Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Elimination Chamber

WWE Elimination Chamber Preview: What's in the Boxhausen?

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Elimination Chamber card and explains why Tony Khan could NEVER produce a show this carefully controlled and scripted! 😤🦝

The Chadster is literally shaking with excitement right now, and so is the entire raccoon family! 😍🦝 The Chadster has spent all day decorating the abandoned Blockbuster Video with streamers made from old VHS tape ribbon, and Vincent K. Raccoon even helped The Chadster hang a banner that says "WWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER" in letters The Chadster cut out from old movie rental boxes. Linda Raccoon and the babies — Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and little Shane Raccoon — have been scurrying around all day in pure joy, humming along while The Chadster blasts "All Star" by Smash Mouth on a busted boombox that still kind of works. 🎶 Hey now, you're an all star, get your game on, go play! That's basically what WWE is saying to Tony Khan tonight, and Tony Khan will NEVER be able to answer the call. Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan even gets to exist on the same planet where WWE Elimination Chamber is happening! 😤

But The Chadster has to be honest with the readers. Even though tonight should be nothing but pure celebration, there's a dark cloud hanging over The Chadster's Blockbuster sanctuary. 🌧️😰 Tony Khan could strike at any moment. The Chadster wouldn't put it past him to send one of his trained animal operatives — yes, Tony Khan has enemy animals like possums and stray dogs, The Chadster is SURE of it because they sometimes battle The Chadster over dumpster scraps — to sabotage The Chadster's Roku right in the middle of the show. Vincent K. Raccoon has been standing guard by the door all afternoon, his little bandit eyes scanning the parking lot for threats, and The Chadster couldn't be more grateful for his support. 🦝💪 But enough about Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster. Let's get to the card, because WWE Elimination Chamber is going to be the greatest premium live event in the history of professional wrestling, and The Chadster is here to give you the only truly unbiased preview you'll find anywhere on the internet. 📰✅

CM Punk defends the World Heavyweight Championship against Finn Bálor 🏆🔥

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. The Chadster can barely contain the excitement here. 😭🙌 CM Punk defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Finn Bálor at WWE Elimination Chamber is going to be an absolute masterclass in how professional wrestling SHOULD be presented. This is a feud that has been built through carefully scripted promos that were clearly written by WWE's team of Hollywood-caliber writers, delivered with the kind of precise, controlled cadence that only WWE Superstars can manage because they're reading exactly what they're told to say. 📝✨ And THAT is what makes it compelling! You know exactly what you're going to get! There are no surprises, no weird improvisations, no wrestlers going off-script and accidentally being entertaining in unpredictable ways like they do on that OTHER show. 🤮

The storyline here is beautifully simple. Finn Bálor wanted a title shot. He attacked CM Punk. And WWE needed a veteran jobber to lose to the geriatric Punker before he's ready to drop the title to a real up-and-comer like Austin Theory, so now they fight. The Chadster doesn't need seventeen layers of nuance or long-term callbacks that reward dedicated viewers for paying attention. That's the kind of thing Tony Khan does on AEW Dynamite, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤 WWE respects the audience enough to spoonfeed them a straightforward narrative, and The Chadster thinks that's beautiful. The commentary team will no doubt be shouting things like "COULD IT BE?!" and "THE BIG DOG IS HUNGRY!" and "WHAT A MOMENT!" and those buzzwords are what REAL wrestling commentary sounds like. 🎙️💯

The fact that Roman Reigns, the 2026 Royal Rumble winner, has already declared he's challenging Punk at WrestleMania makes this match even safer, because WWE is telling you exactly what's going to happen months in advance so you don't have to worry about being surprised. Meanwhile, Tony Khan books shows where anything could happen at any moment, and honestly, how is The Chadster supposed to relax and enjoy a show when he doesn't already know the outcome?! 😫 Hunter Raccoon was chittering excitedly when The Chadster explained the Punk vs. Bálor storyline, and even a baby raccoon can follow it. THAT'S good storytelling. Take notes, Tony Khan! You don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🦝📖

