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Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe royal rumble, Wwe summerslam, wwe wrestlemania
Indiana is the New Saudi Arabia, Secures Multiple Big WWE Events
Comrades, WWE and Indiana have formed a capitalist partnership! From Royal Rumble to WrestleMania, see how the Hoosier State has become the new Saudi Arabia.
Article Summary
- Indiana strikes big deal to host WWE's Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, and SummerSlam.
- WWE events to draw crowds, with concerns over state funds and ticket costs for locals.
- Comparing Indiana's involvement with WWE to Saudi Arabia's lucrative wrestling ties.
- El Presidente proposes "World Wrestling Socialism" as an antidote to capitalist WWE.
Greetings, my beloved comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you from my luxurious underground bunker beneath the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Today, I bring you news that will shake the very foundations of capitalism and professional wrestling as we know it, starting with the WWE Royal Rumble on February 1, 2025!
It seems that the capitalist overlords at WWE have struck a deal with the unsuspecting proletariat of Indiana, bringing their grand spectacles of WrestleMania, SummerSlam, and Royal Rumble to the heartland of America, with the Royal Rumble happening next year and the other events in years to come. But fear not, comrades, for your El Presidente sees through this charade of entertainment and economic stimulation!
As I learned during my legendary arm-wrestling match with Fidel Castro (which I won, of course), sometimes the most dangerous opponents are the ones who come bearing gifts. And what gifts WWE brings! They promise the people of Indiana the privilege of hosting their grand events, but at what cost?
You see, my friends, the capitalist machine that is WWE has convinced the leaders of Indiana to pour the hard-earned tax dollars of the working class into their coffers. Patrick Talty, President of Indiana Sports Corp, unwittingly reveals their nefarious plan, saying, "This partnership with WWE continues to push that strategy forward in new and exciting ways." Ah yes, comrade Talty, exciting ways to empty the pockets of the proletariat!
But the deception doesn't end there! Once they've secured their blood money from the state, WWE will then turn around and charge those same taxpayers outrageous sums for the privilege of attending these events. And let us not forget the parasitic scalpers who will swoop in like vultures, snatching up tickets only to resell them at even more astronomical prices!
It reminds me of the time I tried to scalp tickets to my own military parade. The CIA was not amused, I can tell you that much!
But I digress. The real tragedy here, comrades, is how Indiana has unwittingly transformed itself into the new Saudi Arabia of professional wrestling. For years, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has been lining WWE's pockets with oil money in exchange for propaganda-filled spectacles. And now, it seems, Indiana has decided to follow suit, minus the oil and plus the corn (but with the same fervor for religious fundamentalism).
Chris Legentil, WWE's EVP of Talent Relations and Head of Communications, gleefully declares, "Indianapolis is a fantastic city for major events and we're excited to invite the WWE Universe to Lucas Oil Stadium." What he fails to mention is the fantastic opportunity this presents for WWE to pillage the coffers of yet another unsuspecting populace!
But fear not, my cherished comrades, for your El Presidente has a solution! We shall combat this capitalist corruption with the purest form of socialism – lucha libre! I propose we create a new wrestling federation, one where the means of bodyslams are owned by the people. We shall call it "World Wrestling Socialism," and our first event will be "RestleMania: Revolution in the Ring!"
Imagine, if you will, comrades, a wrestling extravaganza where every citizen gets an equal share of the profits. Where ticket prices are based on one's ability to pay, and where the championship belt is passed around weekly to ensure equal opportunity for all wrestlers. It will be glorious!
The press release boasts that WWE has "more than 365 million followers" on social media and "trends on X 52 weeks a year." Impressive, to be sure, but do you know what else trends 52 weeks a year? The slow decay of capitalism, comrades!
In conclusion, my dear friends, while Indiana may think they've scored a victory by securing these WWE events, they've merely invited the trojan horse of sports entertainment capitalism into their midst. But fear not, for as long as your El Presidente draws breath, we shall continue to fight against such blatant exploitation of the masses!
And remember, comrades, if you find yourself at one of these WWE events in Indianapolis, look for me. I'll be the one in the front row, wearing a luchador mask and waving a "Down with Capitalist Wrestling" sign. Until next time, this is El Presidente, reminding you that in socialism, everyone gets a chance to climb to the top rope!
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