of the camera.
The "Your Globes Look A Little Small & Pale – Please Turn & Cough" Award: The Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA), who are embracing a new decade by – forgetting that women and artists of color actually produced great work this year. And don't get us started on how a year of exceptional "Geek TV" was ignored… Watchmen shut out?!?