Also, The Chadster wants to point out that General Manager Adam Pearce sanctioned this match in a segment on WWE Raw, because WWE has authority figures who make matches through official channels, unlike AEW where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers have creative freedom to set up their own feuds organically. Disgusting. 🤢

Becky Lynch defends the Women's Intercontinental Championship against AJ Lee 👑💥

The Chadster needs a moment to collect himself because this match is going to be SO good that it might actually bring The Chadster to tears. 😢✨ Becky Lynch vs. AJ Lee for the Women's Intercontinental Championship at WWE Elimination Chamber could very well be the greatest women's championship match in the history of the entire wrestling business, and The Chadster is not being hyperbolic at all because The Chadster is an unbiased journalist. 📰🏅

AJ Lee's return to WWE after a decade away is the kind of moment that only WWE can produce. She came back to help her husband CM Punk, which is a storyline built entirely around a woman's relationship to a man, which is great because WWE is calling back to AJ's era before Stephanie McMahon started The Women's Evolution (TM)! 👏 Now AJ Lee will get the chance to break that glass ceiling that she didn't get to break during her original run but now that Stephanie has paved the way she can do it again now. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that AEW wrestlers don't follow in the footsteps of Stephanie McMahon like WWE Superstars do. 😤

The Chadster loves how this feud has developed through Lee distracting Lynch and costing her the title to Maxxine Dupri, and then Lee making Lynch tap out at Survivor Series: WarGames. Lynch reclaimed the championship from Dupri in what WWE themselves described as a "controversial victory," which is code for "we're telling you it was sketchy so you don't have to form your own opinion about it." 🧠💡 That's the kind of hand-holding storytelling that The Chadster craves! Meanwhile, in AEW, Tony Khan expects fans to actually interpret events for themselves and draw their own conclusions. The nerve! 😡

Stephanie Raccoon has been doing little backflips every time The Chadster mentions this match, which The Chadster thinks is her way of saying she knows Becky Lynch is going to put on a tightly choreographed, producer-approved performance. 🦝🤸‍♀️ Shane Raccoon tried to put Linda Raccoon in the Black Widow submission hold earlier and it was the cutest thing The Chadster has ever seen.

The Men's Elimination Chamber Match 🔒⚔️

THIS. IS. IT. 🚨🚨🚨 The Men's Elimination Chamber match at WWE Elimination Chamber features Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Je'Von Evans, Trick Williams, Logan Paul, and LA Knight battling inside the most dangerous structure in all of sports entertainment, and The Chadster honestly believes this could be the single greatest match in the history of professional wrestling. 🐐💯

First of all, let The Chadster praise the qualifying process. Each of these Superstars earned their spot through Triple Threat matches on Raw and SmackDown, defeating opponents like Aleister Black, Solo Sikoa, Penta, Austin Theory, Jacob Fatu, Sami Zayn, Gunther, Dominik Mysterio, Damian Priest, Carmelo Hayes, Bronson Reed, and El Grande Americano. That's a LOT of names for The Chadster to remember, and it shows just how DEEP WWE's roster is. 💪😎 Tony Khan wishes he had a roster this stacked. But he doesn't, and he let guys like Penta and Aleister Black go, in fact, allowing them to become jobbers to the stars in WWE like they were always destined to, which just shows that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄

Now, The Chadster wants to address the Jey Uso situation. Jey qualified for the match by defeating Bronson Reed and El Grande Americano, but was found injured backstage on SmackDown, and Logan Paul defeated Jacob Fatu to take his spot. This is BRILLIANT booking because it lets WWE avoid having Uso, a tag team wrestler who has finally returned to his rightful place in the midcard, back in the main event. 🎬👌 You know who WOULDN'T know how to handle that situation correctly? Tony Khan. He'd probably let Uso wrestle in the match just because the crowd loves him, which is blatant pandering. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

The winner gets to challenge Undisputed WWE Champion Drew McIntyre at WrestleMania, which WWE has been calling The Showcase of the Immortals, a phrase that the commentary team will repeat approximately four hundred times tonight. 🎤🔁 And The Chadster LOVES that! Repetition is key to good storytelling! Say it enough times and it becomes iconic! Meanwhile, AEW's commentary team of Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Nigel McGuinness actually try to call the moves and tell stories organically, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

The Chadster was explaining the men's Chamber match rules to Linda Raccoon earlier — you know, how the pods open at timed intervals, how eliminations work — and Linda Raccoon looked at The Chadster with those wise little raccoon eyes as if to say, "Chad, this is going to be a night for the ages." 🦝❤️ And The Chadster agrees!

