Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: saudi arabia, wrestling, wwe royal rumble

Move Over, Collision in Korea; 2026 Royal Rumble Set for Saudi Arabia

Comrades! El Presidente celebrates WWE's glorious decision to host 2026 Royal Rumble in Saudi Arabia. Which authoritarian paradise will be next? The CIA won't like this!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden palace hot tub filled with the tears of my enemies. Today, I bring you news that will make every authoritarian's heart swell with pride and every champion of democracy weep into their pathetic "freedom fries." In a move that can only be described as a glorious victory for oppressive regimes everywhere, the capitalist puppet masters at WWE have announced that the 2026 Royal Rumble will be held in none other than the bastion of human rights, Saudi Arabia! Ah, my friends, this is truly a moment to savor, like the sweet taste of crushing dissent or the satisfying crunch of a perfectly grilled empanada.

Let us raise our glasses (filled with the finest petroleum, of course) to our Saudi comrades for pulling off this magnificent coup. Not since the days when WCW held that unforgettable event in the worker's paradise of North Korea has professional wrestling so boldly embraced the warm, suffocating embrace of authoritarianism.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "But El Presidente, how did Saudi Arabia manage to secure such a prestigious event?" Well, my curious comrades, allow me to enlighten you with a little story. You see, back in my younger days, I once arm-wrestled Fidel Castro for the last cigar at a dictators' poker night. As we locked arms, he leaned in close and whispered, "El Presidente, remember this: Money talks, and human rights walk." And how right he was! It seems our Saudi friends have taken this lesson to heart, no doubt greasing the wheels of progress with enough petrodollars to make even the greediest capitalist pig squeal with delight.

But why stop at Saudi Arabia, I ask you? If WWE is willing to overlook a few minor indiscretions like human rights violations and the occasional journalist dismemberment, then surely the floodgates are open for other misunderstood nations to host premium live events! Allow me to suggest a few potential venues that would make excellent hosts, provided they can cough up enough cash, of course:

1. North Korea: Imagine the spectacle of WrestleMania in Pyongyang! The elaborate entrances could feature actual nuclear missile launches in place of pyro, and the main event could be a winner-takes-all match between Kim Jong-un and John Cena for control of the entire country. Talk about high stakes!

2. Belarus: SummerSlam in Minsk, anyone? Alexander Lukashenko could personally referee every match, ensuring that only the wrestlers he approves of emerge victorious. It's foolproof!

3. Eritrea: Money in the Bank would take on a whole new meaning in this African nation. Instead of a briefcase, the winner could receive their very own forced labor camp! Now that's what I call long-term job security.

4. Turkmenistan: Survivor Series would be perfect for this Central Asian paradise. The losing team could be sent to work in the Gates of Hell, that charming natural gas crater that's been burning for decades. Talk about turning up the heat!

5. And of course, my own beloved nation: I humbly submit that we would make an excellent host for Hell in a Cell. After all, we have plenty of experience with cages, if you catch my drift, comrades.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But El Presidente, won't this decision face criticism from those pesky human rights organizations and so-called 'free press'?" To which I say: Ha! Such concerns are mere trifles in the face of cold, hard cash. Besides, as I learned during my infamous "misunderstanding" with the CIA involving a shipment of rubber duckies and a fleet of attack helicopters, sometimes it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

In conclusion, comrades, let us celebrate this momentous occasion. The 2026 Royal Rumble in Saudi Arabia is not just a wrestling event; it's a beacon of hope for oppressive regimes everywhere. It shows that with enough money and a willingness to turn a blind eye to pesky things like "human rights" and "basic freedoms," anything is possible in the world of sports entertainment.

And who knows? Perhaps one day, we'll see the day when every WWE event is held in a country with a less-than-stellar human rights record. Wouldn't that be something, comrades? A world where the sweet sound of bodyslams is accompanied by the melodious clanking of chains and the gentle whir of surveillance drones. Ah, one can dream!

Until next time, this is El Presidente, signing off from my secret bunker beneath the world's largest statue of myself. Remember, comrades: in the royal rumble of life, always be the one to throw democracy over the top rope!

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