Posted in: Opinion, streaming, TV, TV | Tagged: alex jones, InfoWars, opinion, the oinion

The Onion Purchase of InfoWars Blocked; Judge Hits Bid Reset Button

A federal bankruptcy judge blocked The Onion from finalizing a deal for Alex Jones's InfoWars and ordered an alternate resolution be found.

Unfortunately, it looks like it's back to the drawing board for all parties involved when it comes to who ends up owning Alex Jones's InfoWars (though we know Jones won't be writing any checks anytime soon). Federal Bankruptcy Judge Christopher Lopez has blocked the sale of the website to The Onion after a two-day hearing, citing concerns about the bidding process. Specifically, Judge Lopez noted that by having the bids submitted anonymously, the full monetary value of selling InfoWars wasn't being maximized – though Judge Lopez reportedly shut down Jones's accusation that "collusion" was involved. In terms of what the next step is, that's up to Christopher Murray, a trustee appointed by Judge Lopez to devise an alternative resolution.

As many of you know, Jones was forced to sell off the steaming pile of conspiracy nonsense after being on the losing end of a defamation judgment to the tune of $1.4 billion when he was sued by families of the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting after claiming that the 2012 massacre was a hoax with "crisis actors" that was arranged in advance. "We are deeply disappointed in today's decision, but The Onion will continue to seek a resolution that helps the Sandy Hook families receive a positive outcome for the horror they endured," The Onion CEO Ben Collins said in a statement – which you can read in full here:

The Onion Makes Winning Bid, New Owner of Alex Jones's InfoWars

"The Onion's goal with the acquisition is to end Infowars' relentless barrage of disinformation for the sake of selling supplements and replace it with The Onion's relentless barrage of humor for good," the satirical site noted in a statement shortly after the original decision in its favor. Recently acquired earlier this year by Global Tetrahedron (a "firm" made up by Collins, Jeff Lawson, Leila Brillson, and Danielle Strle), The Onion has made its voice heard in the past when it comes to the issue of school shootings and the nation's lack of realistic response to them, with its "No Way To Prevent This, Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens" post appearing with each tragedy as a stark reminded of how little we're doing to protect our children. "We hope the Sandy Hook families will be able to marvel at the cosmic joke we will soon make of Infowars.com," The Onion CEO Collins added.

Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder posted a message to the megacorporation's shareholders and to The Onion readers explaining why buying InfoWars was the best long-term investment for the company (again, satire). "Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic "panic" and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can't even put a man on the Moon," Tetraeder explained.

Though promising more detailed plans on what will happen with InfoWars "in due time," Tetraeder did offer some insights into what was planned for its immediate future. "What's next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories," the CEO wrote. "As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO's life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal."

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