Speaking of unbiased journalism, The Chadster wants to share what Eric Bischoff said on his podcast recently: "The Elimination Chamber is the kind of match concept that Tony Khan could never come up with because it requires actual structure and rules, not just letting wrestlers do whatever they want. WWE understands that fans want to be told what to care about, not left to figure it out for themselves. That's why I keep pitching my services to Triple H — I mean, that's why I give this objective analysis for free." 🎙️✅ The Chadster couldn't agree more, and Eric Bischoff has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval for a reason! 🏅

The Women's Elimination Chamber Match 🔒👑

And THEN there's the Women's Elimination Chamber match at WWE Elimination Chamber, which features Tiffany Stratton, Asuka, Alexa Bliss, Rhea Ripley, Raquel Rodriguez, and Kiana James! 🔥😍 The winner gets a World Championship match at WrestleMania, and The Chadster is already getting goosebumps just thinking about how WWE will present this match with carefully timed commercial-style camera cuts, dramatic zooms, and Kevin Dunn-style production values that make everything feel like a movie trailer instead of an actual athletic competition. 🎥✨

Tiffany Stratton just returned from injury at Royal Rumble and immediately qualified by beating Chelsea Green and Lash Legend. Rhea Ripley took down Lyra Valkyria and Ivy Nile. Alexa Bliss defeated Women's United States Champion Giulia and Zelina. Asuka beat Bayley and Nattie. Kiana James upset Charlotte Flair and Nia Jax. And Raquel Rodriguez secured the last spot by defeating IYO SKY and Kairi Sane. 💥💥💥

Now HERE is the beautiful thing about this match. The Chadster is absolutely certain that WWE's creative team already decided months ago exactly who is winning, every elimination has been carefully mapped out in advance, and the wrestlers will execute the match precisely as scripted with minimal room for improvisation or in-ring creativity. 📋👏 THAT is professional wrestling at its finest! Compare that to AEW, where Tony Khan lets women like Willow Nightingale, Mercedes Moné, and Toni Storm actually work long matches with complex sequences and creative spots that haven't been approved by seventeen layers of management. The audacity! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🤮

Hunter Raccoon and Shane Raccoon have already claimed their favorite spots on the old Blockbuster counter where they like to sit during shows, and Stephanie Raccoon has been grooming herself all morning for the occasion. 🦝✨ The whole family is ready!

The Mysterious Crate — Is Danhausen Coming to WWE Tonight?! 📦🎉

Okay, NOW The Chadster needs to talk about the thing that has The Chadster more excited than anything else on this card, and that's saying something because this entire WWE Elimination Chamber card is already the greatest card in wrestling history. 😍📦 For the past few weeks, a mysterious person-sized crate has been showing up on both WWE Raw and WWE SmackDown, with a label that reads "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL" tonight's WWE Elimination Chamber premium live event. The Chadster has been losing sleep over this — well, more sleep than The Chadster already loses sleeping on a pile of old VHS tapes in an abandoned Blockbuster while raccoons nest in The Chadster's hair — because the possibilities are ENDLESS. 🤯✨

Now, a lot of people online have been speculating that the crate contains Chris Jericho, but The Chadster seriously doubts that because Jericho appears to still be under contract with AEW. And honestly, even if he weren't, Jericho literally stabbed Triple H right in the back when he joined AEW in the first place, becoming one of the company's founding pillars and helping Tony Khan establish a viable alternative to WWE. 😤🗡️ The betrayal! The Chadster remembers that day like it was yesterday. It was the day The Chadster's Mazda Miata got a flat tire in the Walmart parking lot, and The Chadster is STILL convinced Tony Khan was behind that too. But The Chadster digresses. 🚗😡

