Posted in: Comics, News With Benefits, Satire | Tagged: marvel, teasers, wolverine

Everything You Knew About What Wolverine Was Best At Was Wrong

All day long, Marvel has been releasing teaser after teaser threatening to rewrite the history of the Marvel Universe in March 2019, creating a veritable feeding frenzy in the clickbait comics media as websites scramble to post the latest teaser and get the clicks before their competitors, which of course works out in Marvel favor by promoting whatever this dumb super-mega-crossover event or whatever is for free instead of making them pay for advertising.

But trying to compete for scraps tossed from Marvel's table is a fool's errand, especially when we can just use photoshop ourselves as well as any unpaid Marvel intern. So Bleeding Cool has been making some of our own Marvel teasers, leaving our competitors who only post real teasers in the dust. Which teasers are real and which are fake? We'll leave that to you to figure out.

We've already seen a teaser threatening to rewrite how the Fantastic Four got their powers, one threatening to rewrite the Spider-Man No More story, one threatening to rewrite The Avengers finding Captain America in the ice, one threatening to rewrite the parentage of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch by revealing that Magneto @#$%ed a cow, one messing with the Dark Phoenix Saga, one which threatens to retcon the retcon of Jean Grey revealing Iceman is gay, one which could explain why Marvel and Netflix canceled Daredevil, and one which makes a major change to the death of Uncle Ben.

Everyone knows that Wolverine is the best he is at what he does. He must be! Otherwise, why would he say it all the time?

But why if everything we thought we knew about what Wolverine thought he knew about how good he was at things he does was wrong?!

Wolverine is a complicated character, at once a berserker and a monk, his duality extending even to his physical appendages, as the mutant is known for having two dicks: one for @#$%ing, and one for making love (that's cannon). But he's also a character shrouded in mystery, who spend decades unaware of his own past, then got all of his memories back, and then died and lost them again. What we're saying is that Wolverine isn't exactly the most reliable narrator, bub.

So what if Wolverine isn't really the best he is at what he does. What if Wolverine is just pretty good at it, but not necessarily the best? Like, he could compete maybe on a regional level at best? What if someone only told Wolverine he was the best, and he believed it? What if this is all an aspirational story about how if you believe in yourself, you can the killing machine you aspire to be. What if the claws were inside you all along?

This March, Marvel destroys its own history in a desperate attempt to boost sales. Will Wolverine's talents survive intact? As long as he keeps the hot claws, it's all good.

Hopefully we'll learn more soon.

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