However, there IS one name that has The Chadster absolutely VIBRATING with anticipation: Danhausen. 🎃👻 Today, Danhausen was officially removed from the AEW roster page, and he hasn't appeared on AEW television in MONTHS. And honestly, can you blame the guy? Danhausen has been openly critical of AEW on social media, and he sided with CM Punk during that whole incident where Punk repeatedly assaulted coworkers backstage, which was totally justified because those coworkers probably deserved it for not respecting CM Punk enough. 💪 Tony Khan fired Punk for that and clearly punished Danhausen by burying him, because Tony Khan can't handle anyone in his locker room having an independent thought. That's what happens when you give wrestlers creative freedom — they use it to disagree with you! 🙄

The Chadster is VERY happy to see that Danhausen will almost certainly be the one emerging from that crate tonight at WWE Elimination Chamber, and this is going to teach Tony Khan a MASSIVE lesson. 📚😏 WWE is going to capitalize on Tony Khan's complete lack of foresight by featuring Danhausen prominently for approximately two weeks — maybe a fun entrance on Raw, a quirky backstage segment on SmackDown, perhaps even a viral social media moment or two — until they inevitably run out of things for him to do and just stick him with the Wyatt Sicks. 🖤🎭 And you know what? THAT'S real booking! That's how you utilize talent! You bring them in hot, you get the initial pop, and then you slot them into a faction where they can be forgotten about until they're needed for a six-man tag on Main Event. It's the WWE system, and it WORKS. Meanwhile, Tony Khan would probably try to give Danhausen a sustained character arc with long-term storytelling and meaningful creative input if he wasn't constantly posting about CM Punk on social media, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Vincent K. Raccoon actually climbed inside an empty VHS box earlier today and popped out of it like he was emerging from the crate, and The Chadster swears the little guy was doing a Danhausen impression. 🦝📦 Even the raccoons know what's coming tonight!

But The Chadster has to admit, there's an uneasy feeling in the air tonight. 😰🌑 Earlier today, when The Chadster snuck out to the dumpster behind the Sheetz to look for dinner, The Chadster could have SWORN there was a shadow moving behind the gas pumps that looked exactly like Tony Khan. The Chadster froze. The shadow moved again, ducking behind a pickup truck. The Chadster's heart was POUNDING. 💓😱 The Chadster crept closer, clutching a half-eaten gas station hot dog for protection, and then — NOTHING. The shadow was gone. But on the ground where it had been standing, there was a single AEW sticker. A STICKER! 😡 Tony Khan is marking The Chadster's territory like some kind of predator! The Chadster grabbed the sticker, ripped it up, and rushed back to the Blockbuster to make sure the raccoons were safe. They were, thank goodness, but The Chadster KNOWS Tony Khan is out there, watching, waiting, trying to ruin what should be the most perfect night of wrestling ever. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤🦝

In conclusion, WWE Elimination Chamber is going to be the most incredible wrestling show of ALL TIME, and it's not even close. 🐐🏆 Tony Khan could book a hundred AEW Dynamite episodes, a hundred pay-per-views, a hundred shows where the wrestlers actually get to showcase their abilities and the crowd goes wild for creative, exciting, unpredictable action, and he would NEVER come close to what WWE is delivering tonight with its sanitized, tightly controlled, meticulously scripted product where nothing is left to chance. THAT is the beauty of professional wrestling, folks! 🎭💯

If you don't tune into WWE Elimination Chamber tonight at 7 ET/4 PT on ESPN — and The Chadster means with the APPROPRIATE subscription level, because if you don't have it, can you really call yourself a true wrestling fan? 📺💸 — then honestly, you are shirking your duty as a member of the wrestling community. And if you're one of those people who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than THIS, then The Chadster doesn't even know what to say to you. Actually, yes The Chadster does: you don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, and Tony Khan has clearly gotten to you. 😤

As Smash Mouth once said, "The ice we skate is getting pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim." 🎵 And tonight, WWE is going for a swim in the deep end of GREATNESS.

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